“.. my heart and my trust were in the process of collapsing. And that collapse created a vacuum in my chest. Like every nerve in my body was withering in, pulling away from my fingers and toes. Pulling back and disappearing.” -Jay Asher
I was wearing a top this week that allowed my tattoo to show. It’s large size and semi-difficult to read font equated to curious minds asking about what it said….the story behind it.
I shared the background on the saying and ring, but one other thing that the tattoo gave me…
After Michael was killed I felt as if anything and everything was going to be taken from me. Undoubtedly, impermanence is a part of life that we all will face, but at that time…2 months after he died…I began think, “Why should I show my family and friends love?”, “Why should I say ‘I love you’ to them?”, “Why should I invest anything into this life that was going to leave me suffering and miserable?”.
Those were just a few of the thoughts I had…and I let them mingle in my mind for too long.
Ultimately, having those closest to me suffer even more from not only my own suffering, but my lack of wanting to see any sort of silver lining.
But the tattoo…the tattoo was the thing that allowed me to feel as if I had some control again. No one could take it from me. No one could make it disappear. It was mine. It was my attempt at feeling somewhat grounded.
I’d like to say that getting it allowed me to finally take the leap in showing love to my family and friends, once more. It didn’t.
It didn’t until I made the decision to trust myself with life again. I had to prove to myself that it was worth living. It was worth loving. It was worth taking a leap and knowing that wherever I landed was where I was supposed to be.
It wasn’t an overnight process, but 5 years later it is a way of life.
I trust in me. I trust in the way. I trust in the impermanence that is our lives. And I trust that the love I show, and the suffering that may come from having that love, will never be a hindrance or obstacle I dodge.
I withered away. I pulled back. But it was I, that made the decision to get up from the collapse.
Trust in you. Suffer. But never let the suffering take you from what you know life is meant to be….