12

My first trip to India with the most amazing, gracious souls I’ve ever encountered.   -Kaveri Vanita Seveshrama Orphanage

Every year on our anniversary I have tried to spread the love of a wonderful man by doing acts of  intentional love/kindness for strangers and family alike.

It has turned a day that for so many years was unbearable, into a day full of shared joy and excitement.

This year I’d like to ask your help in spreading the love! For the 12th Anniversary, having just 12 of you to help my mission of giving, would be the most amazing gift you can give to a day that personifies love.

Are you in????! Do you accept the mission? I know….what the heck is the mission, Taryn!?

Slow you roll, Tom Cruise….Here’s what I’m planning……..

—

It is no secret that my heart is deeply in love with India and the people who inhabit it.

It is in India that I have found the true meaning of surrender/letting go and trusting the unknown.

In India I learned the true meaning of happiness.

I learned how freaking lucky I am to have the things that so many of us take for granted each second (true story…I am kind of a master at not taking showers after not taking one for 20 something days there…I know…but really, it’s all about the baby wipes and Teen Spirit deodorant).

It is in India that I realized that Mother Theresa knew her shit(though I never doubted this saint)…because “I am not sure exactly what heaven will be like, but I know that when we die and it comes time for God to judge us, he will not ask, ‘How many good things have you done in your life?’ rather he will ask, ‘How much love did you put into what you did?”

So this leads me to the goal I have to make this day that encompasses so much love, into one that spreads love…to India 😉

I have stayed in touch with folks in India and was recently contacted by Gokulananda (go ahead…..say it 5 times fast…) who heads the Widow Initiatives in the Keonjhar District…..but first, let me digress…

I’m not sure if you know what it’s like to be a widow in India…I didn’t know until I was in Vrindavan where the “Widow Home” was…and never have I ever been more grateful to be a widow in the United States….to have the rights to pursue life after loss…to have created the AWP….to have the choice to rebuild after the ruins of tragedy.

Take a quick second to watch this clip….it sums it up pretty well (or google “Widow in India”…it’s pretty much the same across the board) what these women face.

 

Digression done and back to my buddy Gokulananda….who for typing purposes and because I think we’re cool with each other, I’m going to now call Goku on this post 🙂

So Goku’s been keeping me updated on all the amazing things they’re doing to educate all in the district on the importance of supporting widows and their children, while also giving the widows in the region opportunities to have a purpose and a plan to thrive after loss (which is basically my favorite thing in the world). Here are some pics of the ladies, their education initiatives, the children of the widowed they’re serving and some more eye goodies of good deeds:

Goku rocking it….and rocking that plaid!

So Goku and I have been going back and forth, and having run a non-profit for 10 years myself, I know that donations are great, but I love when physical items/services can be given instead of money. So I emailed Goku to send me a list of what I ( or WE….if you’re in 😉 ) could physically send for them to use now….even more so, I want to go beyond that and if you decide to answer this call, you’ll send it directly to them in India (straight to the source!).

So my dude Goku wrote me this:

….Thank you so much for your mail and your concern for the Widows and their Orphan Children.
The materials you have mentioned are very useful and is a dire need for the stakeholders.As per your mail we need the following materials:
White Polo Shirts(For Kids Only)
School Supplies(Note Books,Pencil,Pen,Markers,ABC Books for Kids Only)
Sandals(For both Widows and their Kids )
Water Filter is a dire need for every Widow family.
For Sarees,if it is not possible to arrange it in US,we are trying to arrange it from India.
Thank you once again in advance for your concern for the helpless Widows and their Orphan
Children living in India and supporting IDP Team’s effort in Widow Welfare,Empowerment and
Development.
With Kindest Regards.
In Solidarity,

GOKULANANDA OJHA

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So there you have it! Everything that may seem small that could make a huge difference (cue Mother Theresa…).

“Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.”

—

These are items that you (or you and your kids/family) can go grab anywhere for very little moola (but make a huge impact with). I would also urge you to write letters of support to them, and as they learn english I have no doubt that those letters will be their aim to one day read. As you can see in the email, I had mentioned the difficulty in finding white sarees (mandatory widow garb in India…and maybe why I like to wear rainbows….we’re lucky!). If for some reason you know how to get some, that would be amazing!

Having spent time there I know that water filters are indispensable, and something as small as this $15 life straw will make a huge impact if that is an item you have the means to donate.

—

So there you have it! The mission! If you do decide to partake (THANK YOU in advance!) please take a picture of it about to be sent off or of y’all working on putting it together and attach it to the FB post or in the comments below! I’d love to meet the goal of 12 folks sending packages of love (and I promise, you’ll get soooo much out of giving it)… and the posts will let Goku know our little corner of the world is helping in a big love/small gesture kind of way (and maybe I’ll send him rad plaid or non-plaid pics of us coming together for them…I’m thinking plaid…yep).

I’ve included the address to the foundation/Goku below. Print it out and bring it to the post office in case of any confusion.

I am a widow because of December 23rd, 2005…the day I chose to follow my heart and marry Michael….

There is no better way for me to pay gratitude to him for choosing me to be his wife then to help those who are suffering because of their “I Do” ending too soon.

Thank you for taking this journey with me (Cue Mother Theresa…)….

“At the end of life we will not be judged by how many diplomas we have received, how much money we have made, how many great things we have done.
We will be judged by “I was hungry, and you gave me something to eat, I was naked and you clothed me. I was homeless, and you took me in.”

 

 

Some of my favorite souls during my time of teaching in Baljeet Nagar.

MR.GOKULANANDA OJHA

MEMBER-SECRETARY

INDIA DEVELOPMENT PROJECT

AT:-AKHUPAL,POST:-BADAJAMUPASI

VIA:-GHATGAON,DIST:-KEONJHAR

STATE:-ODISHA,PIN CODE:-758027,INDIA

Tel:- +91 7377720394

 

The Big 1-0

May 21st, 2017 marks 10 years.

10 years since the bomb went off. 10 years since the phone rang. 10 years since the drive home. 10 years since the two men walked up to me. 10 years since Michael was pronounced dead at 22.

To say that a lot has taken place since his death may be an understatement…a lot has happened…and today I want to acknowledge some personal truths that I have learned and, most importantly, celebrate Michael’s journey.

It’s easy when you lose someone you love (in whatever manner) to use that loss as a reason to stop living…and for much time I used his death as an excuse to drown in my grief, to not tell the people I love the most that I loved them, to not pursue the dreams I held in the deepest parts of my being…but I needed to….

I needed to nearly drown myself emotionally to see that a bigger part of me wanted to “come up for air”…a bigger part of me wanted to believe that this catastrophe could be survived….I needed to simply acknowledge that I was still breathing, and that that meant something….something so many amazing beings have had cut too short….and I wasn’t going to waste it.

10 years later, I know with all my heart and being that I am not wasting this oxygen and carbon dioxide. Not one ounce of me (because admittedly, for 9 years a few ounces leaked out and I wanted to punch the universe for taking away something so special) wastes that inhale and exhale.

10 years later, I feel Michael in all that is good in the world and in my life.

I’ve known him longer dead then I have alive…yeah…that’s crazy shit right there….but I can tell you that memory lasts longer that any everlasting battery…and in his 22 years I had the “essential oil” of an extraordinary man…not diluted by so much of the pains and angst our world bears. And that “essential oil” of love for me and his family, for life, for the Army…has been an essence I’ve strived to diffuse in the world around me….and I see its beautiful effects every moment.

I can say that I am happier than I ever have been….and I know that I never thought I would be able to say this, but..I would go through this journey a million times over if it meant that I would live/experience/have the life I have now…and I don’t say that lightly.

In my 6 years of life with Michael he taught me many things….with the most important being that love conquers all….but even more so….that it can be fuel to live the most extraordinary life…no matter what circumstances you face.

He didn’t just teach me that…..but I chose/choose to live it….and it has made all the difference in my 31 years on this planet.

May 21st is a day that I celebrate the life of the man that chose a path that I stand behind and a man that showed all a love that all that knew him can ever lose.

I hope this Sunday you smile. I hope that you feel alive. I hope that you laugh. I hope that you feel love. I hope you feel these gifts….for that is to feel the legacy of Michael.

-per tenebras lucem quaero- through darkness I seek the light-

 

 

 

11

“It is such a simple thing to say yet it carries so much weight, whether it is with a spouse while you both read your books or it’s with a friend who has been with you through thick and thin or it is to a family member who has loved you from the start.

Those words, that thought, the action of saying it to them with purpose and truth can mean the world to them. Because after all, they mean enough for you to say “Thank you for loving me.”- T.B. LaBerge

–

 

Today marks 11 years since I said “I do.” to a man that would change the whole trajectory of my life, heart and soul. A man that in his 22 years of life has inspired me to try and do a small fraction of the good he spread.

Yeah….this is a funny story for another time 😉

On past anniversaries I’ve done a sea of random acts of kindness for a slew of strangers (you can check them our here and here ) as a way to spread the love he showed so many, but I awoke this morning struggling. Though I have enjoyed spending a whole day spreading joy to my fellow life journeyers, my heart felt as if there was something more important for me to fulfill this year…and after thinking back to something that a person I love so dearly shared (thank you, moochie), I knew what it was…

Instead of a day of random acts of kindness to strangers, I would spend a day of intentional acts of love and gratitude to those who have been there through it all….my family….specifically my 3 sisters and parents.

I tell my family I love them all the time….sometimes a little too much…because the truth is, after Michael was killed, I didn’t tell them “I love you” for nearly 3 years. Why? Because after experiencing the pain of losing someone I loved, I convinced myself that not saying it to them would save me from feeling that kind of pain again….it didn’t work and was a total #lifefail…don’t do it 😉

 

So what would I do to let them know how much they truly rock my heart?

 

Easy….think back to one of my lifetime wishes as a child, mix it with some wisdom learned along my life path, add in some extra sappiness and turn it into reality! Boom!

 

First, I typed up letters for each sister and my parents….not just telling them I loved them and appreciated them….but literally listing out every little thing from childhood and on that I maybe never told them but would want them to know in case today was my last day to live….Michael left no loose ends in his short life and everyone around him knew how much they meant….so yeah, my sisters were going to know how much I loved their love for “Ace of Base”, their drawing talents and intelligence, and that time we jumped off the stairs into a pile of pillows…..it meant my parents were going to know that every tuck into the bed and selfless sacrifice was noted and appreciated…….it meant I possibly cried my eyes out……it meant that they were probably going to hear more than they asked for and then some…. it meant it was perfect!

After the letters were typed I entered into the childhood dream part! Ok….this might sound weird but at the age of 9 I started opening up and sending in the Publisher’s Clearing House letters my parents received! (Hey….a kid can dream)

I was so convinced that we were going to win that I would sit by the front window for hours and months on end…waiting for that darn  van to pull up and have someone jump out with the balloons, champagne, roses and a giant check! (See Photo…)

I could get all the items for this day but the check…which I replaced with something I think is far better than money….love.

I picked up the goods and the sweet lady getting the balloons and roses asked me if I was doing employee appreciation gifts….I told her the whole plan and she shared with me that she had lost her daughter 11 years ago to leukemia and it made her happy to see good coming out of sad….i have a feeling we were supposed to meet. Thank you, Christina.

After checking out I recreated a scene from “Up” in the parking lot and maybe got a little excited….

Then it was off to Lindsey’s house.

When I got there I hit my first snag….15 balloon ribbons all tangled up….sweet baby jesus…i just ripped them off….back to the surprise knock on the door! How did PCH do this so many years 🤔

Lindsey is my second youngest sister and would be the first victim of love (that’s a good song title…just puttin’ it out there ;D ).

She thought I was dropping off some AWP stuff for her to work on….no sir-ee-bob!

The knock came and the love check/letter was handed over…

She did not see it coming!

…And her and her wonderful husband thought they were surprising me (and did), because when I came in they had champagne waiting too , to do a toast for today. They’re amazing.

Next up, my youngest sister, Sammi…the one whose life I missed out on so much while going through the darkest parts of my grief in the first few years after Michael’s death. The one I had a few more important things to share.

She thought I was dropping off cookies I baked (which should have been the first clue of a surprise to come since I’m not a baker).

As I drove over the perfect song came on…

When I got to Sam’s house she was out in the front yard….just like in the PCH commercials….

Ok…maybe she didn’t faint, but I think it was a surprise and it was one of the letters I had the hardest time writing aka I cried a lot and hoped she felt the love.

Off to my last sister’s house. Kenzi was prepping the house for Christmas eve and answered the door in shock…being the oldest sister we always knocked heads….but I let her know just how amazing she truly is to me.

Her smile and my other sister’s smiles made my year…I love them so much and am very lucky to have them love me back.

Last but not least were my parents, who were out at dinner but came home to this little setup:

All in all….it was the perfect day.

I’m guilty of going through life supporting and helping and sharing love with people I barely know (if i know them at all)…and it has brought me so much happiness, healing and joy… but I did so just telling the people I love the most “I love you.” without ever really letting them know in all the ways, and without sharing the memories that have had the deepest imprint on my heart….

I’ve done it….and I never will fear that they didn’t know… nor will there be a second where I think “I wish I would have told them…..” and that is the greatest act of intentional kindness that I know how to give…and that is love…and that is family….and that is eternal.

❤

sa·yo·na·ra

You can’t cross the sea merely by standing and staring at the water. -Rabindranath Tagore

 

Tomorrow I leave for a 12 day buddhist pilgrimage on the small Japanese island of Shikoku.

