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I dreamed of him last night. My dreams aren’t too off from the real world. In them I know he is dead. And yet, in this Inception like reality, I still think maybe there is someway his world and mine can merge, if only for a couple of hours in my sleep.

In the dream, there was one moment that stood out more than any other.

I was walking beside my love, both of us aware of each others presence. I looked down at his hand which I so greatly wanted to grasp, but hesitated almost in fear that my dream world would start collapsing for not following some code. I looked down at his hand, looked up seeking some mighty voice to say it would be ok, and then he grabbed it, and in that moment I felt something that I haven’t felt in nearly four years.

Bliss. Pure bliss in knowing my hand was locked in the one place it will one day be locked into for eternity. Ahead of us in my dream was my sister and her husband, and I just remember her turning around, looking at me and Michael, and saying, “You look so happy (the exclusive kind of Michael happy).”. Which was followed by me smiling the way only those who witnessed our love together could remember the sight of.

From there, things start getting a little loco and then I awoke. I laid there knowing the feelings I had felt that night had taken me over in my unconscious and soaked through to my conscience, and I found myself trying to fall back asleep a bit longer in order to search or remember any other bits.

I’ve always loved my dreams that he’s in (minus the ones where he feels so far away…which over the years I’ve learned to shrug off), and I felt like last night’s dream was him reminding me that those feelings will always be there when I need them the most. The feelings of untouchable love, that may be tested and torn by the winds of time, but will always stand tall and guiding like a beacon of light.

This is my life and our life together. I cannot change its course, but it’s always nice to reminded I’m on the right one.

SO in love with you, baby.

I have had dreams and I have had nightmares, but I have conquered my nightmares because of my dreams.

– Jonas Salk

8 Comments Post a comment
  1. 😉 ❤

  2. katherine selber #

    I can see the two of you together holding hands. It makes me smile.
    Katherine Selber

  3. Brooke Toner #

    Love it. Those dreams are few and far between for me, but I recently had one too…and they are just so special, and truly a reminder that the connection will never fade.

  4. L higginbotham #

    Reading your story reminds me that true love transcends everything even death beautifully done keep on telling your story

  5. Dee Adams #

    I just stumbled upon your AWP and discovered your blog too. My husband is alive and out of the Army now, but I just had to comment on this post. Although I can’t imagine going through your situation, I do remember when he was deployed and we went weeks without communication. I feel like everytime I had one of “those” days, where I couldn’t bare waking up the next day and facing another day without his voice, the next morning I would wake up to a phone call from him or an email. I just want to say that I think our soul mates feel our pain like their own and understand when we need them the most. I’m glad you found your soul mate 🙂 God Bless.

  6. Kelly #

    I have followed you silently for awhile now, never quite knowing how to put my feelings into words.

    I recently read, for the second time, The Five People You Meet in Heaven. It made me think of you and Michael, and how much you’re going to get to talk about when you see eachother again.

    “He was free from Tala’s grasp now, and he floated up above the sand and above the boardwalk, above the tent tops and spires of the midway, toward the peak of the big, white Ferris wheel, where a cart, gently swaying, held a woman in a yellow dress-his wife, Marguerite, waiting with her arms extended. He reached for her and he saw her smile and the voices melded a single word from God: Home.”

    (Only he’ll be wearing something much fancier than a yellow dress! Lol!)

    You’ve changed my life for the better. Thank you.

    • words won’t suffice on what your comment means ❤ thank you for believing…thank you for reading

  7. Thank you for sharing all of this intimate beauty. I am truly and deeply moved.


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