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Going Dowwwnnnnnnnn

Well, I’m sucking. I feel like I’m getting worse but it’s hard to tell because I always feel as if I’m getting worse. The sad thing is that I don’t know where the bottom is. When I lost Michael I hit that bottom, so I don’t know if the emotions that follow it are in a league of their own? Are my emotions getting worse, my thoughts. My heart can’t get any worse. Maybe I’m feeling the pain more and that just exemplifies it. Packing my pictures last night, I realized that I was going to be leaving the last dwelling Michael and I shared together. As I sat on the sofa, I thought of the night before he left. We lay there wishing the night would never end and I would never have to drive him to the airport. I closed my eyes and imagined that day that I walked away from him. I wanted to turn back around for one last touch and kiss, but I knew I would not be able to compose myself and may make it worse. Now, oh what I would do for him. Murder, lie, steal, anything to just touch his face one more time. I lay on my sofa at night and look at the photo of him that I always kiss and talk to. It’s covered in smudges from my face and lips. How did my life come down to kissing a photo of my husband good morning and goodnight? I think too, that if there is some sort of afterlife my baby must miss me too. I ache for all that I know he must miss and want as well. We were so perfect in fulfilling the others needs, that I know when I look at all that I am hurting for, I know he is feeling the same. At the same time, I want him to be so happy. I guess I just want him. I’m out before I have a breakdown at the coffee shop.
I Love You Baby!
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