I have no earthly idea how I was led to do this, how I’m going to get around on an island of non-english speakers (and my small knowledge of Japanese language…..other than that which I owe to 80s music ….case in point:

Thanks, guys….wait…I mean domo arigato 😉 )

Add to that a forest of pit vipers, wild boars, signs I may not be able to read to get to my next village and poisonous centipedes…and I’m kind of feeling like Indiana Jones, but the indiana jones that didn’t like snakes and found himself in interesting situations:

But man…I am pumped!

Yes, maybe at times I’ve worried about trying to figure out how to use the japanese baths  (luckily I found this jewel): 

 

And I was worried about what to pack ( but found out I’ll be sporting this amazing and symbolic ohenro-san apparel….where every item has a very deep and spiritual meaning. “It is said that white is worn because long ago some pilgrims would collapse from the physical exertion and die during the pilgrimage, and the white robes could serve as their burial clothes”….two birds, one stone…respect):

—

 

I’ve had the great gift and capability of being able to travel to many places and this will be my second pilgrimage (with the first being the Camino de Santiago I did at the one year mark of Michael’s passing) and if there was anything that I learned that time around, it was that everything would be okay if I trusted the path. That was very difficult one year after Michael died, as it was hard to believe that anything happened for a reason, but nine years later, years into trusting my “path”, I look forward to challenging myself even more….mentally, spiritually and physically. As it’s been said about the Henro:

What is important is not the destination,
but the act of getting there.
The Path itself is the goal.

Buddhism has also played a role in my life after loss and I love the idea that On the way of the 88 Temples, anyone that you meet, anyone that you hear, anyone that you see; they are all manifestations of Buddha. Learn from their strengths and reform your own shortcomings.….so listen and learn and honor them…..I think that’s a goal to embody in everyday life.

 

INSERT YOURSELF HERE…you look great in orange too!

There are many “seas” in this inner world we each hold within…and I have stood upon many shores looking out at what seemed like an endless abyss..

An abyss that your mind tells you you can not survive and that tries to freak you out (like these signs on the Henro Pilgrimage: )

 

Not sure what’s going on here…but the snake looks pretty friendly…and has nice hair 😉

Pumba does not look happy!

…but I have crossed them, because my heart always said it would be worth it…and it wasn’t lying.(What the heart forgot to mention is once you cross that first ocean, you open the door to looking through the binoculars to see there are many more seas out there waiting for you if you are willing to look deeper…not on the beach, but in the current, the unknown, life.)

 

So yes, I am a bit nervous and have no clue that will come my way,but THAT IS LIFE and  and  I’m ready to keep on living’ it!

 

Lots of love- Taryn

Risking

Taking a risk….

We have been taught that one of two things can occur from such an action:

Something bad, with  an unfavorable outcome..

Or….

Something magnificent, soul empowering and life-affirming.

–

So what happens when you take a risk and both occur?

Would it be a mutant? An “X-Men” of risks?

A grey area that few talk about or like to admit to?

–

Or is risking something of ourself….of our life, always going to have both outcomes?

You know what. That’s what I believe. Because at the end of the day, when we take a risk and our dreams come true, we forget to admit that even the magnificent is finite.

And when the “bad” occurs, we forget to see and honor the great wisdom that comes from the hardships.

And maybe, just maybe, by embracing that risk will not have one of the outcomes….but both….maybe that allows us to cherish, and be grateful, and honor the roses and thorns that occur from such a noble and courageous act.

–

Marrying Michael at 19 was one risky move….I can admit to that. Not only because of age but because he was Infantry in the Army in the middle of a war.

But you know what…. I refuse to look at that risk as one I shouldn’t have taken because he died and I was left a widow a 21 years old.

He was one of the greatest risks of my life.

And yes, a “non-favorable” outcome occurred that temporarily shattered me.

But if he had come back and lived another 70 years by my side, one of us would have eventually passed-on….and that wouldn’t be favorable either.

But the risk is always worth it.

I can’t decide the timing or the turmoil or the triumphs that happen as a result of such an action….but I want to keep risking.

I want to keep milking every ounce of beauty in the risks that turned out the way I planned, and keep honoring the teachings from the risks that didn’t (seem to at the time) end as hoped for.

And what is life if not one short or long and beautiful stretch of hoping, trying and loving and living…..but only if you risk to feel/experience it.

Risk on.

What it holds….

I’m not one for resolutions, but I am one for honesty and accountability…

And what better accountability than words I can go back to.

---

 

2015 was insane.

In all truthfulness, it was the year I questioned life more than ever (even more than after Michael was killed in Iraq….and boy….did I question a lot after that).

Seeing the things that I saw in the poverty ridden areas.

Seeing the things within my heart and mind that were tested, uprooted and resurfaced.

Seeing the lack of understanding and gratitude for life.

Seeing that the more that I learned the less that everything made sense….

 

It did a doozy on me (<—is it did? or played? or had? Is doozy even the right word?anyways…).

 

And with that doozy I spent the latter part of 2015 trying to realize what I wanted/felt called to do with the experiences, teachings and life that I have experienced thus far. I blowed it into the wind to be answered by those forces unseen.

 

Now there may be that question, “What about the AWP?!”

 

Slow your roll 🙂 The AWP has been my heart and soul for nearly 9 years, but once I returned I saw the other beautiful hearts, love and sweat being put into it by my team…and saw that they had taken it to another level where my involvement up front was not where it any longer needed to be. And I think that’s the hope of any founder….to see that the mission and services can live on, expand, and flourish in your not always involved presence.

At the core of the AWP, my hope has always been to have a place of healing that was built and brought upon by those who knew the darkest depths of pain and loss. Even more so, I wanted others to see that we heal by helping, holding and honoring those around us. The AWP is me, my fellow widows, our heroes and supporters. The AWP is life, perseverance, survival and hope personified. The AWP is so much, but above all it is love.

I remembered….Michael was not only a soldier…. he was not just a man, a boy, a husband, a friend, a dreamer, a lover of math and learning. He was not just someone who wanted to become an ocean engineer, then maybe a nomad, then onto a father and who knows what else. He understood that life has many roles, and the biggest one he played after he died. He played the role of letting me know (and share with others) that LOVE heals everything…. A torn heart, a lost soul, a war-torn place.

And with that reminder I know that I am not only a widow, wife, Founder, daughter, girlfriend, hippie, learner, lover, lunatic, executive director, female, traveler, etc, etc. Those are labels that I do not hold onto or glue to stay in place.

I am at my core, someone that wants others to remember the power that they each hold when they can be vulnerable, compassionate, forgiving and loving……to themselves. Because that is the first place where any magic starts.

And with that simple (yet complex and kind of “free love” on many fronts) it happened….

The soul whispered. 

The calling happened.

The “Here’s what you’re going to do with the stories, life and learnings you’ve accumulated, struggled over, succeeded at and simply lived”

And so I venture out into it with my role at the AWP still here, but with this seed planted to what my heart is calling me to do, like it did with the AWP….

To do what I’ve always seemed to do.

To do what I’ve done on this blog for almost 9 years.

TO look within. To invite others to do it with me. And by doing so start the ripple effect our world so needs in seeing that there is light at the end, middle and beginning of any tunnel we are traveling through. 

To know that where we are is the perfect starting point.

To live wildly in the great unknown.

And I’m excited. And I feel alive.

And that’s al I could ask to feel in life.

So here goes 2016……

(you can learn about it all here).

 

10

The relationship you have with the world is just like any other relationship. Every now and again, even if it’s pissed you off for no good reason, you have to look it in the eyes and say: I love you.

10 years ago I married a man, who I met as a boy, who died as a hero.

As I’ve stated before, the day Michael was killed in Iraq wasn’t the toughest. I don’t define his life by his death.

But our wedding anniversary, now that was a tough one. Although I didn’t define his life by his death, I did define it by the love he showed me and countless others…and struggled in the first few years on how to handle this day.

In the past, I’ve done random acts of kindness which changed the “sails” in observing such an occasion, but I awoke at 6 am this morning thinking about what else I could do that honors such a love from such a soul in a way authentic to us both.

Giving a random stranger a bouquet of flowers or a gift card or a hug had worked in the past, but I wanted to kick it up a notch.

I wanted people to be reminded of how great they are, the same way that Michael had reminded me (before and after death).

He saw the best in me when I couldn’t and has been the inspiration behind some of the biggest leaps I’ve taken in life.

He showed me that anything was possible and that life is too short to forget that fact.

Reminiscing on his encouragement and love, I created these notes:

But not only that, I wanted to make sure that whoever I gave these notes too could give something to someone else to brighten their day….and if their is anything that I’ve learned it’s that a joy shared is a joy tripled….and I set the goal to know that their would be at least a 10 person trickle of happiness and love).

As they printed out, I stepped outside to see a dense fog and smiled….I knew that like my life since his passing, the fog would lift and today would be magical (and it did not disappoint).

I should have prefaced this with the fact that I also woke up with the nastiest cold known to man….I’m talking bad bad….so it took me a while to get out the door (and lots of Afrin and DayQuil), but I typed up a gameplay of locations and goals and set out

 

Locale # 1 Ross…

I love Ross. It’s super affordable, everyone that works there is so nice, and I never get weird glances for buying that $1 item that may or may not have a hole/be expired/explode 😉

I was warming up, had this shirt on…and was ready to remind people of their awesomeness!

I went up and asked to buy two gift cards. The girl, who looked like she may have the same cold, told me about how busy it was and pointed out the Christmas Decorated gift cards she thought I may like. When she handed them over with the receipt I pulled out my handy folder of notes, paperclipped the gift cards, asked her to give them to two families who she thought may need a little brightening, then presented her with a monetary donation for her good deeds 🙂

She didn’t know what to do! But said “Thank you!” and later went on to post this on Instagram under the hashtag (#swwr (someone who was reminded)). I read it when I got home and did a happy dance.

Next stop, Salvation Army. But in between the drive the good tunes were a flowing, like Michael had become the DJ….case in point:

#2- Now I love Ross….but do I LOVE Salvation Army. My whole wardrobe is from there and they basically know me by name!

They don’t do Gift Cards, so I just put 3 money cards together, found a great sweater for $3 and headed to checkout. I handed the lady one for herself and two others to give to the next two customers.

She was stunned. Like really, stunned….She called her manager over to see if it was ok and he said he’d never had it happen (which needs to change) and told her it was ok. She got the biggest smile on her face and just kept saying “bless you.”…..she was the one that blessed me!

Next stop (#3), another favorite, Alamo Drafthouse cinema.

 

I nice pink-haired dude who worked at the counter started chatting with me about “Star Wars” which led to me talking about “Creed” (which everyone should see) and then on to the disappointment that was “Mockingjay”. Finally I got to the part of asking to buy 3 gift cards, which I then asked if I could put him on a mission to distribute them out to those needed some extra cheer. Mission accepted and I gave him a little gift too for his work.

At this point the cold medicine is waring off, my eyes are getting glazed over, but love conquers all…..even evil colds!

What it didn’t conquer was my full bladder…..so the plans changed and I ended up in a nearby Marshall’s (Ross’ Big Brother). I’m fading fast but use my restroom break to spread some love (sorry, should have dried the counters but I was in a hurry to get out before anyone saw me).

Afterwards, I headed up to see a young girl asking if she could take a break (her shift ended at 1am) after she rung me up….score!

I asked how she was feeling, chit chatted, paid the amount then handed her this note with a little treat. Her reaction:

“What!!!???? What!!???” really loud and I just strolled out, kind of like this (minus Antonio), but with joy exploding in the background.

On the way through the parking lot I placed the notes on random cars and finally headed home to write this update before the anniversary ends.

 

The day ended with me knowing that I brightened a couple of people’s day, but from those few people that I interacted with, they brightened twice if not quadruple the amount of people….and that is what Michael’s life and love did.

Michael’s love is a light in my world, but from that love he has touched so many more others…and that is what I choose to remember today, and everyday.

Eviction

“Most people think happiness is about gaining something, but it’s not. It’s all about getting rid of the darkness you’ve accumulated.”

Darkness comes in many forms.

In the form of grief, depression, loss, regret…

but we forget about the other kind.

The kind of darkness that squats in our soul because our fear, insecurity, doubt and ego has invited it in.

–

So if happiness is that Sheriff that serves the eviction notice to darkness, it is our awareness of this happiness, that sees it out the door.

The issue so many face though, is recognizing the joy and love that “knocks” daily on the “doors” of these unnecessary guests that have over-stayed their welcome.

So listen….

Listen in that morning kiss from your lover.

Listen in the patter of dog paws on the hardwood floor.

Listen in the exchanged smiles with a stranger.

Listen in that sip of wine and bite of chocolate cake.

And in listening….bid farewell to the darkness within.

Back

5 months around the world.

Tears.

Bliss.

Shedding.

Finding.

Searching.

So much that I don’t feel I will ever be able to put into words.

So much I’m still absorbing….embracing.

I can say, that more than anything, this trip was not about the tropical locations or adventures (yes…they played a part)…but this trip was about a widow who lost her soul mate over 8 years ago, who had never wanted to date or love or feel connected in that way again…learning how to be a “we” again.

Learning:

How to trust.

How to rely.

How to let go.

How to have faith in the unknown.

And…

I was not disappointed.

I struggled and fought and sometimes climbed into my mental cave of a security blanket, but not before Luke pulled it over my head and made me face it. Face myself. Face the obstacles of learning how to live in love after the one I loved was taken suddenly and tragically.

