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Posts tagged ‘time’

Leap

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“When we learn what it is our soul needs to learn, the path presents itself.”

 

Over a year ago, I decided to take a new journey in my daily passion. To create something. For myself. For others.

I decided to start laying the frame-work of what could be. I started finding those that wanted to come, nails in hand, and create it with me.

I jumped in. Day by day, getting closer to this change, this growth.

Now it’s here. The dream, not just in sight, but in hand.

The funny thing, though, is that there were a million tiny and large changes…unexpected, unplanned, some unwelcome…that have made this new chapter a glorious one.

Maybe that’s life.

We set these goals, these visions, these ideals of what we hope and work towards.  Only  to realize that it’s the in-betweens, the surprises, the new friends and deeper instilled friendships, the introspection, the new-found traditions and the growth that are the real gift.

The bigger the leap, the bigger the return…just with big struggles, big transformations and big changes.

I learned that when I fell in love with Michael. When I married him. When I became his widow.

Since his death, I had just forgotten the feeling of taking the leap willingly. Taking in and absorbing the benefits of a courage you knew would pay off, no matter what obstacles came one’s way.

I remember now.

I remember and smile…looking forward to the next leap.

Mistakes

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“Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.”
-Dalai Lama XIV

This quote reminds me of a new year message I shared with my friends that I’m, in true Taryn fashion, sharing with you a bit belated.

Mistakes, losses, changes…all consistent attributes in any persons life, but I guess being the eternal optimist I am, I rarely remember, fixate, or find myself debilitated because of their ever coming and going presence.

In retrospect though, they’ve all led to another path in this labyrinth of a life that I’m ever grateful for.

So as another being so eloquently put into words, I too hope for many mistakes for you and me in 2013:

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re Doing Something.

So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever.”
-Neil Gaiman

 

Expect

“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting a bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian”-Dennis Wholely

 

I wish that I could say that in the past five years since Michael’s death that assumptions and questions of my current life have fallen to the wayside.

 

But unfortunately, I assumed incorrectly, which proves even further that I just need to stop assuming!

 

All that aside, though, it seems that more than usual, that I am being questioned by many people on how or why I choose to live my life the way that I choose, and again, I assumed that all would take my response and leave it at that.

 

Again, that has not been the case and I’ve found many challenging or questioning my path. Again, not to sound like a broken record, the assumption that all would except others individual path and individual terms would be the norm was a wrong by me…but in a way…the right by me.

 

This past week has reinforced more than ever that my ideals that we are all unique and all dealt with challenges we will face here and there, has made it a bit easier when those moments come….even when I have made the mistake in assuming that all others would feel the same.

 

We all have had different situations, different perceptions, and yet, through the misunderstanding or personal belief, I know that we always will be left with those that embrace without understanding, that love without question why, that acknowledge without judging.

 

Change

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“I don’t know that love changes. People change. Circumstances change.”- Nicholas Sparks

December is always one of the toughest months of the year for me.

Wedding Anniversary, Christmas, my birthday…all within 4 days of each other.

And as I’ve mentioned before, I define Michael’s life by his love, not the day he died, so I find our anniversary tougher than the day he left this earth.

But this year I know will be better.

Not because I love him any less. Not because his absence is any less prominent. Not because the pain has fully dissapeared.

Because I have changed.

I see that I have the control. Not to change the circumstances of what has happened. But because I have changed in the sense that I am finally able to see that I change the circumstances of how I will react and evolve from these days.

I will undoubtedly be tired and have my mood swings, more than usual, but I have a feeling that December 2012 will be the best one since December 2007.

The love hasn’t changed…but grown…and finally I am allowing myself to grow with it.

Intertwined

“I close my eyes, thinking that there is nothing like an embrace after an absence, nothing like fitting my face into the curve of his shoulder and filling my lungs with the scent of him.”
― Jodi Picoult

It hits sometimes out of nowhere.

The pangs of separation. The hollow feeling that drains every ounce of energy as it reminds you of the absence and presence.

Life goes on cruise control and then the engine I call my soul is reminded that I didn’t get that “oil change”, that time allotted to just feel and not repress those random instances that have a way of making the whole journey feel as if there may be a bit of “air out of the tire”.

So where do I go to get a battery jump for the heart….iTunes movie trailers…I know…I’m demanding.

It was something I did all the time when Michael was alive (being the movie buffs we are)….and used to check new trailers each week.

It had been a while and I ended up watching this one.

Tears rolled down my face.

I always hoped all hopes that I’d see Michael again…it was something that kept me alive in the beginning and at random instances even now…and seeing this trailer made me think “what if we always knew…if we were certain we’d be connected life after life…pre-destined…some short, some long…ohhh….what that would mean!’

And it may be.

I have no eloquent words to say other than watch it…

It’s beautiful and terrifying and comforting…and basically, life in general….and maybe the future and past lives we’ve lived.

Ohhh…and I know in my heart of hearts we will be back together…destinies eternally intertwined.

Now

Michael loved Calvin and Hobbes:

A kid’s pretend friend that he asked lifes big and not-so-big questions to. An invisible tiger that always seemed to help guide him through his childhood.

Michael became that tiger to me when he died…he became the person I talked to for guidance…who I asked life’s questions to. But the response I knew would never come from him…it would have to be felt and heard by me and me alone. But still, I asked. I screamed and cried for reasoning to this tragedy before me.

As time has passed though, I’ve noticed that fewer and fewer of those questions on life, do I want, or even need an answer to. Just as a child grows up not needing a fictitious animal to guide their way.

In no way am I stating that I don’t still lean on my baby in the toughest of moments, but I’ve realized that the moments where I have been the most incapacitated by grief, are when I have been thinking about nothing but the future, the world in front of me without him by my side.

2012 is carrying a new constant that I know would make him happy, and I know brings a smile to my face. One I picked up along the in 2011.

A constant that freed me from the constraints of life that my pain and loss had me chained down with… had imprisoned me with its uncertainty.

The constant of living now…and nothing more.

I know the future will be what I make of it, but my present…my present was awaiting me to embrace it…and for more than just a second…I have done so.