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Posts tagged ‘Philosophy’

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“When you blame others, you give up your power to change.” ~Dr. Anthony Robins

Michael was blown up.

Blown up by a man in a field who waited for the perfect moment to detonate thousands of pounds of explosives underneath him.

And yet, with such a heinous and deliberate act, I have no doubt in my heart, that he died in peace. He died with no anger.

After I was notified, I found myself not angered by the stranger who pressed down on the detonator. Or the military. Or the men who were with him. Or really anyone here on earth.

As the days and months passed I saw what it was to be blamed for his death by others (yes, even in grief, and in Texas, I was blamed). But I never took it personally, knowing that it was there way of displacing the pain they didn’t know how to handle (I personally preferred to displace it on a bottle of wine….but we’re all different).

And it’s happened more since his death. Blame. Anger. Hatred. And in all honesty, I always took it because it never absorbed, and I know we all react in different ways.

But it wasn’t until 4 years after his death. 4 years of learning to live. 4 years to teach myself how to inhale and exhale in a world without him. 4 years to remember who I was before the loss and merge it with who I had become.

4 years till it hit me.

And in all places, an Indian sweat-lodge.

It hit me in the vulnerability of the heat, strangers and darkness, that I realized something that I never even knew existed.

Up until that evening, I had prided myself on never blaming. I was pretty good at taking the blame. But I always felt I took ownership for my actions. It seemed easy.

But it hit me.

I had been blaming someone for something since his death.

Blaming a god/higher being for Michael’s death.

It had been so easy to live a life free of blame when I had put it on someone I do not know and cannot see.

It hit my heart that night, and I had to say it. I had to verbalize something that I had been unconsciously hiding in my heart for so long.

I did.

And it changed my life.

It changed my life in allowing me to take away the blame and let be.

It allowed me to jump over the invisible stone wall that was still surrounding and cloaking every action and aspect of my life….without me even knowing it.

For it was after that moment. When I stepped out of the lodge, that found myself living a blame free life.

Blame free for me and towards any and all things.

A life that had patiently waited until the right moment to let me walk into the surprise party of awesome-ness that I didn’t even know I was invited to.

I’ve even stopped blaming myself for not recognizing it until that moment.

For it was then that I knew that the ability to embrace change and the changes to come, far outweighs the heavy weight of the blame we create in our hearts and minds.

Mistakes

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“Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.”
-Dalai Lama XIV

This quote reminds me of a new year message I shared with my friends that I’m, in true Taryn fashion, sharing with you a bit belated.

Mistakes, losses, changes…all consistent attributes in any persons life, but I guess being the eternal optimist I am, I rarely remember, fixate, or find myself debilitated because of their ever coming and going presence.

In retrospect though, they’ve all led to another path in this labyrinth of a life that I’m ever grateful for.

So as another being so eloquently put into words, I too hope for many mistakes for you and me in 2013:

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re Doing Something.

So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever.”
-Neil Gaiman

 

With You

“I like people with depth, I like people with emotion, I like people with a strong mind, an interesting mind, a twisted mind, and also someone that can make me smile.” – Abbey Lee Kershaw

I’m stubborn. I’m sarcastic. I say things like I see them. I bottle up my emotions. I’m a fireball.

He was laid back. He laughed at my sarcasm. He’d correct me when I was wrong. He made me express my emotions. He cooled me down when things got hot.

Michael was most definitely not the same as me. He was the opposite. He was perfect for someone like me; The person that has a filter issue but loves to be challenged, corrected, educated.

Michael made me grow. He makes me grow.

It’s not easy not having him here…The person that I didn’t need to explain things too, but the person that challenged me to challenge myself. My ways. My words. My life.

I keep that going. I motivate myself to remember that he made me want to be and be a better person.

I still am me. The person he fell in love with.

But still the person that makes mistakes. Says the wrong things. Sticks to my guns when everyone says let them go.

I’m the person that knows that I will grow. I will be me. I will become a better me.

I miss you, baby. The person I was with you.

But I know…no matter what, you will always be here. You will always stand by my side, but make me work, reflect, and remember that there’s room to improve.

And I will.

And I’ll smile knowing so.

I Smile

Recent Photo From One of my 2011 Adventures

“To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget.”
-Arundhati Roy

 

I must say, with each passing year it’s as if another layer of sludge is washed away from my life….The life that began the day Michael was killed. I life I used to loathe to the core of my being.

 

But for once, I’ve been watching, I’ve been learning. I’ve been trying to understand that which I don’t, and yet, with no answers I smile with the reflection.

 

I feel that so much has been bestowed upon me since becoming his widow, and yet, I find more of it that I love than I could ever hate. I’ve never looked away. And for once I am seeing the fruits of that sometimes painful action. I see the immeasurable gifts before me, and even more for my taking. And just as the quote states, I know it’s because I never allow myself to forget. Forget the nights we sometime wish we never had to remember, the moments where taking my life seemed like the only means to an end of all that I felt was taken from us both, the moments where I cursed God for continuing to test me and my strength I sometimes ignore.

 

Those moments, though they will probably occur time to time until I’m reunited with my love, are the ones I sit here at my computer smiling over.

 

The questioning, begging, and pleading have gone on an undetermined sabbatical and I feel free. And I feel Michael. And I feel excited for where our story will continue to lead me.

 

And I feel alive.

 

And it’s all I because I never forgot…..It’s all because I’ll never forget.