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Posts tagged ‘military widow’

Ill-Equipped

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It’s a funny thing.

The breaking of the shell that once encased a broken heart.

A shell that unveils a stronger, more resilient heart….person…life.

No longer protected by the bitterness and loathing of what occurred, you find yourself open and vulnerable to the elements of a life you’re ready to live.

With that comes some of life’s irritants; insecurity, doubt and apprehension.

Today, while sharing in these struggles of living fully, a dear friend stated something so poignant, moving and true.

She mentioned how someone told her how ill-equipped she was to be doing what she was, yet she was beyond successful and living a life by her terms. She didn’t meet the “prerequisites” of what usually must be done to reach that state of life, yet she was doing so at a level beyond most.

She told me that to ensure me that what I was doing and how I was living was more than enough.

She made me realize that I am ill-equipped for the norm. For the anticipated. For the path taken by most.

But it made me realize that I was equipped for the extraordinary. The unexpected. The path least taken.

With that comment, and my realization, I smile.

Smile as I stand bright-eyed and bushy-tailed towards all the elements that are bound to cross a soul wide-open to life’s experiences. A life that was never equipped for the anticipated. A life that proudly takes in the unknown.

And hell, I look forward to every second of it!

Faith

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When he died, my faith died.

Faith in a god, life, living…

There was only one thing I wanted to believe, that he’d come back home.

When that didn’t come to fruition, it was believing that life would end shortly thereafter.

It didn’t.

Nothing changed.

It wouldn’t change until I started believing.

Believing that I could survive. That I should survive.

Believing that inhaling and exhaling, at some point, would be a natural process that I didn’t pay attention to, mostly because there were too many times I wished I would have stopped doing both.

Faith became a silly word I loathed using.

I’ve always thought that faith was a belief in something bigger than one’s self.

I forgot that for a while.

But when the turning moment came for me to believe that I could survive….thrive after losing him, so came the moment that I realized a truth.

That I still had faith in our love.

It was bigger than us both.

It still is.

And now, 6.5 years later, that faith has allowed me to know, believe and trust in those things.

With one of the most important being the angels that have guided my way.

Sometimes it was a child smiling at me in line after a night of crying. Other times I know it’s been Michael with the synchronicity that could not be explained. There are even moments when I realize I am one for myself.

Sometimes it just takes us believing.

And with the belief comes the faith.

And with the faith comes a world possibility, in one that once seemed impossible.

And with that, an unveiling of a world or people, things and moments that make once unfathomable seconds, now worth it.

Faith never died. It never will.

Believe me.

“Everyone has an Angel. A Guardian who watches over us. We can’t know what form they’ll take. One day, old man. Next day, little girl. But don’t let appearances fool you, they can be as fierce as any dragon. Yet they’re not here to fight our battles, but to whisper from our heart. Reminding that it’s us. Its everyone of us who holds power over the world we create. You can deny angels exist, Convince ourselves they can’t be real. But they show up anyway, at strange places and at strange times. They can speak through any character we can imagine. They’ll shout through demons if they have to. Daring us, challenging us to fight.”

Go

 

I’m a pretty laid back cat.

Put me in a room with great music, a cold beer and I’m set.

But that’s all external. Those are creature comforts.

When it comes to the internal….

The decisions I make that will determine my life at that current moment.

I’ve learned that the one thing you can’t be is laid back.

You must be vigilant.

A gladiator for your heart and all that it truly needs.

 

When it comes to living the life you deserve you can’t go with the flow.

You must stand for what you need.

What you deserve.

Where you’re challenged.

Where you learn.

Where your uncomfortable.

Where you’re at home.

Stand for what is uniquely you.

 

When it comes to your life, don’t go with the flow.

Go where you grow.

 

End of story. Beginning of beautiful reality.

Solutions

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I’ve recently been on the search for a new home.

It’s not a long distance from my current casa, but in an area I love and come alive in.

During many of the showings of the houses I’ve found enticing, I’ve been bombarded with one question over and over from my brokers (aka parents).

As we entered each place and I’d point out something I loved, they would rebuttal with….

“What does having that/living here solve that your current house doesn’t?”

Sometimes I would have an amazing answer, sometimes I didn’t, only that I just loved its feel and environment (an anaswer not always accepted by discerning parents…or heck….people in general).

After a few days of searching and that unwavering question from outside entities, I found a moment to sit, relax and reflect.

In that reflection on just what moving would solve, an amazing revelation occurred. Not only about the house…but in life in general.

It’s not always about the solution…sometimes it’s simply about the evolution.

I can’t tell you what or how certain things have been solutions for me, as much as they have helped me to evolve to a better, happier person.

Reason and answers sometimes need to take backseat for our heart’s knowing pull to something beyond where we are and what we have been.

An evolution.

One that may not be solving something, as much as it is key in growing something within.

There’s No Place Like Hope

 

 

I was spending my Friday evening perusing a used book store when my eye was caught by this very catchy title.

 

Being an avid “Wizard of Oz” fan, the switch of HOME with HOPE struck such a chord with me.

 

Home, for me, has never equated to a physical structure, but rather a place to fully be me.

 

To be immersed by all that I love.

 

To let me hair down.

 

Dance around naked.

 

Talk out loud.

 

Find myself.

 

Cry.

 

Laugh.

 

LIVE…

 

A breeding ground to create memories and share moments with those I care about.

 

A place of peace.

 

Unapologetic.

 

Quirky.

 

Me.

 

 

When thinking of all that I hope for, I saw that it literally embodied what “home” was/is.

 

Hope is nothing more than us trying to find our way back to all that we are when we find ourselves in a space/energy/place that embraces all that we are and all those that add color to our canvas….hope in disguise.

 

I have no freaking clue what that darn book is about that stirred this realization…But I sure as hell know that it made me realize that there really is nothing like hope.

 

Nothing like ‘home’.

 

Nothing like remembering where the yellow brick road leads to and what that homecoming means to one’s soul.

 

Sometimes we just need to click the heels of our hearts and mind together to remember where it is.

 

 

Invincible

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You know that feeling….

You can do it all.

Conquer it all.

Get through it all.

You enter any situation or place almost as if you own the joint, simply because they’re by your side.

All is right.

All that isn’t, will soon be.

You’re safe.

All is sound.

You have the unquestionable and unshakeable knowledge that you are deeply loved.

For all that you are.

All that you’ll be.

Unconditionally.

 

 

Then loss occurs.

You have a feeling of self-doubt, instability and a fear to take one step forward.

It happens…

 

 

One of my favorite guided meditations to lead is the ‘feeling of love’ meditation, as I call it.

You go back to that place.

That safe place and power of a love someone showed you, which in turn bestowed you with a confidence and assurance that all will be well…even amazing.

Mid-way through the meditation, I ask them to release the image/place/feeling of that person, but to hold on to the energy.

It’s tough.

It can be painful.

But as they breathe through it. Inhaling the love. Exhaling the fear of being on a world without them here physically, a switch occurs.

 

 

It’s a meditation I personally guide myself through on days where I just need that extra oomph…. it’s that reminder that the invincible feeling I had with Michael wasn’t dependent solely on him, but created within myself when the perfect one for me showed me it was possible to find that love and power within.

I can still feel it.

Still walk in to a building like he’s by my side.

Feeling confident that it was in the action of someone loving me unconditionally that I was able to find within myself an unconditional love that knows no boundaries, or rules on when and how and where to come forth.

And I will rock.

And I will kick ass.

And will do it eyes wide open. Fearlessly.

To infinity and beyond 😉