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I’m a pretty laid back cat.

Put me in a room with great music, a cold beer and I’m set.

But that’s all external. Those are creature comforts.

When it comes to the internal….

The decisions I make that will determine my life at that current moment.

I’ve learned that the one thing you can’t be is laid back.

You must be vigilant.

A gladiator for your heart and all that it truly needs.

 

When it comes to living the life you deserve you can’t go with the flow.

You must stand for what you need.

What you deserve.

Where you’re challenged.

Where you learn.

Where your uncomfortable.

Where you’re at home.

Stand for what is uniquely you.

 

When it comes to your life, don’t go with the flow.

Go where you grow.

 

End of story. Beginning of beautiful reality.

There’s No Place Like Hope

 

 

I was spending my Friday evening perusing a used book store when my eye was caught by this very catchy title.

 

Being an avid “Wizard of Oz” fan, the switch of HOME with HOPE struck such a chord with me.

 

Home, for me, has never equated to a physical structure, but rather a place to fully be me.

 

To be immersed by all that I love.

 

To let me hair down.

 

Dance around naked.

 

Talk out loud.

 

Find myself.

 

Cry.

 

Laugh.

 

LIVE…

 

A breeding ground to create memories and share moments with those I care about.

 

A place of peace.

 

Unapologetic.

 

Quirky.

 

Me.

 

 

When thinking of all that I hope for, I saw that it literally embodied what “home” was/is.

 

Hope is nothing more than us trying to find our way back to all that we are when we find ourselves in a space/energy/place that embraces all that we are and all those that add color to our canvas….hope in disguise.

 

I have no freaking clue what that darn book is about that stirred this realization…But I sure as hell know that it made me realize that there really is nothing like hope.

 

Nothing like ‘home’.

 

Nothing like remembering where the yellow brick road leads to and what that homecoming means to one’s soul.

 

Sometimes we just need to click the heels of our hearts and mind together to remember where it is.

 

 

Moment

Taryn And Michael 012“Giving thanks for the moment is the only way to glimpse eternity.”

One moment.

When he walked through the front door and our eyes met.

When our lips first embraced.

When I said “I love you.” And he said it back.

When he slid the ring down my finger.

When he boarded the bus.

When he surprised me at the front door for the last two weeks we’d share together.

When we’d kiss for the last time.

When we’d share our last words and see each others faces over the computer screen.

When I heard his last “I’m so in love with you.”

When the explosives went off.

When he took his last breath.

When I got the call.

When I drove home to find out he wasn’t coming home.

The moments.

Theses are some of the moments that made up our physical time together. Our unity. Our love.

 

Talking to him in the darkness of our empty room.

Remembering the things he said and taught me while on earth.

Feeling his love and warmth, in my heart and soul, when the rest of the world felt cold.

Knowing that with each leap and fall, he’s there by my side.

Knowing that I am never alone.

That I will never suffer when I stay in the light of what is the now.

Feeling alive in the beauty all around.

Still telling him every night how in love I am with him.

Falling, again.

Getting up.

Finding my purpose and passion through his example of having found his.

Smiling.

Living an utterly beautiful and confusing, yet clear life.

The moments.

These are some of the moments that make up my life after his passing. Our unity. Our love.

 

The moments before and after that allow me a glimpse into the eternity. Of our love. Of our lives. Of his legacy.

The moments that make up life. The moments that I cherish and can never give enough thanks in sharing and in having with the best man I’ve ever known.

Leap

-

“When we learn what it is our soul needs to learn, the path presents itself.”

 

Over a year ago, I decided to take a new journey in my daily passion. To create something. For myself. For others.

I decided to start laying the frame-work of what could be. I started finding those that wanted to come, nails in hand, and create it with me.

I jumped in. Day by day, getting closer to this change, this growth.

Now it’s here. The dream, not just in sight, but in hand.

The funny thing, though, is that there were a million tiny and large changes…unexpected, unplanned, some unwelcome…that have made this new chapter a glorious one.

Maybe that’s life.

We set these goals, these visions, these ideals of what we hope and work towards.  Only  to realize that it’s the in-betweens, the surprises, the new friends and deeper instilled friendships, the introspection, the new-found traditions and the growth that are the real gift.

The bigger the leap, the bigger the return…just with big struggles, big transformations and big changes.

I learned that when I fell in love with Michael. When I married him. When I became his widow.

Since his death, I had just forgotten the feeling of taking the leap willingly. Taking in and absorbing the benefits of a courage you knew would pay off, no matter what obstacles came one’s way.

I remember now.

I remember and smile…looking forward to the next leap.

Reminder

quote-z80ry0o4v-158799-500-544_large

When the hands of time

evict the smile from the apartment building of your face.

When you get punched in the esophagus by a fist full of life

Remember

The human heart beats approximately 4,000 times per hour

And each pulse,

each throb

each palpitation is a trophy

engraved with the words

“You are still alive”

…So act like it

-Rudy Francisco

I’m sitting at a cafe, sipping pinot noir, feeling the 62 degree air whisper on my face and blow aside my hair.

A rose-bush is blooming, people are on first dates, others with their best friends, and some soaking in the sun beams that have decided to grace us with their presence.

I remember going to a cafe like this over 5 years ago, months after Michael’s death. I despised that other’s could laugh, love, and live with him not here.

But today is different. I am different. I allowed time to take its toll and place its blessing.

I can sit here and listen to the”trophy” that each beat of my heart gifts me with.

I can sit here and smile while acknowledging so.

I can sit here and be. And smile. And inhale all that surrounds me. And exhale with the happiness of being able to do so.

And I can say, I don’t have to act like I’m still alive…but embrace it as the glorious action it is.

On Yours

I lay in bed a lot, thinking of when Michael and I lay there together. The mornings where we had nothing else to do but sleep in, rolling into each others arms, with me kissing them as they embraced me. The evenings in which the world fell asleep with us, as there was nothing but him and I. Sometimes my heart will beat out of my chest reminiscing of those times, and it’s almost as if I’m back there.

I wrote this one night in which I could hear nothing but my heart beat, as I lay in bed. When I hear it I think of him, and the crazy world I find myself in becomes calm, and I know his beats with mine.

 

My heart racing

up against yours…

 

Trying to catch up to the feelings,

the emotions

protruding out every pore.

 

But we lay still

inhaling,

exhaling,

knowing that if we lay here long enough,

they’ll find their way…

the pounding of our chests will become

one

beat,

and our hearts will laugh….

as we realize,

laying there like

stacked

logs…

that we are at the one place we are supposed to be.

 

And with my face pressed against your chest,

I smile.

 

And I’ll

inhale,

And I’ll

exhale.