“But mostly, I cried because my life had been going full speed for so long and now it had just stopped, like running right into a big brick wall, knocking the wind and the fight right out of me. And I didn’t know if I’d ever even wanted to get up and start breathing again.”
– Sarah Dessen
This quote embodies the day I was notified and the months and years to follow (and even random moments in my day-to-day life).
I never thought I’d be here.
Living….thriving…without my love by my side.
At first I held back from a smile or a good time, in fear that it would be dishonoring him. But with time and introspection, I realized that by doing so…holding back..I was dishonoring him.
Our loves don’t die for us to shrivel up into a ball, to live in a cave, and become Gallum-like. But in the beginning I couldn’t grasp that.
But the winds of time and his love blew away those mis-conceptions, and with that came the realization that I was going to get up…I was going to start breathing once again.
Man, do I love him, with every ounce of my being.
I still have those choke-up moments in realizing how far I’ve come…how much I’ve lived…
Those moments where I’m shocked at my soul’s capacity to survive…
My face’s ability to smile…
My arm’s ability to embrace…
But even in that astonishment,
I am never,
astonished by my heart’s capacity to pump our love through my veins.
And with that knowledge, nearly four years later, I am able to live.
I am living.
I hit the wall…
But I stood up.