When times got toughest I’d find a “Michael” or “Charlie” show up in the form of a grocery bagger, a bungee coordinator, or a dog on a trail. I’d be sent warmth and hope in the form of a swallow or a white butterfly or a child’s smile.

More than anything, I saw the parts of me that I so easily ignored in the comfort of my solitude.

The fearless widow now saw the fears that still crippled her.

The go-with-flow girl saw that she still wanted to control the uncontrollable.

The peaceful warrior saw that she still had battles within herself to hand an olive branch to.

And so, here I sit, not swarmed by the impermanence I had become so acclimated to, but on the chair in the office in the home we live in.

I’m changed and am changing, but am still playing catch up to figure out in just what and all the ways.

And with that, I am learning to love all the crooks, cracks, crannies, jewels, dust, glitter and glow of this further unveiled soul of mine.

And I’m alive….and now, very fully aware of what that truly means….fully aware of where life exists.

It’s Time

Taking in the wonder that is the Grand Canyon- Oct. ’14

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste it, to experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.”- Eleanor Roosevelt

 

It’s been well over 6 months since my last post.

Much has happened. I’ll highlight a few:

• I’ve risen in love with an amazing human, best friend, spirit, lover and overall partner in (good) crime (not that that makes logical sense….but you get me 😉 ).
• I began studying and practicing Peruvian Shamanism (and became a reiki practitioner).
• I’ve flown over 46,000 miles this year….and it’s nothing compared to what’s ahead!
• The AWP is rockin’ and rollin’ with features on Wall Street Journal, CNN, NPR and TODAY…this year alone!

So now that you’re kind of caught up, it leads me to what is coming…what has already begun…I am leaving to travel around the world for the next 5 months (to start)…

Austin -> Norway -> India -> Nepal -> Thailand -> Cambodia/Laos -> Indonesia -> New Zealand -> Australia -> Austin

To be more specific!

Destiny has been knocking at my door for some time, and this year I made the decision to answer…and oh what a glorious welcome she has given me.

I’ve been lucky enough to do a “once-in-a-lifetime-once-a-year” trip every year since Michael’s death… but after the next 5 months, I think I’ll be set for a while, allowing me more time to grow and expand my horizons and future (for myself, my passions and with the man destiny hooked me up with out of nowhere….well played, destiny…well played…).

I’ve been blogging a bit on the site where we will be sharing our stories, photos and revelations.

You can find it here.

 

My eyes are ready to be opened a bit wider.

My feet are ready to walk a bit farther.

My hands are ready to reach a little bit further.

My heart is ready to grow a bit larger.

My horizon is ready to become a bit broader…

 

It’s time.

 

I’ll see you along the way….

Decide

Today marks 7 years since Michael was killed in Iraq.

It could be thought of as a day of sorrow, but for me, today is a celebration of decisions.

Decisions that dictated a life that I’m blessed to have been a part of for 6 years.

 

You see, it’s hard to mourn on a day that is a true reflection of how we should live our lives.

Michael decided many things….

Things that some fear to try, commit to, or experience.

 

He decided to lead.

To serve.

To love fiercely.

To always say what he felt.

To teach.

To care.

To live each day like it was his last.

To sacrifice.

 

He decided.

 

These decisions are not ones that I can look back on with sadness….these are decisions that 7 years ago put me on a path that led me to decisions that have dictated/will dictate the life I decided to take back….just when I thought all had been taken from me.

Through his example and remembering the core of one’s soul path, Michael has allowed me to fearlessly make decisions that I know I will never regret.

Whether those decisions will affect 22 (or 100) years of the life I may live.

 

So if there is anything I can ask of y’all on a day like today, it is to decide.

Decide to live life.

To learn.

To love.

To forgive.

To be challenged.

To embrace the unknown.

 

For me, my wardrobe choice for today is my decision:

And I have a feeling that Michael couldn’t be happier.

Strut

 

It’s been said that once we have found the true path, destiny unfolds before us like a red carpet.

 

I’m a believer of that and the fact that much of destiny (if not all) is determined on our ability to self-propel ourselves into it.

 

Sometimes we don’t notice our forward trajectory and the red carpet unfolds at a slow speed, that years later is finally apparent to the naked eye and soul. And it shows us that not only has destiny rolled out the carpet, but shows us that we have walked across it.

 

But as I’ve most recently learned, sometimes, after many years of becoming mindful of who and what we are made of, we become aware of destiny when it shows its bare self, and decide to throw ourselves into it head first…no looking back…and just like that, at the speed of lightning, that red carpet is not only rolled out, but ready for you to strut yourself down.

 

Of course, on any red carpet, you’ll find a step and repeat. Those moments where you’re made to pause, see the light, gather yourself…but what’s most important is that you keep walking…because lord knows you can’t keep destiny waiting!

 

Popped

There are many things I’m certain of in and of myself:

I am strong.

I am resilient.

I am confident.

I am driven.

I am passionate.

I am a rebel.

I am a lover.

I am a giver.

I am a life embracer.

But I must be honest.

Last year, I found myself challenged.

Now, I must preface that with that fact that I live for challenges. I thrive off of them.

And yet, when I found myself challenged in a way I could have never predicted…expected…I realized that in the midst of being and living all of the truths earlier mentioned, that there was still a part within myself that I had stayed disconnected from.

It was not some bear simply hibernating, that I speak of….something that I expected to at some point unveil itself…

I’m talking bigfoot!

A part of me that I’ve never embraced, acknowledged, lived…simply because I had convinced myself it didn’t exist.

A part of me that I have no control over.

A part of me that left me with two choices…

Reconnect or stay in control of my little bubble.

It all took me back to a favorite saying, “Everything you want is on the other side of fear.”

I think my soul saw something before my mind could grasp it….and luckily, I made the choice to not ignore it…to reconnect….to plug back in…all of me.

I’d recommend it to all…

Pop the little bubble you may have unconsciously placed yourself in.

Though you can see though it.

Though you can still go places….

Until you do, there will still be a part of you encased in something that is too small to hold all of you and all you have to give.

Lost

I was having a farewell dinner this evening with a friend…which usually equates to sharing our thoughts on life and all that it teaches/has taught us thus far.

At one point during our conversation, he looked at me and said, “Taryn, there was a quote from a book that changed my life. I want to share it and I want you to absorb it.”

Intense!

That was the word floating into my head with such a preface!

“Ok.” I responded, taking an exaggerated inhale as some sort of sign to show him I was prepared.

He opened his mouth and the words poured out:

“All that is not given is lost.”

I repeated it aloud. I repeated it again.

I sat silently and dissected it in every which way.

It hit me. I dare not say in which way, as I think it’s a line that will bring to the surface the things deep within ourselves that we may have lost….which will be different for each of us.

The things we have failed to give.

 

I know since Michael’s death, there is much that I have given and much that I have received.

I also know that there have been parts of me that I have held so close that had/if I did/do not let go, I would never know all the true beauty still awaiting me.

I want to give.

Every aspect of every ounce of every part of myself.

I refuse to die with any lost part of my being.

I’ve lost too much to lose anymore by my own hand.

I want to give it my all in giving my all.

I owe it to myself.

200

They will tell you; you can stack misery, you can pack, disappear, you can even wear your sorrow — but come tomorrow you must change your clothes. Everyone knows pain. We are not meant to carry it forever. We were never meant to hold it so closely, so be certain in the belief that what pain belongs to now will belong soon to then.

For my 200th post, I wanted to share a video that is a reminder for all those (everyone), of what we need to remember in the moments our life and mind have a tendency of clinging to. To that which no longer serves us but has become a comfort zone. Something that acts of no use, but a reminder of what you used to be, and what we never want to return to.

 

I guess more than anything, I post it because 200 posts later, I can say that the pain belongs to the ‘then’.

 

It sometimes hurts to type the truth, especially when you were convinced it could never be possible.

 

200 posts later, I know that it is…and so is everything else.

Feel

Though I love to come her to share my thoughts, experiences and words, there are moments that I come across things that speak so poignantly that it must be given the space to spread to those who deserve to hear it.

 

This letter is one I found this evening that I know so many who have lost, struggled, hurt and suffered, should read.

 

Written by a stranger. But a human. Who has gone through who knows what in their lifetime.

 

May it impact you the way it has for me:

 

There will be days when the tears become waterfalls upon your cheeks Feelings cascading down your skin soaking you to the bone, to your soul.There will be nights when you are so overcome with the weight of being alive that you cannot sleep. You turn and toss in the sea of bed sheets. There will be years when the emotions you held in for so long, for too long, breakthrough in waves and currents that you have not yet learned to swim in.

Breathe my love. It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to be emotional. It’s okay to sit with the feelings and try to understand them. It’s okay to let them hug your body for a while, till you are ready for them to let go. And if it takes longer than most to say goodbye that’s okay. You feel what you feel till you don’t feel it anymore. It takes time. You will not drown in the ocean of emotion. You will float on your back and feel it all, every ripple, every wave as the sun leans in to kiss away your tears.

For every person that told you, “you’re too emotional” I stand before you with arms open wide and say it’s okay love, it’s okay to be emotional.

I love you,

Dele

2013

“Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties,” – Helen Keller

 

Well, 2013, we’ve had our moments.

 

Good.

 

Bad.

 

Awesome.

 

Terrifying.

 

Everything in between.

 

But you have not conquered me, and for that I am forever grateful and with a reflective heart, shall share some of my favorite moments, because focusing on the shitty is just kind of faux pas and SO last year!

 

 

So with no further ado….

 

• Going to India- It’s truly has been my favorite stop in my travels. It touched some part of me deep down in my being. Its people. Their smiles. Their spirituality. Their gratitude for life. It was utterly amazing. With some of my highlights being: “working” at the orphanage, the Shreya’s crew and guests and driving around the madness of Bangalore. Thank you for allowing me to visit you. We’ll meet again.
• Yoga Practice- It’s only natural that it follows India, as it was in India that I was taught their traditional hatha yoga, that I practiced for 3-5 hours a day. Once returning home, I’ve so gratefully been able to carry on my practice nearly every day of the week. Namaste!
• The AWP- We had our first gala. Launched WidowU. Held over 18 events! Connected with around 1,500 military widows! Created an amazing team. It’s my passion and purpose. Most importantly, all of the amazing fellow military widows I have the honor of taking the journey with! They inspire me beyond words. I’m so grateful to be a part of it.
• My family- We had some big health scares and I’m just grateful for initiatives and steps taken to ensuring more time with those I love the most. I’m also so glad to having a talking niece! They’re a bit more fun when they can talk!
• Friends- For those that have been in for the long-haul, those that I’ve reconnected to, and those that have recently entered. I’m grateful for meaningful conversations, drive-in theater dates, food explorations and guidance. Thank y’all!
• Officiating my first wedding- I was honored to be asked to officiate for a dear friend and her amazing (now) husband! I could have never thought to have been asked, but so grateful to be a part of such an amazing love story.
• Hawaii and Mexico- Any time on the beach and with those you love is amazing. Add in dolphins, snorkeling, margaritas and sunsets…pretty darn awesome!
• New York- I’ve been there a bit this year, but all for amazing things! Surprising AWP fans at a school, meetings for AWP partnerships and awards.  It’s been great to us all!
• Music- Whether it be in the form of ACL Festival, Karaoke, Pandora, SXSW or my LP collection. It lubricates the heart and soul. I don’t think you can ever use the word lubricate without it sounding a bit inappropriate. Forgive me.
• Spiritual Awareness I had already started a path of awareness in the past couple of years, but in ’13 I loved taking my modern Buddhism course, teaching meditation to other widows, learning about and utilizing Reiki, crystals, essential oils, making malas and getting acupuncture! I’ll leave out the millions of books and notes I have…but they’ve been a part of the journey, too!
• Happiness- It was somewhat of a “Bigfoot” for a while. Some mysterious and ever fleeting object that seemed more myth than reality. But it’s real and pretty awesome to be immersed in.  Even more than that…it’s a choice. I’m glad I chose to have it become a huge part of 2013.
• Michael- Ok, he’s got to make any list of mine! I was able to connect with him in ways I never knew possible, and lets just say that we could have filmed “Ghost 2” with the interactions we’ve had 🙂 I feel more than ever that he such a guide and part of every step, decision and interaction. Love you, baby!
• Everything Else- Conversations, Maximus and Brutus, Queen Latifah, AWP Supporters, Getting rid of cable, A new AWP Logo and SO MUCH MORE!!!

 

There you have it.

Pretty good roster! And I have no doubt, a primer for all that 2014 holds!

AS my motto goes:

Let’s do this shit!

7 & 8

If there is any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not deter or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again.

~ William Penn

12.23.12

On December 23, 2005, he said I was the kindest person he knew.

A year and a half later I never had the chance to tell him that it was he that was the kindest. It was he that chose me for some odd reason and showed me what true kindness was. It was he that I prayed to god every night to keep alive over me. It was he whose life echoed and echos on through those I had no clue his kindness had touched.

Now, 7 years later, I woke up on the sofa. It was a hard night to try sleep in my bed. I awoke knowing that I could take this day that was the moment that solidified our eternal love, and for once, not make it a day that was harder than any other. This day was going to be the day I wanted to live up to the vows he wrote to me. Today was going to be a day that I echoed his life, even more, to strangers who would never know his name or sacrifice.

My best friends sent me flowers and survival kits full of tissues and chocolate, but I knew there was much more to be done.

