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5 months around the world.

Tears.

Bliss.

Shedding.

Finding.

Searching.

So much that I don’t feel I will ever be able to put into words.

So much I’m still absorbing….embracing.

I can say, that more than anything, this trip was not about the tropical locations or adventures (yes…they played a part)…but this trip was about a widow who lost her soul mate over 8 years ago, who had never wanted to date or love or feel connected in that way again…learning how to be a “we” again.

Learning:

How to trust.

How to rely.

How to let go.

How to have faith in the unknown.

And…

I was not disappointed.

I struggled and fought and sometimes climbed into my mental cave of a security blanket, but not before Luke pulled it over my head and made me face it. Face myself. Face the obstacles of learning how to live in love after the one I loved was taken suddenly and tragically.

When times got toughest I’d find a “Michael” or “Charlie” show up in the form of a grocery bagger, a bungee coordinator, or a dog on a trail. I’d be sent warmth and hope in the form of a swallow or a white butterfly or a child’s smile.

More than anything, I saw the parts of me that I so easily ignored in the comfort of my solitude.

The fearless widow now saw the fears that still crippled her.

The go-with-flow girl saw that she still wanted to control the uncontrollable.

The peaceful warrior saw that she still had battles within herself to hand an olive branch to.

And so, here I sit, not swarmed by the impermanence I had become so acclimated to, but on the chair in the office in the home we live in.

I’m changed and am changing, but am still playing catch up to figure out in just what and all the ways.

And with that, I am learning to love all the crooks, cracks, crannies, jewels, dust, glitter and glow of this further unveiled soul of mine.

And I’m alive….and now, very fully aware of what that truly means….fully aware of where life exists.

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6 Comments Post a comment
  1. MARGO CRANE #

    Hi Taryn, Beautiful prose from a beautiful person! Thank you for sharing it with me. Much love to you, ❤ Margo

    Date: Sun, 19 Jul 2015 02:27:22 +0000 To: margolglover@msn.com

    07/19/2015
  2. ambph1 #

    Absolutely beautiful, as always amazing Taryn…XO

    07/19/2015
  3. For me personally, this is the most beautiful and profound, and slightly heartbreaking (in a good way), post you’ve ever written. In fact, I will print it out and hang it somewhere. Unlike you, I have not tragically lost a mate, but regardless, your words here feel just as if I could have said them myself.

    09/13/2015
    • thank you, katie….simply….thank you ❤

      11/03/2015
  4. Raquel #

    Nicely said my dear friend. I have enjoyed watching your adventures and have caught myself living vicariously through you. What you have written here has really hit home. I am at a point in my widow journey where I can truly say I am happy and I am ready to love again. Don’t get me wrong, that small twinge of fear of losing someone again is still there and may always will be.
    Isn’t it crazy how one person can just walk into your life and show you that it is possible to love again. Thank you Taryn for being you ❤

    11/03/2015
  5. I see some of the things coming out in this that you’d said today. What a beautifully imperfect journey, youre on. Not many could do it. Reminds me of a quote I got for my girls…”What if I fall? Oh but my darling, what if you fly!?” You keep flying. In fact, soar. I’ve watched your journey for years! You are the embodiment of what so many women want to be. Of what so many people want to be. I loved seeing you (FINALLY) and I hope we’ll do it again soon! You’ve got a place in NJ to rest that pretty head if you ever need it 😉 This lady wants some of that zen you put off.

    11/04/2015

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