Perfect

Monday will be the big day….

5 Years.

5 years since I last heard his voice..saw his face…heard “I love you…and I’m so in love with you, baby.”

And in these 5 years I’ve learned just what it takes to be the “perfect” widow, and I’d like to share it with all of y’all:

1. You must be imperfect.
2. You must make mistakes.
3. You must persevere.
4. You must follow your heart.
5. You must do so knowing that many will tell you you shouldn’t.
6. You must ignore them.
7. You must find a reason to smile…
8. Not everyday…as that is not feasible…but more times then times you frown in a year will suffice.
9. Being a widow is a title you should be proud of..
10. Never forget that.
11. You are amazing.
12. Your spouses love will get you through the moments that you will sometimes feel are unbearable…
13. Keep you heart open to feeling it.
14. Life is short.
15. Love is eternal.
16. Repeat that to yourself each day.

And there you have it….ingredients to being the perfect widow.

It took me 5 years to realize and I’m sure I’ll become more “perfect” along the way…but this is all I have so far.

The Wall

“But mostly, I cried because my life had been going full speed for so long and now it had just stopped, like running right into a big brick wall, knocking the wind and the fight right out of me. And I didn’t know if I’d ever even wanted to get up and start breathing again.”

- Sarah Dessen

This quote embodies the day I was notified and the months and years to follow (and even random moments in my day-to-day life).

I never thought I’d be here.

Alive.

Living….thriving…without my love by my side.

At first I held back from a smile or a good time, in fear that it would be dishonoring him. But with time and introspection, I realized that by doing so…holding back..I was dishonoring him.

Our loves don’t die for us to shrivel up into a ball, to live in a cave, and become Gallum-like. But in the beginning I couldn’t grasp that.

But the winds of time and his love blew away those mis-conceptions, and with that came the realization that I was going to get up…I was going to start breathing once again.

Man, do I love him, with every ounce of my being.

I still have those choke-up moments in realizing how far I’ve come…how much I’ve lived…

Those moments where I’m shocked at my soul’s capacity to survive…

My face’s ability to smile…

My arm’s ability to embrace…

But even in that astonishment,

I am never,

never,

astonished by my heart’s capacity to pump our love through my veins.

And with that knowledge, nearly four years later, I am able to live.

I am living.

I hit the wall…

But I stood up.

I’m standing.

3

Three…

Three whopping years since it happened.

Since my soul mate went to the other side and I ventured out in the unfamiliar world called widowhood.

The Angel-versary is always a time where I look back on the time that has passed, things that have been conquered, feelings that have been realized, and growth that has taken place. As I drove in my car one evening, thinking of these things, thinking of THREE, one thing took precedent.

In the rehashing of all that has transpired, what came to mind the most were the three words that have got me through it all. Three words that he said to me for the last time on May 21st, 2007. Three words that have not only carried through my grief but helped me soar above it’s grasps into a life where smiles are more prevalent then frowns, and memories are recalled while making new ones.

Three words that on this three year anniversary will be heard in my heart and felt in my veins. Three words that have defined my being.

Three….

I LOVE YOU.

4 years…

Well it’s almost midnight, and at this time 4 years ago we had already shared our vows and become Mr. and Mrs. Davis.

This anniversary is harder then any other I face without Michael here. Mostly for the reason that I don’t define my relationship and present by Michael’s death, I define it by our love……and a day that helps in symbolizing that love is our wedding anniversary.

I miss him, I love him, I’m in love with him. The pain persists, and I must honestly say that at times I wonder how fate still allows us to be separated. But the air leaves my lungs, and still I inhale. There is some madness to this unreasonable reality. For now, I must believe it is to strengthen our love more, to put it over the fire and forge it to a level of strength that is insurmountable by heaven and earth combined.

Happy Anniversary my love, my heart, my soul. Your love pierces me deeper with each passing moment, and I could not ask for a more beautiful gift.

Happy Anniversary

December 23rd will mark the four year anniversary of our love eternal. We wrote our own vows, we rocked into each other the whole ceremony, we had a moment in time where all else melted away, we sealed our devotion with a kiss.

It wasn’t about the dress, venue, gifts, or cake….it was simply about our love being personified.

Nearly three years of our marriage have been spent on different plains, yet it grows stronger and deeper with each breath I take for him…for me. He left me on this world with a kiss that I have been able to build a dream on….continue to build a dream on.

Here’s to you my love…here’s to us. And for ol’ time sake, let’s here Satchmo play the song we danced to nearly four years ago…..

“Give me a kiss before you leave me
and my imagination
will feed my hungry heart
Leave me one thing before we part
A kiss to build a dream on”

2 years Later

Checking the mail. A routine that we all have, some everyday, others a couple of times a week. Today was one of the moments that interrupted a action I did for societies sake.

I opened my box to find a package. As soon as I saw who the sender was I knew from our wedding.I did not know there was video until after Michael was killed, for what reasons I cannot say. When I heard there was film I did not think I would actually ever get a hard copy simply for the reason that it took 2 years for me to know it was even real. I did not know what the pieces of cardboard held inside of it, nor did I know how I would react.

I put it in.

What I saw were things I knew of, words I knew were exchanged, people I knew attended. What I got from it was more then that though. I got to feel the way I felt standing across from Michael that day, the rocking back and forth from excitement, the tears of happiness that had no off button. For 26 minutes I had pure love, on film.

I have it with me in my heart, as I know all of us do, but to watch it, to see the gleam in my eye, the nod of my head as Michael made sure I was ok, the kiss on my forehead from my soulmate….that is bliss, that is life, that is why I am still here. I am here for those moments, even if they are relived 2 years later with my husband by my side in spirit.

Do I still hope to have some freak accident occur that would lead me to Michael?……Yes. But am I happy to be able to know and be a living example of the purest love I’ve ever known?…..Hell to the yeah!

So here’s to those memories, the best ones, the ones that are sometimes to painful to watch because of all the happiness present that we can’t share with them now. May they be our personal sanctuary when all else is a hurricane.

Love, T

Have you ever been at sea in a dense fog, when it seemed as if a tangible white darkness shut you in and the great ship, tense and anxious, groped her way toward the shore with plummet and sounding-line, and you waited with beating heart for something to happen? I was like that ship before my education began, only I was without compass or sounding line, and no way of knowing how near the harbor was. “Light! Give me light!” was the wordless cry of my soul, and the light of love shone on me in that very hour.

-Helen Keller