In Our Prayers….
I guess I should note to all: I wrote this 5 months after michael was killed, so I apologize for the raw and bitter words 🙂 . I saw a post by a widow today, speaking about how she thought “prayer” had done little. I remember being there. I feel now is the right time for me to post this, as I have learned…even though I do not know all of God’s reasoning, I have seen his love and abundance in the many blessings I have been given since his passing.
“You’re in our thoughts and prayers” “God will help you through this” yada yada yada……. Note to non widows…..fuck prayer. I prayed everyday, unconsciously every minute of every day. As I drove home to find soldiers at my door I prayed continuously until I saw them there waiting for me. One of the first things I remember screaming after learning of Michael’s fate was, “There is no fucking God!” How could someone one who is supposedly supposed to answer our prayers and help us through all are ordeals be so cruel. I remember when I got caught smoking weed my freshman year in high school. I was sure it was god punishing me or him letting me know it wasn’t right. I have no answers on why he would do this to Michael. I don’t think I will ever find the answers I want, because the only one I’ll take is Michael at my door step when I get home.
I want to tell all those out there, who “Pray” for me to not waste there breath. I know that they believe they think it was there prayers that stopped them from having the same outcome that happened to me. So they will keep praying and asking god to heal me and my broken heart. If there was a god, I would ask him to show all the “others” what we widows are going through so they would know when to bite there fucking tongues.
There is one thing I will ask the God of ours for. I will ask him that if he wants to help me in anyway then he will make sure that when my time here is up…..that the first thing I will see is that beautiful face of my baby. The one I so much loved to touch, kiss and smile with. Until that time comes I just ask that the rest of my time her goes by fast.
I love you baby and I’m SOO in love with you.