I jumped in my car and headed to Wal-Mart. I purchased the needed items. Heavy duty sticky notes, “Hello, My Name Is” labels, Ferrero Rocher chocolates and 4 gift cards.

“$25 on each please.” I asked the cashier.

“And I need you to do something for me. Keep one and give the next 3 to the next 3 people to check out.”

“Are you sure?” she asked hesitantly.

“Yes.”

“Well, Merry Christmas!” she replied.

I walked out as I heard her tell and hand the first gift card to the next to check out.

I exited with a smile.

I got into my car and started preparing the notes and labels for their mission for the day.

I drove off and stopped at the first ATM to leave one gift of kindness. Then off to a Redbox.

Then off to Starbucks where I ordered a drink and 3 more gift cards.

The lady was going to grab a bag for all three when I stuck a label on each and asked her to give one to the next 3 customers. She couldn’t believe it, and even gave me a free drink coupon. I looked in my mirror at the young man in the truck that would get the first one and I drove off.

All of this had taken place in 15 minutes and my heart swelled…and so did the tears in my eyes….this was the feeling I had when Michael read his vows…I was living them out loud 7 years later…but had just begun…

I headed to the nearest shopping center for a continuation. I stopped at another ATM to leave a message of hope before heading to Marshall’s to leave a message on the bathroom mirror and on a couple of cars before departing. I knew there was a nearby bus stop that would be my next location. I pulled over to see a single dad with his two kids, lovingly playing with them while sitting on the bench and smiling with pure love. I put together another bag of things to ensure their day and Christmas would be a better one, handed it to him as he looked at me in shock and uncertainty, and walked off to turn and see the kids smiling and waving to me. It was amazing.

As I drove off, I saw a group of world travelers, with a lack of means and two dogs, asking for any sort of help. I pulled over, gave them water, dog treats, and some funds to buy a couple more meals, shook their hands, shared some laughs and a photo and departed. Their spirit was amazing.

I drove to the next town where I left a couple other messages and goodies in random spots before heading to McDonalds and grabbing a snack wrap and the tab of the stranger in the car behind me.

Next was Half Price Bookstore, where I grabbed some 80s records, and while checking out, a gift card for the next person to check out. The kind-hearted cashier told me she would remember this for a very long time. I smiled and exited and left another note on a random car.

I then headed to pick up our favorite food we used eat together…sushi…where I tipped 50% and while walking back to my car saw a young couple and their young children,  and left one more note for the end of the day on their mini-van.

These individuals weren’t any worse off, any less happy, and less loved than I. But they are individuals I feel forever grateful for. They were strangers that became saviors, friends, and  ones that I admired.

They let me give them what I have always felt in my heart I was given too much of. Even when I didn’t deserve it.

I don’t know what will happen. How may people I may have freaked out or may have made their day better. But for 24 hours, I have felt pretty damn good on a day that has always been hard to bear without the person that chose me 7 years ago to be his wife. A person that showed me a level of kindness that I can only try to live a quarter up to.

We danced on December 23, 2005 to Louis Armstrong’s “A Kiss to Build a Dream On”. One set of the lyrics stated:
“Give me a kiss to build a dream on
And my imagination will thrive upon that kiss
Ah sweetheart, I ask no more than this
A kiss to build a dream on..”

That kiss he gave me led and leads me to thrive, to live, to give, and to show kindness the way he did….or at least a fraction of the way he did. And for the first time in a long time (outside of my daily AWP mission), I felt it the way I did when kissing him, when knowing that all was possible, because I saw it in each person and stranger, and others that I don’t even know that were affected by the kindness he inspired me to show on the toughest, but most beautiful,  of days.

Happy Anniversary, baby. So in love with you. SO grateful for you. So eternally inspired by you in every way.

**Update**

 

12.23.13

Today marks 8.

8 years since the most remarkable man chose me to spend the rest of his life with….and he did…if only for a year and a half in flesh.

I prepped the night before…jotting down what great deeds I would do, not only in commemoration of this special day, but the people and universe that surround and house the spirit and love that we share.

I awoke, opened my eyes to the sun shining through the blinds and said aloud “Happy Anniversary, my love…let’s rock this!”

As I showered, Sam Cooke’s “What a Wonderful World” played and I my heart filled with the mission at hand.

The mission to share a fraction…an ounce..of the love…unconditional love…I had been shown during his time on earth.

This year was different, I wanted to spread kindness, but throw in bit of us…who we are…what we love.

I warmed up with a stop at Starbucks, buying giftcards for the two cars behind us and leaving a 300% tip to the warm smile that handed me the green tea latte.

I found joy in looking in the rear view mirror at the unsuspecting person that I hoped to share a bit of sunshine with.

Next, I stopped to get flowers, hoping that our favorite (tulips) would be available. We used them in my wedding bouquet and Michael loved surprising me with them on occasion.

With my heart open to whatever was available, I smiled to find red and white ones waiting.

I then googled “cemetery”. It led me to a small back-country haven, in which I headed to the back corners.

Once there, my heart led me to one headstone, cracked in half due to time’s grip. No longer bearing a name, all it shown was a poem that I have no doubt I was supposed to read:

This lovely bud so young and fair
Called hence by early doom
Just came to show how sweet a flower
In paradise could bloom.

I laid a bouquet of tulips, and offered it the attention I know a loved one past would have appreciated.

Next, I set forth to my favorite used bookstore.

At arrival, I headed to one of Micheal’s favorite book series “The Dark Tower” by Stephen King. I found the oldest edition of the first book of the series and inserted enough for its next reader to buy the whole set. As I placed its message, I remembered the moments in bed where Michael would read aloud to me. My heart swelled knowing that that memory may be passed on to another lucky soul who falls in love with a Stephen King reader.

I headed out, also ensuring that the next two book lovers left with their books on us.

As I left, I bought a mildly inappropriate Christmas card (the best ones, in my opinion) and found a man who looked as if he deserved a laugh and kind deed.

I hope it made him smile.

My next stop led me to a random car, where I placed another bouquet on the windshield.

As I was plotting my next route, I was honored enough to see the elderly couple return to their car, find the flowers, sit in their car seats and simply inhale the flower’s fragrance with a smile. It was one of the best moments.

Next, being a lover of the sweets 🙂 I placed many a treats on many a cars:

One of my last stops was at a place that embodied so much of what we love…FILMS!

My dear friends know just how many 12 hour film marathons I’ve attended, and Michael knows just how many sofas we imprinted while watching our favorite foreign films.

I wanted to make sure other people could enjoy such a blissful aspect of our intertwined passions, so I headed over to the Alamo Drafthouse to buy multiple gift cards for the next groups to arrive.

The gentleman preparing the gift cards responded with ” I thought all of humanity was lost…thank you.”

I thanked him.

He was giving me much more than I was giving monetarily.

I entered my car, with my list of acts of kindness completed in hand, and smiled with the same joy I felt as if Michael was by my side.

I ended the evening with a dear friend, at a favorite restaurant, sharing some of my favorite memories of my journey with Michael. She surprised me with dessert, and I was humbled to know the staff felt honored to share in the celebration, as well.

I conclude this remarkable day with gratitude.

Gratitude for the messages sent. Love shared.

Gratitude for those that let me show and give them something they undoubtedly deserved.

Something that I believe to be the greatest resource our society has.

A resource the kindest being I knew shared with me to their last ounce.

Love.

Happy Anniversary, baby.

Thank you all.

Built

“A song can take you back instantly to a moment, or a place, or even a person. No matter what else has changed in you or the world, that one song stays the same, just like that moment. Which is pretty amazing, when you actually think about it.”
-Sarah Dessen

This Monday will mark our 8 year wedding anniversary.

As I’ve said over the years, I’ve never defined Michael’s life by his death, so the anniversary of his death has never had the burn of the day that symbolizes him and our time together…

Our wedding day.

A day that symbolizes our love.

His love.

The unconditional love he showed myself and everyone else.

The pain and angst enveloped me at times, but one thing always takes me away from any sadness that wears on my soul:

Hearing our wedding song.

He let me choose it, and when the time came for our first dance, we swayed (mostly due to lack of dancing skills) back and forth, lost in the moment, tunnel vision only into each others eyes and the warm glow of our hearts melding even deeper into their eternal bond.

After his death, a year and a half later, the words of the song have guided me through dark moments. They’ve reminded me that everything that I’ve been able to do, survive and embrace, has been built upon his love…his kiss.

And I’ll keep on building.

Happy Anniversary, my love. SILWY

Give me a kiss to build a dream on
And my imagination will thrive upon that kiss
Ah sweetheart, I ask no more than this
A kiss to build a dream on

Ill-Equipped

It’s a funny thing.

The breaking of the shell that once encased a broken heart.

A shell that unveils a stronger, more resilient heart….person…life.

No longer protected by the bitterness and loathing of what occurred, you find yourself open and vulnerable to the elements of a life you’re ready to live.

With that comes some of life’s irritants; insecurity, doubt and apprehension.

Today, while sharing in these struggles of living fully, a dear friend stated something so poignant, moving and true.

She mentioned how someone told her how ill-equipped she was to be doing what she was, yet she was beyond successful and living a life by her terms. She didn’t meet the “prerequisites” of what usually must be done to reach that state of life, yet she was doing so at a level beyond most.

She told me that to ensure me that what I was doing and how I was living was more than enough.

She made me realize that I am ill-equipped for the norm. For the anticipated. For the path taken by most.

But it made me realize that I was equipped for the extraordinary. The unexpected. The path least taken.

With that comment, and my realization, I smile.

Smile as I stand bright-eyed and bushy-tailed towards all the elements that are bound to cross a soul wide-open to life’s experiences. A life that was never equipped for the anticipated. A life that proudly takes in the unknown.

And hell, I look forward to every second of it!

Faith

When he died, my faith died.

Faith in a god, life, living…

There was only one thing I wanted to believe, that he’d come back home.

When that didn’t come to fruition, it was believing that life would end shortly thereafter.

It didn’t.

Nothing changed.

It wouldn’t change until I started believing.

Believing that I could survive. That I should survive.

Believing that inhaling and exhaling, at some point, would be a natural process that I didn’t pay attention to, mostly because there were too many times I wished I would have stopped doing both.

Faith became a silly word I loathed using.

I’ve always thought that faith was a belief in something bigger than one’s self.

I forgot that for a while.

But when the turning moment came for me to believe that I could survive….thrive after losing him, so came the moment that I realized a truth.

That I still had faith in our love.

It was bigger than us both.

It still is.

And now, 6.5 years later, that faith has allowed me to know, believe and trust in those things.

With one of the most important being the angels that have guided my way.

Sometimes it was a child smiling at me in line after a night of crying. Other times I know it’s been Michael with the synchronicity that could not be explained. There are even moments when I realize I am one for myself.

Sometimes it just takes us believing.

And with the belief comes the faith.

And with the faith comes a world possibility, in one that once seemed impossible.

And with that, an unveiling of a world or people, things and moments that make once unfathomable seconds, now worth it.

Faith never died. It never will.

Believe me.

“Everyone has an Angel. A Guardian who watches over us. We can’t know what form they’ll take. One day, old man. Next day, little girl. But don’t let appearances fool you, they can be as fierce as any dragon. Yet they’re not here to fight our battles, but to whisper from our heart. Reminding that it’s us. Its everyone of us who holds power over the world we create. You can deny angels exist, Convince ourselves they can’t be real. But they show up anyway, at strange places and at strange times. They can speak through any character we can imagine. They’ll shout through demons if they have to. Daring us, challenging us to fight.”

Load

It was one day after the one year mark of losing him.

I was on a plane to Spain.

One backpack in tow. Two sets of clothes. Euros. Some photos. My feet.

225 miles to hike on unknown terrain that had no map, but seashells in the ground as markers or random arrows painted on tree trunks.

But before that  flight and the pilgrimage, came the preparation.

Let’s just say that I was not a hiker.

Let’s just say that going to REI was like walking into a baby nursery…I had no clue what the heck I was doing.

I improvised.

Used the knowledge of those that knew a bit more about backpacks, hiking boots and the best underwear to wash in a sink.

When packing, I tried to keep it to the minimum of all needed. Heck, I even was smart enough to not pack a warm jacket (said no one EVER).

From what I had read from past pilgrims, you’d end up with a lighter load by the time you’d reach Santiago (the destination).

It was the journey of a lifetime. A journey that kept me from any distractions (which had a way of being an escape from my harsh reality), and put me smack dab in a room with my thoughts and emotions as I hiked in silence 12 hours a day.

I had no preconceived notions on what the journey would consist of or do for my soul, and that ended up being my most valuable tool to carrying the load on my back and in my heart.

I came across those on the camino that came into it with different expectations.

They wanted to be healed. Cured.

They wanted it so bad that each hope for it all to disappear. was like throwing a rock into one’s pack.

It weighed them down.

Broke them down.

Until arriving to a place of anger and resentment for the journey that they expected to take their load off of them.

Never realizing that it was our duty to adjust our pack as nature and heart told us it was time or where to go.

The camino changed my life.

It changed my perspective on how to live in the now.

To know that everything you need will come at the right moment for your heart (not when your mind tells you it needs it).

By the end of my 20 days in Spain, the other pilgrims were correct.

I had less in my backpack.

I had dumped the unnecessary to see the true essentials, and without even realizing it,  done the same for my soul.

We’ll all take many journeys in our time and it’s our duty to create a load that we have unwavering faith that we can carry…because we can…we will…we just need not  anticipate what that load will bring us.

“It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it.”-Lena Horne

Go

 

I’m a pretty laid back cat.

