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Posts tagged ‘soul mate’

Load

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It was one day after the one year mark of losing him.

I was on a plane to Spain.

One backpack in tow. Two sets of clothes. Euros. Some photos. My feet.

225 miles to hike on unknown terrain that had no map, but seashells in the ground as markers or random arrows painted on tree trunks.

But before that  flight and the pilgrimage, came the preparation.

Let’s just say that I was not a hiker.

Let’s just say that going to REI was like walking into a baby nursery…I had no clue what the heck I was doing.

I improvised.

Used the knowledge of those that knew a bit more about backpacks, hiking boots and the best underwear to wash in a sink.

When packing, I tried to keep it to the minimum of all needed. Heck, I even was smart enough to not pack a warm jacket (said no one EVER).

From what I had read from past pilgrims, you’d end up with a lighter load by the time you’d reach Santiago (the destination).

It was the journey of a lifetime. A journey that kept me from any distractions (which had a way of being an escape from my harsh reality), and put me smack dab in a room with my thoughts and emotions as I hiked in silence 12 hours a day.

I had no preconceived notions on what the journey would consist of or do for my soul, and that ended up being my most valuable tool to carrying the load on my back and in my heart.

I came across those on the camino that came into it with different expectations.

They wanted to be healed. Cured.

They wanted it so bad that each hope for it all to disappear. was like throwing a rock into one’s pack.

It weighed them down.

Broke them down.

Until arriving to a place of anger and resentment for the journey that they expected to take their load off of them.

Never realizing that it was our duty to adjust our pack as nature and heart told us it was time or where to go.

The camino changed my life.

It changed my perspective on how to live in the now.

To know that everything you need will come at the right moment for your heart (not when your mind tells you it needs it).

By the end of my 20 days in Spain, the other pilgrims were correct.

I had less in my backpack.

I had dumped the unnecessary to see the true essentials, and without even realizing it,  done the same for my soul.

We’ll all take many journeys in our time and it’s our duty to create a load that we have unwavering faith that we can carry…because we can…we will…we just need not  anticipate what that load will bring us.

“It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it.”-Lena Horne

Go

 

I’m a pretty laid back cat.

Put me in a room with great music, a cold beer and I’m set.

But that’s all external. Those are creature comforts.

When it comes to the internal….

The decisions I make that will determine my life at that current moment.

I’ve learned that the one thing you can’t be is laid back.

You must be vigilant.

A gladiator for your heart and all that it truly needs.

 

When it comes to living the life you deserve you can’t go with the flow.

You must stand for what you need.

What you deserve.

Where you’re challenged.

Where you learn.

Where your uncomfortable.

Where you’re at home.

Stand for what is uniquely you.

 

When it comes to your life, don’t go with the flow.

Go where you grow.

 

End of story. Beginning of beautiful reality.

Solutions

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I’ve recently been on the search for a new home.

It’s not a long distance from my current casa, but in an area I love and come alive in.

During many of the showings of the houses I’ve found enticing, I’ve been bombarded with one question over and over from my brokers (aka parents).

As we entered each place and I’d point out something I loved, they would rebuttal with….

“What does having that/living here solve that your current house doesn’t?”

Sometimes I would have an amazing answer, sometimes I didn’t, only that I just loved its feel and environment (an anaswer not always accepted by discerning parents…or heck….people in general).

After a few days of searching and that unwavering question from outside entities, I found a moment to sit, relax and reflect.

In that reflection on just what moving would solve, an amazing revelation occurred. Not only about the house…but in life in general.

It’s not always about the solution…sometimes it’s simply about the evolution.

I can’t tell you what or how certain things have been solutions for me, as much as they have helped me to evolve to a better, happier person.

Reason and answers sometimes need to take backseat for our heart’s knowing pull to something beyond where we are and what we have been.

An evolution.

One that may not be solving something, as much as it is key in growing something within.

There’s No Place Like Hope

 

 

I was spending my Friday evening perusing a used book store when my eye was caught by this very catchy title.

