Note to self:
Life was grand with my love by my side.
As i come up on the reality of him not being on this earth for nearly 3 years, and face another year, another number, in which his existence is void to the outside world, I’d be lying if I said it’s gone smoothly.
I’ve struggled with an impairing grief and the pain. The nights where he felt so close that I reached out to the emptiness in front of me in hopes to feel him. Times in which the memories were so fresh, that I could paint their visions with my tears. Moments where I fell to my knees with the pain of the past, and what should have been our future. Yet through it all, I’ve learned, grown, and felt him there by my side.
Yet now, I face another war, another type a grief. Now, I face an opposite reality. One in which I beg for a dream, a sign, a feeling that I am not alone on this journey. A grief that comes not in the obvious, but in the mundane.
I feel strong and have happiness in my life, from what he has instilled in my heart, but I wish sometimes to go back to those raw moments of pain from a life that didn’t seem to far away.
I think that it’s been in my growth, my realization of the person that I am becoming and the person michael always knew was in me, that I have struggled and grieved over recently. I think I may be the one causing the disconnect and grief, over the disappointment that I could not have made and shown the strength that I never wanted to admit I had, the strength that is the sole reason for my existence right now, the strength Michael knew could take our love and relationship beyond the darkest of days.
This year I want to grab life, and make it what I know it can be, full of his presence, yet still full of those moments where my strength will be tested, just enough to remind me that it’s still there.
I’m always in love with Michael, even when life isn’t going where I thought it would.
Now though, I want to take the love I have with him always, and love the life I sometimes despise, the life that at times i fall victim to with it’s many forms of grief…I want to be in love with it for the life it blessed me with before tragedy, yet the one I have in front of me.
My life is different and the one I will lead will be different, but I can take that which isn’t different to get me through………
our love and the strength born from it.