Put me in a room with great music, a cold beer and I’m set.

But that’s all external. Those are creature comforts.

When it comes to the internal….

The decisions I make that will determine my life at that current moment.

I’ve learned that the one thing you can’t be is laid back.

You must be vigilant.

A gladiator for your heart and all that it truly needs.

 

When it comes to living the life you deserve you can’t go with the flow.

You must stand for what you need.

What you deserve.

Where you’re challenged.

Where you learn.

Where your uncomfortable.

Where you’re at home.

Stand for what is uniquely you.

 

When it comes to your life, don’t go with the flow.

Go where you grow.

 

End of story. Beginning of beautiful reality.

Solutions

I’ve recently been on the search for a new home.

It’s not a long distance from my current casa, but in an area I love and come alive in.

During many of the showings of the houses I’ve found enticing, I’ve been bombarded with one question over and over from my brokers (aka parents).

As we entered each place and I’d point out something I loved, they would rebuttal with….

“What does having that/living here solve that your current house doesn’t?”

Sometimes I would have an amazing answer, sometimes I didn’t, only that I just loved its feel and environment (an anaswer not always accepted by discerning parents…or heck….people in general).

After a few days of searching and that unwavering question from outside entities, I found a moment to sit, relax and reflect.

In that reflection on just what moving would solve, an amazing revelation occurred. Not only about the house…but in life in general.

It’s not always about the solution…sometimes it’s simply about the evolution.

I can’t tell you what or how certain things have been solutions for me, as much as they have helped me to evolve to a better, happier person.

Reason and answers sometimes need to take backseat for our heart’s knowing pull to something beyond where we are and what we have been.

An evolution.

One that may not be solving something, as much as it is key in growing something within.

There’s No Place Like Hope

 

 

I was spending my Friday evening perusing a used book store when my eye was caught by this very catchy title.

 

Being an avid “Wizard of Oz” fan, the switch of HOME with HOPE struck such a chord with me.

 

Home, for me, has never equated to a physical structure, but rather a place to fully be me.

 

To be immersed by all that I love.

 

To let me hair down.

 

Dance around naked.

 

Talk out loud.

 

Find myself.

 

Cry.

 

Laugh.

 

LIVE…

 

A breeding ground to create memories and share moments with those I care about.

 

A place of peace.

 

Unapologetic.

 

Quirky.

 

Me.

 

 

When thinking of all that I hope for, I saw that it literally embodied what “home” was/is.

 

Hope is nothing more than us trying to find our way back to all that we are when we find ourselves in a space/energy/place that embraces all that we are and all those that add color to our canvas….hope in disguise.

 

I have no freaking clue what that darn book is about that stirred this realization…But I sure as hell know that it made me realize that there really is nothing like hope.

 

Nothing like ‘home’.

 

Nothing like remembering where the yellow brick road leads to and what that homecoming means to one’s soul.

 

Sometimes we just need to click the heels of our hearts and mind together to remember where it is.

 

 

Invincible

You know that feeling….

You can do it all.

Conquer it all.

Get through it all.

You enter any situation or place almost as if you own the joint, simply because they’re by your side.

All is right.

All that isn’t, will soon be.

You’re safe.

All is sound.

You have the unquestionable and unshakeable knowledge that you are deeply loved.

For all that you are.

All that you’ll be.

Unconditionally.

 

 

Then loss occurs.

You have a feeling of self-doubt, instability and a fear to take one step forward.

It happens…

 

 

One of my favorite guided meditations to lead is the ‘feeling of love’ meditation, as I call it.

You go back to that place.

That safe place and power of a love someone showed you, which in turn bestowed you with a confidence and assurance that all will be well…even amazing.

Mid-way through the meditation, I ask them to release the image/place/feeling of that person, but to hold on to the energy.

It’s tough.

It can be painful.

But as they breathe through it. Inhaling the love. Exhaling the fear of being on a world without them here physically, a switch occurs.

 

 

It’s a meditation I personally guide myself through on days where I just need that extra oomph…. it’s that reminder that the invincible feeling I had with Michael wasn’t dependent solely on him, but created within myself when the perfect one for me showed me it was possible to find that love and power within.

I can still feel it.

Still walk in to a building like he’s by my side.

Feeling confident that it was in the action of someone loving me unconditionally that I was able to find within myself an unconditional love that knows no boundaries, or rules on when and how and where to come forth.

And I will rock.

And I will kick ass.

And will do it eyes wide open. Fearlessly.

To infinity and beyond 😉

 

Many

“Somehow she knew that you didn’t get many moments like this in your life: moments when you knew, without any doubt, that you were alive, when you felt the air in your lungs and the wet grass beneath your feet and the cotton on your skin; moments when you were completely in the present, when neither the past nor the future mattered. She tried to slow her breathing, hoping somehow to make this moment last forever.”
-Neil Gaiman

It was a day before he left.

My hands graced his chiseled jaw.

My eyes melted looking into his.

He asked what I was doing.

I responded with “Remembering this moment.”

 

 

It was under the sheets as the sun seeped through.

We’d lift them like a tent and stay in our “warmth bubble”.

Refusing to remember that time was clicking by.

In that moment, it was frozen.

 

 

It was his hand inching over to hold mine for the firs time.

In that truck on our way back from the zoo.

 

 

It was our last kiss.

Gate 14.

 

 

It’s waking up and stepping outside to smell the dew and feel the warmth of the sun on my back.

 

It’s walking down a path in India and soaking in each smell, sight and person.

 

It’s the knowledge that I get to meet the most amazing people and do what I love.

 

It’s cuddling with my dogs and hugging my family extra tight.

 

It’s now.

It was then.

It’s the moments.

The moments before tragedy struck.

The moments after.

Both stunning.

Both beautiful.

Both paving the way for those to still come.

Open

 

My life is much different from many of my loved ones.

 

I find myself traveling 1/3 of the year.

 

I happily sleep with two (furry) men each night I’m home.

 

No one gets on my back for the dishes sitting in the sink a bit too much or the dirty clothes on the floor.

 

I thoroughly enjoy my solitude (i.e. meditation, reading, playing fetch, watching clouds pass,etc.).

 

That’s just to name a few of my realities ( I guess not noting the obvious…I’m a 27-year-old widow…oops…add that!).

 

In the first few years after Michael’s death, many (ok…nearly all) were worried about me….

 

Worried about me being alone.

 

Worried if I’d drink too much.

 

Worried that I’d never come out of the deep hole that my grief and self had been thrown into.

 

Worried that I’d kill myself.

 

The “remedies” and “prescriptions” came flowing in from all those around.

 

Not out of ill will…more out of not knowing what else to do.

 

I remember looking into their eyes and seeing a pain for the life I was living. I saw their fear of ever having to imagine it ever being their fate one day.

 

I felt their pity.

 

I felt their gratitude (that it wasn’t them).

 

I felt their lack of control of changing what they could not.

 

But then, and now 6 years later, I have held onto something that my soul and heart know.

 

A knowledge that is as pure as my eternal love for Michael.

 

The knowledge (and now the power) of knowing that what others have seen as an empty life (after his death).

 

I have known to be an opening for me to find, persevere, rise, fall, and create my life after tragic death.

 

Empty is just another word for OPEN.

 

Open to life.

 

Open to fear.

 

Open to happiness.

 

Open to failure.

 

Open to all that has occurred.

 

Open to all that will occur.

 

Remember that. Find power in that. Feel peace in that.

 

So as I enter our home, 6 years later. Uncork a 91 point wine. Watch an amazing film. Feel gratitude for the day that has passed and the roof over my head. I live and feel the knowledge of knowing that one man’s empty, is another man’s sanctuary.

 

And my heart feels grateful. Content. Overflowing. Blessed. Strong.

Something

“In sorrow we must go, but not in despair. Behold! We are not bound for ever to the circles of the world, and beyond them is more than memory.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien

 

Something happened last weekend that awakened me.

 

It was an AWP Health and Fitness weekend.

 

We were ending the evening with reiki sessions.

 

I’d never done reiki, and since leading it, I hadn’t planned or set aside time to do so.

 

A window opened and one of the practitioners had come down, looking ready to depart, and I figured I’d ask if she had a free 20 minutes so I could at least try it.

 

She did.

 

She led me upstairs. I layed down. Closed my eyes. And just kind of waited.

 

I didn’t feel anything. My mind was wandering so I went to meditating.

 

I could hear her as she progressed from my head to my chest.

 

A slight touch.

 

Then she broke the silence.

 

I don’t know what occurred or what she truly is (being a skeptic on so much).

 

She heard him. She said things only he would know.

 

At first I kept my eyes closed thinking “This is reiki?!”

 

Then I went into “What does she know?!”

 

Then she continued to slam me with facts….court worthy facts that washed away any doubt.

 

Her hand shook on my arm.

 

She continued to spit out things that opened the well to my emotions like only Michael could do.

 

It was my Demi moment. He Swayzee-d her like she was Whoopi.

 

It was….. I don’t know. It was real.

 

20 minutes turned into over an hour.

 

She wasn’t a medium or clairvoyant, nor sought out.

 

It was something I’ll never forget. It was something that has reaffirmed all the crazy things so few believed. It was him.

 

All around.

 

Madly in love.

 

Guiding me.

 

And now I sound completely mad 😉 but honestly, I feel so drenched in love and assurance that I find it hard to stop smiling.

 

They’re here. Undoubtedly. All around. Listening. Lifting. Loving.

 

He hears me when I talk to him at night. He’s there with Charlie. He wants me to get up off my butt and outside more! He chose to spend his spirit-life as my guide. And we have lived many lifetimes together in the past and will again. Our love transcends time, plains, everything.

 

This I know.

 

 

Bucket List

 

“What else is on your bucket list?” the stranger asked me.

It was over a call in which I received the news that something Michael and I had planned to do, but never had the opportunity to, was coming to fruition.

I sat there. Thinking.

“What else is on my bucket?!”

If I were to refer to my list after Michael’s death and where my life is now, the answer was simple.

I had done nearly everything that we ever wanted to do together. Either while he was alive or after.

I found true love.

I found my passion.

I’ve been able to travel all over the world.

I’m able to get up and love what I do every day.

I have amazing family and friends that continue to push me to evolve and grow.

And now….I had the knowledge that one of the last activities we spoke about doing together was going to happen.

So as I sat there, contemplating my response,  it hit me, “I think that the one thing I had left on my bucket list, that I loathingly added in the very first months of Micheal’s death, was to actually want to live again….to not open my eyes each morning with apprehension…to not just feel the need to live for him, because he couldn’t, but to want to live for myself. That really was the biggest thing left on my ever-changing and expanding list…and I’ve done it. It’s checked off.”

Of course, I’d love to see and experience every thing this beautiful world has to offer, but at that moment, and at this moment, I have done more than I ever dreamed possible, loved more deeply than the deepest abyss, experienced more than I could have ever fathomed. There may be more in the future, for whatever length that is, but in the present, I can happily say that my original list has been (or will be by August), completed. My bucket list before his death.

And now, I’ve chosen to not create one for my life after his death. Not for fear of the unknown, but for bliss in the unknown…the unpredictable…the things that make life the amazing ride it has been. The bliss that has made every moment of everyday an unfolding bucket list I didn’t even know I wanted, but so happily check off.

India

That is why we need to travel. If we don’t offer ourselves to the unknown, our senses dull. Our world becomes small and we lose our sense of wonder. Our eyes don’t lift to the horizon; our ears don’t hear the sounds around us. The edge is off our experience, and we pass our days in a routine that is both comfortable and limiting. We wake up one day and find that we have lost our dreams in order to protect our days.

Don’t let yourself become one of these people. The fear of the unknown and the lure of the comfortable will conspire to keep you from taking the chances the traveler has to take. But if you take them, you will never regret your choice. To be sure, there will be moments of doubt when you stand alone on an empty road in an icy rain, or when you are ill with fever in a rented bed. But as the pains of the moment will come, so too they will fall away. In the end, you will be so much richer, so much stronger, so much clearer, so much happier, and so much better a person that all the risk and hardship will seem like nothing compared to the knowledge and wisdom you have gained.

-Kent Nerburn

I have returned from my “Once in a lifetime – Once a Year” trip.

With it being the 5 year anniversary of this tradition, I followed suit with the one I took 5 years ago (my pilgrimage across Spain on the Camino de Santiago), and ventured solo to India for a spiritual journey.

Last year I made the decision to go (which included breaking it upon my family by seeing if they noticed the Taj Mahal ornament on my tree), as everything had seemed to be pointing me to there.

On top of the signs, my deepening relationship with meditation, followed by my studies in Buddhism, I was ready to immerse myself in a world that could no less than enrich my heart and soul…

And that it did.

A shift took place.

Amidst the time at the local orphanage, the people, the letting go of control amongst the crazy streets of Bangalore, the hours of meditation chakra clearings and traditional yoga instructors, the amazing interactions and conversations from people all over the world that I have come to admire…a change took place.

The last night during dinner, I told my new-found soul friends that if a plane’s wings were to shift the tiniest bit it would change its whole course.

During my time in India, so many shifts took place within me. And ultimately, with the shifts, and the new course and direction that follows, will be a new destination….and undoubtedly, a better one than before I had arrived.

What I experienced was one of the most moving, inspiring and energetic places I’ve ever had the honor of placing my bare feet on the ground of.

And with that experience, the reaffirmation of the beauty in the unknown. The embracing of a thing called fear. The deep love for the uncomfortable. A change. A shift. A new direction. A more beautiful destination.