 

Being an avid “Wizard of Oz” fan, the switch of HOME with HOPE struck such a chord with me.

 

Home, for me, has never equated to a physical structure, but rather a place to fully be me.

 

To be immersed by all that I love.

 

To let me hair down.

 

Dance around naked.

 

Talk out loud.

 

Find myself.

 

Cry.

 

Laugh.

 

LIVE…

 

A breeding ground to create memories and share moments with those I care about.

 

A place of peace.

 

Unapologetic.

 

Quirky.

 

Me.

 

 

When thinking of all that I hope for, I saw that it literally embodied what “home” was/is.

 

Hope is nothing more than us trying to find our way back to all that we are when we find ourselves in a space/energy/place that embraces all that we are and all those that add color to our canvas….hope in disguise.

 

I have no freaking clue what that darn book is about that stirred this realization…But I sure as hell know that it made me realize that there really is nothing like hope.

 

Nothing like ‘home’.

 

Nothing like remembering where the yellow brick road leads to and what that homecoming means to one’s soul.

 

Sometimes we just need to click the heels of our hearts and mind together to remember where it is.

 

 

Invincible

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You know that feeling….

You can do it all.

Conquer it all.

Get through it all.

You enter any situation or place almost as if you own the joint, simply because they’re by your side.

All is right.

All that isn’t, will soon be.

You’re safe.

All is sound.

You have the unquestionable and unshakeable knowledge that you are deeply loved.

For all that you are.

All that you’ll be.

Unconditionally.

 

 

Then loss occurs.

You have a feeling of self-doubt, instability and a fear to take one step forward.

It happens…

 

 

One of my favorite guided meditations to lead is the ‘feeling of love’ meditation, as I call it.

You go back to that place.

That safe place and power of a love someone showed you, which in turn bestowed you with a confidence and assurance that all will be well…even amazing.

Mid-way through the meditation, I ask them to release the image/place/feeling of that person, but to hold on to the energy.

It’s tough.

It can be painful.

But as they breathe through it. Inhaling the love. Exhaling the fear of being on a world without them here physically, a switch occurs.

 

 

It’s a meditation I personally guide myself through on days where I just need that extra oomph…. it’s that reminder that the invincible feeling I had with Michael wasn’t dependent solely on him, but created within myself when the perfect one for me showed me it was possible to find that love and power within.

I can still feel it.

Still walk in to a building like he’s by my side.

Feeling confident that it was in the action of someone loving me unconditionally that I was able to find within myself an unconditional love that knows no boundaries, or rules on when and how and where to come forth.

And I will rock.

And I will kick ass.

And will do it eyes wide open. Fearlessly.

To infinity and beyond 😉

 

Many

“Somehow she knew that you didn’t get many moments like this in your life: moments when you knew, without any doubt, that you were alive, when you felt the air in your lungs and the wet grass beneath your feet and the cotton on your skin; moments when you were completely in the present, when neither the past nor the future mattered. She tried to slow her breathing, hoping somehow to make this moment last forever.”
-Neil Gaiman

It was a day before he left.

My hands graced his chiseled jaw.

My eyes melted looking into his.

He asked what I was doing.

I responded with “Remembering this moment.”

 

 

It was under the sheets as the sun seeped through.

We’d lift them like a tent and stay in our “warmth bubble”.

Refusing to remember that time was clicking by.

In that moment, it was frozen.

 

 

It was his hand inching over to hold mine for the firs time.

In that truck on our way back from the zoo.

 

 

It was our last kiss.

Gate 14.

 

 

It’s waking up and stepping outside to smell the dew and feel the warmth of the sun on my back.

 

It’s walking down a path in India and soaking in each smell, sight and person.

 

It’s the knowledge that I get to meet the most amazing people and do what I love.

 

It’s cuddling with my dogs and hugging my family extra tight.

 

It’s now.

It was then.

It’s the moments.

The moments before tragedy struck.

The moments after.

Both stunning.

Both beautiful.

Both paving the way for those to still come.