The beach air seeps into my skin. The clouds melt into my eyes. The breeze wisps past my heart.
I sit here on a deck by the ocean. I sit here and reflect. I sit here and absorb.
I’m here in Port Aransas for an AWP getaway. I’ve fallen ill. Not a cold, but something I fear to test, as I fear of how it could incapacitate me, how it could make me face life’s bumps without him.
So I sit here on the porch, red wine to my right, eternal ocean to my left.
Not being with my fellow widows, at a time that I have put my heart, life and love into leaves me to my own devices.
So I sit here and say out loud, to myself, what is aching to leave my lungs. A realization I’ve long known but never put into words.
The fact. The utter truth…that you never know the sacredness of a smile or laugh until you can’t hear or see the one you most love. Fear that your own will never return. A sacredness that decided to embrace me once more. Introduced me to a long, lost friend.
And the breeze passes by my cheek as I look into the now glittering lights of the hotels in the night’s horizon.
And I smile.
And with his love enveloping me…I laugh.
The past two weeks have been a whirlwind, and I’m kind of getting acclimated on the occasions where they happen…and in a way enjoying the mayhem it brings.
Last weekend was one of the best parts (minus dancing like it’s going out of style with Brooke). We held an Inner Peace getaway for the amazing AWP ladies. From yoga to sailing to long nights of talking….it helped center me back in a place that I had been swinging around on like an out of control pendulum.
Being around such a diverse group of ladies, with diverse love stories and diverse ways of dealing with loss just reminded me that all is well.
Being near the ocean, a place Michael so deeply loves, didn’t hurt either.
I felt him. I forgot at moments that he was dead, as I was living life as if he was right there with me, with his soft, close-mouthed, grin and warm green eyes looking down at me.
I feel him when I live life as he’s right there with me, and maybe it’s a reminder that he never has left.
I must believe that if a feeling that strong exists, just like my love for him, it will never wander or disappear, I just must remind myself that it is real and to use it to get me through the times I need it most….and that’s always 🙂
It’s there waiting for me to take hold of, embrace, and have eternally…just as I know he is waiting there, where the world begins, to do the same.
In love with you, baby…
I lay in bed a lot, thinking of when Michael and I lay there together. The mornings where we had nothing else to do but sleep in, rolling into each others arms, with me kissing them as they embraced me. The evenings in which the world fell asleep with us, as there was nothing but him and I. Sometimes my heart will beat out of my chest reminiscing of those times, and it’s almost as if I’m back there.
I wrote this one night in which I could hear nothing but my heart beat, as I lay in bed. When I hear it I think of him, and the crazy world I find myself in becomes calm, and I know his beats with mine.
My heart racing
up against yours…
Trying to catch up to the feelings,
protruding out every pore.
But we lay still
knowing that if we lay here long enough,
they’ll find their way…
the pounding of our chests will become
and our hearts will laugh….
as we realize,
laying there like
that we are at the one place we are supposed to be.
And with my face pressed against your chest,
But I love your feet
only because they walked
upon the earth and upon
the wind and upon the waters,
until they found me.
I don’t have much to say today….
simply, “Thank you for lighting my sky.”
My love, my sun, my everything.
The tic toc of the clock
makes me think of
moments gone by,
moments that are passing,
that would want to
just to share them with