Moment

“Giving thanks for the moment is the only way to glimpse eternity.”

One moment.

When he walked through the front door and our eyes met.

When our lips first embraced.

When I said “I love you.” And he said it back.

When he slid the ring down my finger.

When he boarded the bus.

When he surprised me at the front door for the last two weeks we’d share together.

When we’d kiss for the last time.

When we’d share our last words and see each others faces over the computer screen.

When I heard his last “I’m so in love with you.”

When the explosives went off.

When he took his last breath.

When I got the call.

When I drove home to find out he wasn’t coming home.

The moments.

Theses are some of the moments that made up our physical time together. Our unity. Our love.

 

Talking to him in the darkness of our empty room.

Remembering the things he said and taught me while on earth.

Feeling his love and warmth, in my heart and soul, when the rest of the world felt cold.

Knowing that with each leap and fall, he’s there by my side.

Knowing that I am never alone.

That I will never suffer when I stay in the light of what is the now.

Feeling alive in the beauty all around.

Still telling him every night how in love I am with him.

Falling, again.

Getting up.

Finding my purpose and passion through his example of having found his.

Smiling.

Living an utterly beautiful and confusing, yet clear life.

The moments.

These are some of the moments that make up my life after his passing. Our unity. Our love.

 

The moments before and after that allow me a glimpse into the eternity. Of our love. Of our lives. Of his legacy.

The moments that make up life. The moments that I cherish and can never give enough thanks in sharing and in having with the best man I’ve ever known.

Never

Someone once said, “You never need to apologize for how you chose to survive.”…

6 years later, and I still couldn’t agree more.

I’ve been madly happy.

I’ve been madly sad.

I’ve been mad.

But above all else.

I’ve been.

That is enough.

That is amazing.

That is something that is the proudest of my accolades after being Michael’s wife and widow.

I have and will love.

I will prevail.

I will fall.

I will get up for the millionth time.

But I will never ever doubt or talk down on the decisions and life I have and do lead.

For it is all I know.

It is all I grow with.

It is all I will be flawed in.

It is all I will become.

It is.

I’ve been.

I am.

Me.

No apologies.

Break Up

“The relationship you have with the world is just like any other relationship. Every now and again, even if it’s pissed you off for no good reason, you have to look it in the eyes and say: I love you.” – Iain Thomas

I broke up with life in May of 2007.

For obvious reasons.

My soul mate was killed.

But as the days, months and years passed.

As the smiles grew from corner to corner, laughter escaped, inhaling was appreciated… we made up.

But then another loss. Another break up from the big L.

Then he wined and dined me and we made up. All past issues forgiven 😉

But the past 4 years, when May or December came around, I didn’t just end our longstanding nuptials with a break up, but insisted on at least giving life the cold shoulder.

They’re hard months with hard dates.

Not this year.

No.

Event though we’ve had are disagreements and what at times seemed like a total divorce, life and I have stuck it through.

‘But how? Life has done some pretty messed up things to you?!’

I know. It’s a question asked by many and many times by myself. Please, let me explain.

Life has its flaws. Undoubtedly. But so do I.

Life has sometimes made me question my very existence. But Life never Life never left my side as I figured it out for myself.

But enough about Life..I must admit my own discretions in our relationship.

I’ve hated Life with my very being. I’ve spit on it and told it to never come back. I threw its clothes to the curb. I’ve cursed it to all around me.

But through it all, Life consistently let me know that it was there for me. Life knew that it wasn’t perfect, and most importantly, Life never gave up on me when I had given up on it and myself.

Life understood what I needed to realize for myself….

That it wasn’t perfect, but it was something that many didn’t even have the honor of having in its presence. That it couldn’t give me everything, but if I were to reflect, I’d realize that it had and would give me more than I could have ever asked for or dreamed of.

This May (and after), I’ve made a pact with what I some thought to be a hellish relationship, to really opening my eyes to the utter beauty and unconditional love it has and will show me as long as I’m willing to embrace it.

Life is a gift/relationship denied by many (even by myself at times)….but no longer, hot stuff. I’m on to you and all that I blinded myself from seeing before.

I love you….and I’m so in love with you.

6

With May marking the 6th year of Micheal’s transition, I figured that I’d cover 6 things that I’ve learned or that still ring true. Some of it may seem monotonous, but it’s monotony that seals the cracks to the weak spots in our soul. More than any of the six things below, I want to acknowledge that each and every journey is unique. There is a shit ton more than the 6 things noted below that I’ve learned, but here  are just a few of mine, and mine alone:

1.) I’m still madly in love with the dead dude!:
I tried to run away from my pain after his sudden death. Tried convincing myself of things/falsehoods, that I thought may lessen the pain. They didn’t. The pain ate away at every ounce of what I thought was left of me before bringing back to the one truth and constant that was there all along. That our love is eternal. He is in every moment of my happiness and accomplishments, and gently nudging me as I trudge and trudged through the darkest of minutes, months and years. Being in love with someone not physically here has never for a moment equated to me living a less fulfilling, exciting, and amazing life…if anything, after seeing that I could withstand and overcome the grief (and what seemed like it’s deathly grip), I was able to feel the very essence of what his love did and does for me continuously. Who he was in his life, guides me after his death. I simply just love the ability to say that I had the privilege to be his wife, and find it an honor to call myself his widow.

2.) The only way I could start becoming me was by doing what I didn’t think I could do:

It started with breathing without him. Then it turned into smiling and laughing. Then onto trying new things. Creating new things. Growing. Acknowledging. Embracing. Living. I didn’t think it was possible. But with each new step. Each new leap. I remembered who I was before the loss and started creating a me I could fall in love with, again. The more you hesitate, the more the fear will grow in you that you shouldn’t or you can’t or you won’t. So just do it! Shedding the “what could or should have been” is the only way you can evolve.

3.) I hated that it got easier, but it did…it has:

As I started recognizing that I had more good days than bad. The moment that I switched from being able to count the number of days I didn’t cry in a year on one hand, to the number of days I cried on one hand, was scary. My grief and pain had become an extension of my life without Michael, but my mind and heart were ready to shed that layer that I felt I needed to hold onto in fear that it would be a shedding of my life with Michael. It wasn’t. It isn’t. All new things, all things that are worth reaching will face discomfort and our mind telling us not to march forward…but I did, and it was so worth it. It revealed a life that I didn’t think was possible to be a part of after he died.

4. )Some people just won’t ever get me:

People still try to tell me what I need or should do. Not as many, but they’re there. I’ve welcomed them with open arms, as I know that it is just them not understanding something that I didn’t understand until I was in the midst of it. Acknowledging with myself that I got to take the path my heart and soul yearn for, makes it a lot easier to hug and show love to those who feel that it’s necessary to share their opinions. As long as you know that they’re nothing more than opinions (something we all have a ton of), then it makes those somewhat awkward moments a breeze. And believe it or not, those people make you that much stronger!

5.) I like the me I have become:

I used to yearn to be the person I was when Michael was alive. I seemed so much happier. I was the person he knew before death made me into what i felt was a ghoul. But 6 years later, I don’t wish that I could go into the past as much as I wish he could be here to see who I am now. Grief can destroy you or strengthen you…or in my case, do a bit of both. But now I am strengthened more than destroyed. I have made an exerted effort to continuously surprise myself. To challenge myself. To make him proud where he is…and most importantly, to make myself proud, as I’m the person and soul I’m with the most.

6.) I never thought I’d still be here:

In all honesty, I didn’t think I’d live a month after Michael’s death. There was a part of me hoping that I could physically die of a broken heart. I even remember looking at those who had lived a year after their spouse’s death and thinking that they must not love them as much as I love Michael. Well, I was totally wrong.  I couldn’t die of a broken heart, but not physically. I could make the choice to die mentally and emotionally and do nothing more than be a shell of a being. I chose that for a while, but realized that I had to at least live for Michael until I could maybe one day choose to live for myself. It was when I did that, that I realized that those that had survived more than a month didn’t have less love, but had made the decision to do more than just exist. They were willing to take a path they had no clue in where it would take them. It was an amazing realization. It is a huge reason I am living, not merely existing, today.

“When you blame others, you give up your power to change.” ~Dr. Anthony Robins

Michael was blown up.

Blown up by a man in a field who waited for the perfect moment to detonate thousands of pounds of explosives underneath him.

And yet, with such a heinous and deliberate act, I have no doubt in my heart, that he died in peace. He died with no anger.

After I was notified, I found myself not angered by the stranger who pressed down on the detonator. Or the military. Or the men who were with him. Or really anyone here on earth.

As the days and months passed I saw what it was to be blamed for his death by others (yes, even in grief, and in Texas, I was blamed). But I never took it personally, knowing that it was there way of displacing the pain they didn’t know how to handle (I personally preferred to displace it on a bottle of wine….but we’re all different).

And it’s happened more since his death. Blame. Anger. Hatred. And in all honesty, I always took it because it never absorbed, and I know we all react in different ways.

But it wasn’t until 4 years after his death. 4 years of learning to live. 4 years to teach myself how to inhale and exhale in a world without him. 4 years to remember who I was before the loss and merge it with who I had become.

4 years till it hit me.

And in all places, an Indian sweat-lodge.

It hit me in the vulnerability of the heat, strangers and darkness, that I realized something that I never even knew existed.

Up until that evening, I had prided myself on never blaming. I was pretty good at taking the blame. But I always felt I took ownership for my actions. It seemed easy.

But it hit me.

I had been blaming someone for something since his death.

Blaming a god/higher being for Michael’s death.

It had been so easy to live a life free of blame when I had put it on someone I do not know and cannot see.

It hit my heart that night, and I had to say it. I had to verbalize something that I had been unconsciously hiding in my heart for so long.

I did.

And it changed my life.

It changed my life in allowing me to take away the blame and let be.

It allowed me to jump over the invisible stone wall that was still surrounding and cloaking every action and aspect of my life….without me even knowing it.

For it was after that moment. When I stepped out of the lodge, that found myself living a blame free life.

Blame free for me and towards any and all things.

A life that had patiently waited until the right moment to let me walk into the surprise party of awesome-ness that I didn’t even know I was invited to.

I’ve even stopped blaming myself for not recognizing it until that moment.

For it was then that I knew that the ability to embrace change and the changes to come, far outweighs the heavy weight of the blame we create in our hearts and minds.

Choose

“Confronting our feelings and giving them appropriate expression always takes strength, not weakness. It takes strength to acknowledge our anger, and sometimes more strength yet to curb the aggressive urges anger may bring and to channel them into nonviolent outlets. It takes strength to face our sadness and to grieve and to let our grief and our anger flow in tears when they need to. It
takes strength to talk about our feelings and to reach out for help and comfort when we need it.”
– Fred Rogers

While sitting with a dear widow friend I met in the very first few months of losing our loves, we reflected on where our lives have gone over the past 5 years.

 

The things we’ve worked through. The things we still struggle with. The things we’ve faced head on. The things we’re still fearful to deal with.

 

It was in these conversations that I realized all the demons I’ve faced and conquered. All the things and individuals I’ve forgiven…..including myself. All the things to come that I now look forward to growing from and through…not that I’ll let bring me down.

 

All of these actions and changes, though, were prefaced by one important choice.

 

The choice to finally stand up and look in the mirror. The choice to finally question why your life is and what it could be if you chose to overcome and not to be overcome by.

 

It didn’t happen overnight for me. It’s an ongoing, day-to-day choice.

 

But it’s a choice we all have.

 

It’s a choice I’d highly recommend.

 

Because in reality it’s not so much a choice…

 

It’s your life.

 

Push

Besides the obvious pain of losing my soul mate, I’ve done many things to challenge my mind and body to see all that I’m capable of and that is still possible after what seemed like the most debilitating of losses.

I’ve walked on fire over a 108 times, done Indian sweat-lodges, put a knitting needle through my hand, walked on glass and more.

Not because I’m a complete nut job (though I may be by many definitions), but because these (what seemed like) physical challenges opened my eyes, mind and heart too much more I had yet to unearth.

I’ve taken those teachings with me and benefited from the metaphorical message they each carried.

They changed me…In a dramatic and drastic way. They have become an integrated part of my daily life, but as I was just reminded, I forgot one pivotal aspect of their teachings.

Change is good. Discomfort is something to be embraced. Change is growth. Change and discomfort is a willingness to live.

But as I recollected just recently, many, if not majority of these teachings, were preceded by a distinct and terrifying pain.

A pain of the unknown. The pain of what could be. A pain of something my thoughts conjured up.

A pain that took place before an action had actually taken place.

A pain that can stop one’s persistence, if easily hindered. A pain that waits for moments of change and discomfort to hold you back from all that you can and could be.

But more than anything, a pain that beckons your heart to take the leap…make the decision…embrace the evolution…return to what you know in your heart is what is right for you.

I chose to take that first step onto the coals. To focus my attention on the moment in what seemed like unbearable environments…to push forward when all things said don’t push forward for one more inch…I didn’t choose to lose Michael, but at one moment I decided to live for him…and then for me.

But there is pain. There is discomfort. There is doubt.

But more than anything, there is the force that has no definition or specified word, that is waiting for you to push through. To find out that it’s not as painful as it looks, or as terrifying as your mind wants to trick you into thinking.

It’s waiting for you to take the next step into what will be the most amazing time of your life.

The only time of your life.

The now.

The time where pain takes backseat to positive change.

The only kind of change that we deserve out of such perils.

