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In Our Prayers….

I guess I should note to all: I wrote this 5 months after michael was killed, so I  apologize for the raw and bitter words 🙂 . I saw a post by a widow today, speaking about how she thought “prayer” had done little. I remember being there. I feel now is the right time for me to post this, as I have learned…even though I do not know all of God’s reasoning, I have seen his love and abundance in the many blessings I have been given since his passing.

10.27.09

“You’re in our thoughts and prayers” “God will help you through this” yada yada yada……. Note to non widows…..fuck prayer. I prayed everyday, unconsciously every minute of every day. As I drove home to find soldiers at my door I prayed continuously until I saw them there waiting for me. One of the first things I remember screaming after learning of Michael’s fate was, “There is no fucking God!” How could someone one who is supposedly supposed to answer our prayers and help us through all are ordeals be so cruel. I remember when I got caught smoking weed my freshman year in high school. I was sure it was god punishing me or him letting me know it wasn’t right. I have no answers on why he would do this to Michael. I don’t think I will ever find the answers I want, because the only one I’ll take is Michael at my door step when I get home.
I want to tell all those out there, who “Pray” for me to not waste there breath. I know that they believe they think it was there prayers that stopped them from having the same outcome that happened to me. So they will keep praying and asking god to heal me and my broken heart. If there was a god, I would ask him to show all the “others” what we widows are going through so they would know when to bite there fucking tongues.
There is one thing I will ask the God of ours for. I will ask him that if he wants to help me in anyway then he will make sure that when my time here is up…..that the first thing I will see is that beautiful face of my baby. The one I so much loved to touch, kiss and smile with. Until that time comes I just ask that the rest of my time her goes by fast.
I love you baby and I’m SOO in love with you.
*kisses*

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6 Comments Post a comment
  1. Wow, Taryn. I love this. It was during that same time I was actively praying for you, that you would not go under. So it is especially great for me to read your update on your understanding. And it is great for me to see you share these words that were so raw and real. I love them as I love you.

    02/11/2010
  2. Kim #

    Wow Taryn… I had tears in my eyes while I was also smiling reading this. I have felt this way so many times. So angry, so blinded by my grief that even the sweetest offerings of condolences made my skin crawl and my whole body cringe.

    I wrote this right on the one month anniversary of Warren’s death. The paragraph that follows I wont include, but it basically everything that you put here. Multiply the f-word count and its practically identical.

    “I think about the men who were over there with you. I picture them still calling home, still going on patrols, still at war. I imagine the humvee you sat in. Is my picture still in the gunners hatch? Who sits there now? A month ago today you were eight hours passed the time when you said you would call me. I was in the car with my sister, driving home. I remember staring at my phone for the entire hour and a half ride home. I remember. I remember everything. From the time I walked into the house, and hearing the news. Wounded. That was all. Everything went so fast. Everything went so slow. Torture. “He’s hurt.” Prayers. Booking tickets to Germany. More prayers. Shaking. Fear. No movement until I knew you were okay. No food. Nothing stays down. “Kim drink some water…” No. Tears. Prayers. Hope. Tears. Nausea. Prayers. Prayers. Prayers.

    Then the phone call.

    They didn’t work.”

    Thank you for making me feel sane.

    02/11/2010
    • Amazing. Your words have such a visual way to them. Thank you for reading and confirming even thoughts that were fresh 2 years ago, but still make their way in my mind on the darkest of days.
      And you can never have enough F words!

      Thanks dude!

      02/11/2010
  3. Stacey #

    So I’m browsing back through a bunch of blogs trying to find feelings I don’t feel as strong anymore. I just read this post and it’s so nice to identify with similar feelings. I remember telling Mike that this deployment was our “hard time” and that all we could do to get through it was trust in God. Just trust that he has bigger plans for us. As everyone with someone deployed does, I prayed every second I could for his safety. I prayed for both of us to be strong enough to get through it. And I’ve lost all trust. I still get very confused about what I believe in this way- how do you so fully belive in something, with everything in you, and it not work? It’s crazy. Thanks for sharing your feelings on this 🙂

    04/25/2010
  4. corymbia #

    Hi Taryn – I’m new here and new to widowhood. But you said it all…..
    I remember getting THAT phonecall at work – the one from the police to say come home now. For half an hour on that drive home I shouted “please God, let them (my family) be OK”.
    Apparently God’s hearing aid was turned off that day….

    06/30/2010
    • Yeah, I’d say we should all pitch in and buy him a new one but it’s a tad too late 😉

      When I was driving home (after a phone call from a neighbor who wouldn’t tell me why I needed to be there) I repeatedly said “Dear lord, let it be an injury.” and one of the first things I screamed out of the pain + disbelief +grief was “Their is no God!” because it just seemed unfathomable that god would leave me on this earth without my counterpart.

      Thanks for writing and keep in touch. Us widdas have to stick together 😀

      07/02/2010

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