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Posts from the ‘5 Months Out’ Category

Going Dowwwnnnnnnnn

Well, I’m sucking. I feel like I’m getting worse but it’s hard to tell because I always feel as if I’m getting worse. The sad thing is that I don’t know where the bottom is. When I lost Michael I hit that bottom, so I don’t know if the emotions that follow it are in a league of their own? Are my emotions getting worse, my thoughts. My heart can’t get any worse. Maybe I’m feeling the pain more and that just exemplifies it. Packing my pictures last night, I realized that I was going to be leaving the last dwelling Michael and I shared together. As I sat on the sofa, I thought of the night before he left. We lay there wishing the night would never end and I would never have to drive him to the airport. I closed my eyes and imagined that day that I walked away from him. I wanted to turn back around for one last touch and kiss, but I knew I would not be able to compose myself and may make it worse. Now, oh what I would do for him. Murder, lie, steal, anything to just touch his face one more time. I lay on my sofa at night and look at the photo of him that I always kiss and talk to. It’s covered in smudges from my face and lips. How did my life come down to kissing a photo of my husband good morning and goodnight? I think too, that if there is some sort of afterlife my baby must miss me too. I ache for all that I know he must miss and want as well. We were so perfect in fulfilling the others needs, that I know when I look at all that I am hurting for, I know he is feeling the same. At the same time, I want him to be so happy. I guess I just want him. I’m out before I have a breakdown at the coffee shop.
I Love You Baby!

In Our Prayers….

I guess I should note to all: I wrote this 5 months after michael was killed, so I  apologize for the raw and bitter words 🙂 . I saw a post by a widow today, speaking about how she thought “prayer” had done little. I remember being there. I feel now is the right time for me to post this, as I have learned…even though I do not know all of God’s reasoning, I have seen his love and abundance in the many blessings I have been given since his passing.


“You’re in our thoughts and prayers” “God will help you through this” yada yada yada……. Note to non widows…..fuck prayer. I prayed everyday, unconsciously every minute of every day. As I drove home to find soldiers at my door I prayed continuously until I saw them there waiting for me. One of the first things I remember screaming after learning of Michael’s fate was, “There is no fucking God!” How could someone one who is supposedly supposed to answer our prayers and help us through all are ordeals be so cruel. I remember when I got caught smoking weed my freshman year in high school. I was sure it was god punishing me or him letting me know it wasn’t right. I have no answers on why he would do this to Michael. I don’t think I will ever find the answers I want, because the only one I’ll take is Michael at my door step when I get home.
I want to tell all those out there, who “Pray” for me to not waste there breath. I know that they believe they think it was there prayers that stopped them from having the same outcome that happened to me. So they will keep praying and asking god to heal me and my broken heart. If there was a god, I would ask him to show all the “others” what we widows are going through so they would know when to bite there fucking tongues.
There is one thing I will ask the God of ours for. I will ask him that if he wants to help me in anyway then he will make sure that when my time here is up…..that the first thing I will see is that beautiful face of my baby. The one I so much loved to touch, kiss and smile with. Until that time comes I just ask that the rest of my time her goes by fast.
I love you baby and I’m SOO in love with you.