Souvenirs

“How can the future be molded
with hands full of baggage labeled
“What Was” and “What Could’ve Been?”
Where can you go with all that stuff,
and how much fun will you have with it
when you get there?
Leave those bags behind,
and hope they stay lost
before you get to your next destination.
All right, take a few souvenirs if you must,
but just nice stuff. No junk.”
-Michael Rawls

This is a year of actually loving the lost “bags” of what used to torment me. The bags of dreams unfulfilled, life loathed and seeking answers to the questions that had none.

I set them down a while back, but had those residual thoughts of going back and grabbing them.

“I’ll need them some time later!” “I forgot something inside one that I need to get back!” “Baggage needs company!”

And the list goes on to times where the ego tried to tell me that it would starve without the unchangeable circumstances and ‘could-have-beens’.

But not this time.

I took the souvenirs; the love, the memory of his smile and confidence in me, the parts of me that I have had from the beginning of time…

And I’ve left some room in my pocket for the wisdom and attributes  I’m curating to take along for the journey.

The journey to the fulfilling and amazing life of “What is”… “What will be”.

Leap

“When we learn what it is our soul needs to learn, the path presents itself.”

 

Over a year ago, I decided to take a new journey in my daily passion. To create something. For myself. For others.

I decided to start laying the frame-work of what could be. I started finding those that wanted to come, nails in hand, and create it with me.

I jumped in. Day by day, getting closer to this change, this growth.

Now it’s here. The dream, not just in sight, but in hand.

The funny thing, though, is that there were a million tiny and large changes…unexpected, unplanned, some unwelcome…that have made this new chapter a glorious one.

Maybe that’s life.

We set these goals, these visions, these ideals of what we hope and work towards.  Only  to realize that it’s the in-betweens, the surprises, the new friends and deeper instilled friendships, the introspection, the new-found traditions and the growth that are the real gift.

The bigger the leap, the bigger the return…just with big struggles, big transformations and big changes.

I learned that when I fell in love with Michael. When I married him. When I became his widow.

Since his death, I had just forgotten the feeling of taking the leap willingly. Taking in and absorbing the benefits of a courage you knew would pay off, no matter what obstacles came one’s way.

I remember now.

I remember and smile…looking forward to the next leap.

Grateful

The 20th Feast Menu, signed and hanging among my favorite things!

“Courtesies of a small and trivial character are the ones which strike deepest in the grateful and appreciating heart”- Henry Clay

 

This week was one that reminded me how blessed and grateful I am for the millions of tiny things that always come to a head and reveal that they were huge things.

For me, this week’s realization consisted of a movie theater, 20 feasts, Valentine’s Day and the fact that an action 5 years ago would change my life in so many ways. I don’t want to live knowing that others impact is acknowledged.

The letter is a bit lengthy, but I wanted to share what a wrote, but preface it with saying that the love and kindness shown to me at my 20th feast, left me in tears and utterly grateful for people who may be strangers but have made a lasting impact on my life forever. Thank you, Alamo Drafthouse Theatre…and Don, for telling me about them! (They even had the chef come out and presented me with a signed menu (see pic above)!).

Now, the letter:

Dear Alamo,

I’ve never been one too privy at making a long story short…but I’m going to do my best and ask that you forgive me if I completely fail. To start, this email is in regards to the “Before Sunrise” Valentine’s Day Feast. Now the story:

My husband and I have always been huge movie buffs. From foreign to horror to the utterly complicated. My husband was in the US Army and when he wasn’t training, there was nothing we enjoyed more on the weekends when he was home, than an amazing meal followed by some film that most people hadn’t heard of.

He deployed in October 2006 and would always surprise me with the “already released” films in Iraq that I hadn’t seen. Or my personal favorite, “The Complete Joaquin Phoenix Movie Collection” in languages I can’t even pronounce.

Movies were and have always been a huge part of our love story (we even had our first kiss while watching “American Beauty”).

That couldn’t have been solidified even more than after May 21, 2007. I came home to find two men there to notify me that Michael had been killed by explosives just an hour after we said “I’m so in love with you”, for what I never knew would have been the last time.

I died that night on the front porch.

I remember, days before his service, just lying around and watching one of his favorite movies over and over, as a way to just feel the way I did when he was alive, the way I did when we could lay there together.
For the sleepless months that followed, movies were the only way I could feel connected to anything or anyone. (I can’t tell you how many times I watched “Top Gun” just to see how Goose’s wife reacted…which is totally unrealistic in retrospect…but still, it helped 🙂 ).

Weeks later I went on to start filming a documentary with a friend in the film industry that knew my love for movies and had heard the memories of our dinner and movie nights. He told me I should look into going to the Alamo. He explained how it worked and how I could overcome two big obstacles since Michael’s death; Going to the movies and enjoying an amazing dinner solo.

I went online and saw that there was an Alfred Hitchcock’s ‘Birds’ feast. I purchased it and tried to talk myself out of it too many times to count. I even had a friend meet up with me before hand to give me that extra push the day of the feast. I sat near the front to “keep a seat” for Michael, and ended up having one of the best moments and nights since his death. I remember driving home and feeling my heart feel the same way it had before Michael died.

I was hooked! The feasts let me have a part of me and Michael that I thought had died forever, come back alive in the midst of amazing meals and wonderful films! To put it not so lightly, I became a Alamo Drafthouse Feast fanatic!

“Groundhog Day”, “La Dolce Vita”,“Lord of the Rings Trilogy Feast”, “The Dark Knight Rises”, “Casablanca” ,“Indiana Jones”, “Back to the Future”, “The Big Night”, “Chocolat”, and the list goes on to why I am writing today.

It’s been 5 years since my first feast and five and half since Michael passed away, but the reason I’m writing is that this Valentine’s Day feast will mark my 20th feast at the Alamo (I made sure and counted the 3 trilogy feasts as one a piece instead of 9 to make it a real landmark)!

So my request is simple, is there anyway y’all could have the menu signed by the Chef heading up this particular feast?

And lastly, and mainly a huge reason for the beyond lengthy email, I wanted to write and thank you all at the Alamo for giving me a place to feel my husband’s spirit, to feel the love we will eternally share, and for allowing me to see in a simple way, that there is still so much beauty and amazing life to experience after the worst of tragedies.

Thanks, guys!

Taryn
Proud Military Widow of Cpl Michael Davis

Must

I was recently watching a documentary profiling a individual who works specifically with those facing loss or the loss of a loved one.

 

It was poignant, gut-wrenching, and thought provoking.

 

I found myself reflecting on many of the ways I reacted to death before Michael’s passing, and most importantly, after.

 

How it affected me, my family, and the one’s I love so dearly.

 

How I reacted. How I questioned. How I let it affect every aspect of my life.

 

Some for the better. Some for the worse.

 

But out of all that he stated in the film, there was one subject that resonated with me more than anything.

 

He said to love anything to the fullest of our ability, we must recognize and love its end to the capacity.

 

As a child takes its first breath into the world, we must acknowledge and embrace and love that moment as much as we do in knowing that one day, that child will take its last breath.

 

To marry someone and vow our eternal love, we must know that one day that love will come to a physical end, yet we shall love and embrace it as much as the day we first said those two words that brought us together.

 

It’s the only way to live fully in the bountiful blessing we are given on this earth.

 

Love and life. We must admire their beginning, their gifts, their end, to be willing and able to live in its amazing glory every second of our lives.

 

How sweet a kiss would taste if we knew it were our last. And yet, if we had acknowledged from the very first kiss exchanged, that one day it may come to an end, how much more it would mean.

 

A simple concept. One we probably have already known in the core of our being, but something I I didn’t always, and must, acknowledge and must love with all of my being. But not only must, but want to embody. For all those I love.

Reminder

When the hands of time

evict the smile from the apartment building of your face.

When you get punched in the esophagus by a fist full of life

Remember

The human heart beats approximately 4,000 times per hour

And each pulse,

each throb

each palpitation is a trophy

engraved with the words

“You are still alive”

…So act like it

-Rudy Francisco

I’m sitting at a cafe, sipping pinot noir, feeling the 62 degree air whisper on my face and blow aside my hair.

A rose-bush is blooming, people are on first dates, others with their best friends, and some soaking in the sun beams that have decided to grace us with their presence.

I remember going to a cafe like this over 5 years ago, months after Michael’s death. I despised that other’s could laugh, love, and live with him not here.

But today is different. I am different. I allowed time to take its toll and place its blessing.

I can sit here and listen to the”trophy” that each beat of my heart gifts me with.

I can sit here and smile while acknowledging so.

I can sit here and be. And smile. And inhale all that surrounds me. And exhale with the happiness of being able to do so.

And I can say, I don’t have to act like I’m still alive…but embrace it as the glorious action it is.

Someone Else

“Sometimes you need to hang on to someone else’s hope, someone else’s peace and sanity while yours is under siege. Do it. Courage, hope, faith, sanity, peace… they all come and go. Borrow them from someone else’s supply until your own comes back in.”
— Linda Mundy

How did I make it this long?

How did I survive the most soul shattering event that could ever take place?

How was I able to get up and breathe, and then walk and then live, after Michael’s death?

These are all questions I’ve asked myself and find others asking me.

Time does make certain aspects of life more bearable, but to say I didn’t, at many times, loathe waking  up each morning, would make me a liar.

The truth is, that at the moment where I wanted to give up I remembered the man above. I remembered how much he loved life, how much he made everyone he met feel like they were special, how with three simple words from his mouth he had my heart forever.

But there I was, consumed in my own suffering, that I had forgotten the fact that all he would want would be the ability to live, and here I was, ready to give up on any sort of life or existence.

The truth is that I lived for Michael. I woke up. I got out of bed. I sought out others like me. I found my passion. I pursued it. I learned to laugh and smile once more. I did it for him, and in the midst of that action, awoke one day to the realization that I was now living for myself.

He gave me strength when no one else could, He rooted me on for each inhale and exhale. He never doubted my course. He inspired me and gave the world color when all seemed gray.

He did it all when he was alive. He did it all after he passed away.

He made me hold on. He lent me the core of his soul and the strength of his being for as long as I needed.

He saved my life…he save it by letting me see I could save my own.

Mistakes

“Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.”
-Dalai Lama XIV

This quote reminds me of a new year message I shared with my friends that I’m, in true Taryn fashion, sharing with you a bit belated.

Mistakes, losses, changes…all consistent attributes in any persons life, but I guess being the eternal optimist I am, I rarely remember, fixate, or find myself debilitated because of their ever coming and going presence.

In retrospect though, they’ve all led to another path in this labyrinth of a life that I’m ever grateful for.

So as another being so eloquently put into words, I too hope for many mistakes for you and me in 2013:

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re Doing Something.

So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever.”
-Neil Gaiman

 

Less

–

“The happier you are, the less you need.”
-Francesca Lia Block

I’m writing this in nothing but my underwear in a tent in a park while sipping on my ramen….

Ok….not really…but if I was, I know I’d make it work…

On New Year’s day I backed into my sister’s car. In the beginning, I would have been shattered….my material things were all I used to feel I had left after Michael died. Instead I couldn’t stop laughing and smiling and grasping how little all of it mattered!

Little by little over the past 5 years, I’ve been challenged with facing whether or not the physical or material actually would be the connection to memories and happiness.

Floods, wrecks, lost items, donated things, etc. etc….and the transition continues to happen daily.

The love and memories are no less.

My life and soul are just better.

And like the quote says, I guess that when that mixture of forced, realized, learned, and tortured comes together…you end up with the potion, the combination, that equates to something that seemed as foreign as a leprechaun riding a unicorn down a rainbow to reach its pot of gold….

You end up with the realization that you are happy.

December

“It never stops hurting, the big losses never do, it becomes a part of your bones. It rips you apart and leaves you to figure out what to do next. It becomes a part of who you are and runs through your life like thread, coloring everything you are and do. It has informed how I choose to live, what I do, how I love. You will ache and you will hurt but you will be feeling, remembering how much love there was and how much there still is; death can never touch that. You heal and the wound closes, becoming a scar to remind you how precious things are and how well you were loved…”

It’s quite insane.

5 years have passed since my love was taken but when the toughest month rolls around, even when equipped with an arsenal of optimism, friends and plans, there is a subtle nuance of loss present that unknowingly takes over my body.

I’m not sad or find myself crying, but I sleep in a bit longer, watch movies a bit more. Subtle differences that anytime of the year would seem out of place.

It’s almost like the the chill that’s left when you walk in from the cold. You’re warm and in a safe place, but still have a chill shake your whole being when taking off the coat and gloves.

It finds me. I stare down at the scar over my heart.

I breathe in and accept it.

The scar. The extra hot chocolates. The extra hours of sleep. The extra glass of wine. The extra tears that may creep in. The unknown. The welcome. The unwelcome. The part of me that I honorably hold eternally.

December.

Expect

“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting a bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian”-Dennis Wholely

 

I wish that I could say that in the past five years since Michael’s death that assumptions and questions of my current life have fallen to the wayside.

 

But unfortunately, I assumed incorrectly, which proves even further that I just need to stop assuming!

 

All that aside, though, it seems that more than usual, that I am being questioned by many people on how or why I choose to live my life the way that I choose, and again, I assumed that all would take my response and leave it at that.

 

Again, that has not been the case and I’ve found many challenging or questioning my path. Again, not to sound like a broken record, the assumption that all would except others individual path and individual terms would be the norm was a wrong by me…but in a way…the right by me.

