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Posts tagged ‘Poetry’

Lost

I was having a farewell dinner this evening with a friend…which usually equates to sharing our thoughts on life and all that it teaches/has taught us thus far.

At one point during our conversation, he looked at me and said, “Taryn, there was a quote from a book that changed my life. I want to share it and I want you to absorb it.”

Intense!

That was the word floating into my head with such a preface!

“Ok.” I responded, taking an exaggerated inhale as some sort of sign to show him I was prepared.

He opened his mouth and the words poured out:

“All that is not given is lost.”

I repeated it aloud. I repeated it again.

I sat silently and dissected it in every which way.

It hit me. I dare not say in which way, as I think it’s a line that will bring to the surface the things deep within ourselves that we may have lost….which will be different for each of us.

The things we have failed to give.

 

I know since Michael’s death, there is much that I have given and much that I have received.

I also know that there have been parts of me that I have held so close that had/if I did/do not let go, I would never know all the true beauty still awaiting me.

I want to give.

Every aspect of every ounce of every part of myself.

I refuse to die with any lost part of my being.

I’ve lost too much to lose anymore by my own hand.

I want to give it my all in giving my all.

I owe it to myself.

200

They will tell you; you can stack misery, you can pack, disappear, you can even wear your sorrow — but come tomorrow you must change your clothes. Everyone knows pain. We are not meant to carry it forever. We were never meant to hold it so closely, so be certain in the belief that what pain belongs to now will belong soon to then.

For my 200th post, I wanted to share a video that is a reminder for all those (everyone), of what we need to remember in the moments our life and mind have a tendency of clinging to. To that which no longer serves us but has become a comfort zone. Something that acts of no use, but a reminder of what you used to be, and what we never want to return to.

 

I guess more than anything, I post it because 200 posts later, I can say that the pain belongs to the ‘then’.

 

It sometimes hurts to type the truth, especially when you were convinced it could never be possible.

 

200 posts later, I know that it is…and so is everything else.

Feel

Though I love to come her to share my thoughts, experiences and words, there are moments that I come across things that speak so poignantly that it must be given the space to spread to those who deserve to hear it.

 

This letter is one I found this evening that I know so many who have lost, struggled, hurt and suffered, should read.

 

Written by a stranger. But a human. Who has gone through who knows what in their lifetime.

 

May it impact you the way it has for me:

 

There will be days when the tears become waterfalls upon your cheeks Feelings cascading down your skin soaking you to the bone, to your soul.There will be nights when you are so overcome with the weight of being alive that you cannot sleep. You turn and toss in the sea of bed sheets. There will be years when the emotions you held in for so long, for too long, breakthrough in waves and currents that you have not yet learned to swim in.

Breathe my love. It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to be emotional. It’s okay to sit with the feelings and try to understand them. It’s okay to let them hug your body for a while, till you are ready for them to let go. And if it takes longer than most to say goodbye that’s okay. You feel what you feel till you don’t feel it anymore. It takes time. You will not drown in the ocean of emotion. You will float on your back and feel it all, every ripple, every wave as the sun leans in to kiss away your tears.

For every person that told you, “you’re too emotional” I stand before you with arms open wide and say it’s okay love, it’s okay to be emotional.

I love you,

Dele

Never

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Someone once said, “You never need to apologize for how you chose to survive.”…

6 years later, and I still couldn’t agree more.

I’ve been madly happy.

I’ve been madly sad.

I’ve been mad.

But above all else.

I’ve been.

That is enough.

That is amazing.

That is something that is the proudest of my accolades after being Michael’s wife and widow.

I have and will love.

I will prevail.

I will fall.

I will get up for the millionth time.

But I will never ever doubt or talk down on the decisions and life I have and do lead.

For it is all I know.

It is all I grow with.

It is all I will be flawed in.

It is all I will become.

It is.

I’ve been.

I am.

Me.

No apologies.

Reminder

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When the hands of time

evict the smile from the apartment building of your face.

When you get punched in the esophagus by a fist full of life

Remember

The human heart beats approximately 4,000 times per hour

And each pulse,

each throb

each palpitation is a trophy

engraved with the words

“You are still alive”

…So act like it

-Rudy Francisco

I’m sitting at a cafe, sipping pinot noir, feeling the 62 degree air whisper on my face and blow aside my hair.

A rose-bush is blooming, people are on first dates, others with their best friends, and some soaking in the sun beams that have decided to grace us with their presence.

I remember going to a cafe like this over 5 years ago, months after Michael’s death. I despised that other’s could laugh, love, and live with him not here.

But today is different. I am different. I allowed time to take its toll and place its blessing.

I can sit here and listen to the”trophy” that each beat of my heart gifts me with.

I can sit here and smile while acknowledging so.

I can sit here and be. And smile. And inhale all that surrounds me. And exhale with the happiness of being able to do so.

And I can say, I don’t have to act like I’m still alive…but embrace it as the glorious action it is.

Learn

 

It starts with words. Then numbers.

 

Your shoe laces.

 

Sentences.

 

Driving.

 

Kissing.

 

Love.

 

Death.

 

The things we learn in the earliest of ages can sometimes make us nostalgic. To have no worries but to learn what 1 + 2 equals. To clean your room. To use stick shift.

 

Then life happens and adds dimension and layers you could have never imagined. The warm, tingly feelings in the arms of someone you love. The heartache in battling your insecurities. This urge to surpass your limits to see just how far they’ll go.

 

Learning becomes intense. It becomes unbearable at times. It becomes an addiction that you can’t quite ever kick….no matter how much it screws you up at moments…long moments.

 

You learn that there is someone out there that loves you unconditionally. You learn what it feels like to be unstoppable.

 

You learn what it is to dream…to plan.

 

You learn what it feels like to have it all taken away.

 

You learn about loss in the most tragic of examples. From a teacher you cannot argue with.

 

You learn what it is like to want to give up.

 

You learn what it feels like to want to die.

 

You learn what it feels like for time to pass…slowly…too slow.

 

Then you learn what it is to survive.

 

What it is to really wake up.

 

You learn that you were wrong.

 

You learn that their love never left you.

 

You learn that you are strong.

 

You learn to live….again.

 

You learn.

 

And you learn.

 

And you go from loathing life to embracing it once more.

 

And you are unstoppable.

 

And you learn.