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Posts tagged ‘Knowledge’

Open

 

My life is much different from many of my loved ones.

 

I find myself traveling 1/3 of the year.

 

I happily sleep with two (furry) men each night I’m home.

 

No one gets on my back for the dishes sitting in the sink a bit too much or the dirty clothes on the floor.

 

I thoroughly enjoy my solitude (i.e. meditation, reading, playing fetch, watching clouds pass,etc.).

 

That’s just to name a few of my realities ( I guess not noting the obvious…I’m a 27-year-old widow…oops…add that!).

 

In the first few years after Michael’s death, many (ok…nearly all) were worried about me….

 

Worried about me being alone.

 

Worried if I’d drink too much.

 

Worried that I’d never come out of the deep hole that my grief and self had been thrown into.

 

Worried that I’d kill myself.

 

The “remedies” and “prescriptions” came flowing in from all those around.

 

Not out of ill will…more out of not knowing what else to do.

 

I remember looking into their eyes and seeing a pain for the life I was living. I saw their fear of ever having to imagine it ever being their fate one day.

 

I felt their pity.

 

I felt their gratitude (that it wasn’t them).

 

I felt their lack of control of changing what they could not.

 

But then, and now 6 years later, I have held onto something that my soul and heart know.

 

A knowledge that is as pure as my eternal love for Michael.

 

The knowledge (and now the power) of knowing that what others have seen as an empty life (after his death).

 

I have known to be an opening for me to find, persevere, rise, fall, and create my life after tragic death.

 

Empty is just another word for OPEN.

 

Open to life.

 

Open to fear.

 

Open to happiness.

 

Open to failure.

 

Open to all that has occurred.

 

Open to all that will occur.

 

Remember that. Find power in that. Feel peace in that.

 

So as I enter our home, 6 years later. Uncork a 91 point wine. Watch an amazing film. Feel gratitude for the day that has passed and the roof over my head. I live and feel the knowledge of knowing that one man’s empty, is another man’s sanctuary.

 

And my heart feels grateful. Content. Overflowing. Blessed. Strong.

Knowledge

 

Someone once said that it is knowledge sets us free, but as I’ve learned, everyone’s knowledge is different.

 

After Michael died I knew nothing but one thing in life. I could no longer answer questions on why or how things turned out as they did. I could not tell you right from left. As time has passed though, I have embraced the unknown and learned to accept it as a companion on my journey here on earth.

 

Still though, there are those times, those gut-wrenching, bring you to your knees moments in which the lack of knowledge of how one has ended up in the predicament they’re in, can run a muck on the soul we each carry inside of us.

 

I don’t know why I can’t hold the hand or kiss the lips of my one true love, I don’t know why his vehicle had to be the one to be absorbed by the 2,00 pound blast, I don’t know why I must sometimes wander in a world in which few understand me…and yet…as overpowering and heartbreaking as some of these things may be I can only  return to the one true thing I know…the northern light in a world that sometime has no direction….

 

I know I am loved…but not only loved but in love with my counterpart…my chosen one…my compass.

 

It’s all I know in a place that sometimes feels like a dark alleyway.

 

And that is all the knowledge I need…it’s all I need….and I am free.