 

This past week has reinforced more than ever that my ideals that we are all unique and all dealt with challenges we will face here and there, has made it a bit easier when those moments come….even when I have made the mistake in assuming that all others would feel the same.

 

We all have had different situations, different perceptions, and yet, through the misunderstanding or personal belief, I know that we always will be left with those that embrace without understanding, that love without question why, that acknowledge without judging.

 

Change

“I don’t know that love changes. People change. Circumstances change.”- Nicholas Sparks

December is always one of the toughest months of the year for me.

Wedding Anniversary, Christmas, my birthday…all within 4 days of each other.

And as I’ve mentioned before, I define Michael’s life by his love, not the day he died, so I find our anniversary tougher than the day he left this earth.

But this year I know will be better.

Not because I love him any less. Not because his absence is any less prominent. Not because the pain has fully dissapeared.

Because I have changed.

I see that I have the control. Not to change the circumstances of what has happened. But because I have changed in the sense that I am finally able to see that I change the circumstances of how I will react and evolve from these days.

I will undoubtedly be tired and have my mood swings, more than usual, but I have a feeling that December 2012 will be the best one since December 2007.

The love hasn’t changed…but grown…and finally I am allowing myself to grow with it.

Thanks

“Everyone has an Angel. A Guardian who watches over us. We can’t know what form they’ll take. One day, old man. Next day, little girl. But don’t let appearances fool you, they can be as fierce as any dragon. Yet they’re not here to fight our battles, but to whisper from our heart. Reminding that it’s us. It’s every one of us who holds power over the world we create. You can deny angels exist, Convince ourselves they can’t be real. But they show up anyway, at strange places and at strange times. They can speak through any character we can imagine. They’ll shout through demons if they have to. Daring us, challenging us to fight.” – Unknown

Life is a consistent flux.

But if there is anything I can say I’ve become aware of over the past 5 years, it’s the nuances, the individuals, the friends, the strangers….that have been the biggest blessing.

With Thanksgiving still on my heart, I wanted to take a minute to write about all the “angels” that have been a part of my life, most importantly, after my real life angel died.

Some have been around for longer than I can say, some for a few years, others a few months, and some for a very brief second…but each have been the reason I am here today, and for that I am eternally grateful.

They have shouted through the demons of grief, remorse, angst, and pain to help me see the silver lining in life after the most tragic of losses.

Most may not know the full extent of what they have done, nor have I probably ever expressed it at the level I should (since I’m not quite sure how to thank those that have given me the gift of laughter, smiles, and a shoulder to lean on), but I hope that what they have given me they receive back ten-fold in this life and their lives to come.

Thank you and thank you some more.

Invest

5 years…..

In 5 years I’ve gone from someone that felt I had nothing.

Felt that dying was a better choice then inhaling and exhaling over and over again.

Over time, life crept in. And in a way, I slowly started investing in the day ahead…the week ahead…the month ahead…

I didn’t see it as I was doing it, but in retrospect, I finally let the love between Michael and I be an action for life, instead of letting his death be a reason for doing nothing more than existing.

And like any investment….the stocks will rise and fall…there will be times you want to pull out because the future is to uncertain and your head starts telling you it won’t get better….but something in me told me to hold on….let his love stay…grow…show me what was possible for my own life.

5 years ago I took a risk….I took the risk to live…to invest the love he had left me with into an uncertain life….

There are certainly going to be moments in the future where I will doubt that decision….but I know the investment will always turn out in my favor…turn out to show me that his love…my love for myself and the life I had before…but more importantly the life I have NOW…is worth it…

He bought into me when he let me love him…I bought into him when he allowed me to love him…and I still love him…and I feel in my soul the eternal love we still share….and that investment was and is worth every second of every day….crashes…rises….recessions…and all….

Love is worth the investment….but even more…life is worth it….

Letting

Last night I lost the world, and gained the universe.”
― C. JoyBell C.

Letting go.

I always hated when people pronounced that I needed to do so…

And still kind of do 🙂

But as I sit here in a sea of cardboard boxes…2 months after the flood. 2 months away from all material things I’ve accumulated over the last 26 years.

It hit me.

As sifting through the million shirts of Michael and myself..the million little things that have no direct connection to him or I, but I held on to…it was than that I realized that I had to let go….

Not of him…not of our eternal love and how in love with him I still am….not of that damn smile that still gives me the warm fuzzies…

Letting go is letting go of the life I expected us to have…the one I unconsciously didn’t realize I was holding onto through some material things that don’t embody who and what we are….

Letting go is embracing the life we live now, on different plains, but still together.

Embracing the fact that moving his clothes out of my closet into one of his own (minus those warm sweaters i love to wear in the winter and that hell of a sexy uniform he filled out so well) isn’t letting go of him….that donating some items (okay….one shirt) that he wouldn’t give a fuck about will never take away from all that we always will be.

I’ve let go of the rock in my hands that consisted of all that was supposed to be…I let it go in order to embrace the life here in front of me…the life carrying so many gifts from him and from myself once I allowed myself to free up my hands to grab them…

So let go…it isn’t this horrible phrase consisting of forgetting those you love more than yourself…it allows you to love them even more and grasp the immense amount of love still out there.

Thank you, flood. Thank you, baby. It feels good to let go of all of the what could have been’s…and hug onto the what will be’s….my heart fills fuller and my eyes feel clearer…my mind feels free in knowing that the now is all I need.

Intertwined

“I close my eyes, thinking that there is nothing like an embrace after an absence, nothing like fitting my face into the curve of his shoulder and filling my lungs with the scent of him.”
― Jodi Picoult

It hits sometimes out of nowhere.

The pangs of separation. The hollow feeling that drains every ounce of energy as it reminds you of the absence and presence.

Life goes on cruise control and then the engine I call my soul is reminded that I didn’t get that “oil change”, that time allotted to just feel and not repress those random instances that have a way of making the whole journey feel as if there may be a bit of “air out of the tire”.

So where do I go to get a battery jump for the heart….iTunes movie trailers…I know…I’m demanding.

It was something I did all the time when Michael was alive (being the movie buffs we are)….and used to check new trailers each week.

It had been a while and I ended up watching this one.

Tears rolled down my face.

I always hoped all hopes that I’d see Michael again…it was something that kept me alive in the beginning and at random instances even now…and seeing this trailer made me think “what if we always knew…if we were certain we’d be connected life after life…pre-destined…some short, some long…ohhh….what that would mean!’

And it may be.

I have no eloquent words to say other than watch it…

It’s beautiful and terrifying and comforting…and basically, life in general….and maybe the future and past lives we’ve lived.

Ohhh…and I know in my heart of hearts we will be back together…destinies eternally intertwined.

Collapse

“.. my heart and my trust were in the process of collapsing. And that collapse created a vacuum in my chest. Like every nerve in my body was withering in, pulling away from my fingers and toes. Pulling back and disappearing.” -Jay Asher

I was wearing a top this week that allowed my tattoo to show. It’s large size and semi-difficult to read font equated to curious minds asking about what it said….the story behind it.

I shared the background on the saying and ring, but one other thing that the tattoo gave me…

After Michael was killed I felt as if anything and everything was going to be taken from me. Undoubtedly, impermanence is a part of life that we all will face, but at that time…2 months after he died…I began think, “Why should I show my family and friends love?”, “Why should I say ‘I love you’ to them?”, “Why should I invest anything into this life that was going to leave me suffering and miserable?”.

Those were just a few of the thoughts I had…and I let them mingle in my mind for too long.
Ultimately, having those closest to me suffer even more from not only my own suffering, but my lack of wanting to see any sort of silver lining.

But the tattoo…the tattoo was the thing that allowed me to feel as if I had some control again. No one could take it from me. No one could make it disappear. It was mine. It was my attempt at feeling somewhat grounded.

I’d like to say that getting it allowed me to finally take the leap in showing love to my family and friends, once more. It didn’t.

It didn’t until I made the decision to trust myself with life again. I had to prove to myself that it was worth living. It was worth loving. It was worth taking a leap and knowing that wherever I landed was where I was supposed to be.

It wasn’t an overnight process, but 5 years later it is a way of life.

I trust in me. I trust in the way. I trust in the impermanence that is our lives. And I trust that the love I show, and the suffering that may come from having that love, will never be a hindrance or obstacle I dodge.

I withered away. I pulled back. But it was I, that made the decision to get up from the collapse.

Trust in you. Suffer. But never let the suffering take you from what you know life is meant to be….

Love.

Blank

I had quite the awesome post written (I’m totally biased)…

WordPress had a new format and I had the finishing touch to it all…the cherry on top….a photo…to bring it all together.

Ooo…perfect….add…submit…

What the!?

Yep…everything disappeared.

One blink…one click…bam…

Now, I’d usually get a bit pissed that an hour of writing and curating the perfect photo…but if there is anything I’ve learned to embrace…and oddly love…is those moments.

They remind us of what was and will always be in our heart in minds…it keeps us on our toes each and every day…and most importantly…helps in handling those moments that pop up in the middle of a day, at the click of a button, when we least expect it.

 

“Would you like to know your future?

If your answer is yes, think again. Not knowing is the greatest life motivator.

So enjoy, endure, survive each moment as it comes to you in its proper sequence — a surprise.”
― Vera Nazarian

Simple

The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak. ~Hans Hofmann

 

I pulled into the driveway.

It was Friday evening. The junk food in hand and wine awaiting my lazy evening.

I step out of the car and see a puddle of water in front of the garage door.

‘Did it rain?’

‘No…’

I open the garage door and the water starts pouring out.

‘It’s probably the water heater in the garage. It must be.’

Then I see it pouring out the small cracks of the door leading into our home.

I exit the garage. Close the door.

Hold my breath for an instant and start walking towards the front door.

The sidewalk is soaked.

I was afraid to enter.

I looked through the glass panes and see it.

4 inches of water throughout.

I open the door. Set down the drive-thru food.

‘The computer cord’ flashes through my mind. I unplug it.

Michael’s combat boots by the front door. I grab them and set on higher ground.

I didn’t think about much more. The electricity and cords probably should have been a first thought…to conventional for my brain, I guess 🙂

Clothes are floating, carpet is rippling like waves in an ocean.

I put the dogs outside. Call the emergency water shut off and sit in my car.

Long story short…much was ruined. The whole hose has been boxed up. All of my laundry was sorted through by commercial dry cleaners and is who knows where (makes me regret the stacks of clothes unwashed ;D ). The walls drilled through. Floors ripped up. Photos and every memento taken down by strangers.

But I had what I needed:

My dogs. His combat boots (his flag was safe on a mantle).

With further rummaging…the letters he wrote me, his voicemails, and portraits of our Charlie.

It’s all I had. It’s all I needed.

And even if those didn’t make it, a calm draped over me that it would reminded me all will be okay.

The crazy thing is I never screamed, cried, became hysterical, etc.

It was as if the house was on fire and I grabbed the essentials and quickly became at peace with all I might have to part with.

As the water rushed through every inch of our house, enveloping everything in it’s grasp…In a way it enveloped me with the knowledge that the material was the material. What I needed was with me or already within me.

I’m unable to live there for another month, but as I lay her with my dogs, a picture of Michael and Charlie, and a bag of clothes that will more than suffice..I’m grateful.

It could have been so much worse. I could have lost so much more. I could have not been as ready as I was when the pipe broke.

It’s a new beginning for our home…and a new chapter in me simplifying my life with the essentials….high off the ground 😉

I’ve gained so much more than I lost.

For once I’ve realized the strength and fortitude I had no idea was within me.

My soul was tested unwillingly and passed with flying colors.

Free

Every now and then. Every once in a while she’ll get worked up and cry like that. But that’s OK. She’s letting her feelings out. The scary thing is not being able to do that. When your feelings build up and harden and die inside, then you’re in deep trouble.

 -Haruki Murakami

This past weekend I was honored enough to spend with a fellow widow full of so much courage.

A widow that could admit their fault, their weaknesses…and when the time prompted, face the head on to say you have no power over me.

I saw the tears she held back…and then I saw them leave her.

A cleansing of all that she had held in for so long, and they glimmered down her cheek with the freedom they had pleaded for, for so long inside her soul.

Watching it. Being a part of it. Allowed me to reflect on the things, pains, regrets, that wanted to be set free.

I let them go.

I hadn’t realized I’d been holding onto them.

In seeing the prisoners of her past pains be relinquished of their role of torturing her every step, I set them free.

Don’t let them harden your soul.

They weren’t meant to have a life sentence….

And neither were you.

Evolve

The 4 Fires we created the last night for the 108 aka the 108 times we walked across them for graduation.

Evolve.

We all hopefully do it.

Peel the layer off the onion to reveal the next.

It was hard and unthinkable to have any other “layers” after Michael’s death…but surely, 5 years later, I’ve evolved.

Grown.

Learned.

But the growth has been like watching a snail crossing a road:

It’s surely moving, but when you watch it continuously, it looks as slow as molasses…when you turn your glance and look back a time later, it seems as if it’s gone leaps and bounds.

This past week though…I saw the growth happen before my eyes…without taking my eyes off the whole time.

I went to become a Certified Firewalk Instructor for new things I have planned in the future for my passion and cause…but left having learned more about myself than I could have ever imagined.

It was a crash-course in the obstacles, faults, fears, and goals we all have in life.

It was like taking a sip of what I thought was water, to have my system shocked when I realized it was sprite.

I pushed myself (along with the help of a god-sent group of individuals all trying to attain the same goal or facilitating), mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Together we cried, cheered, were inspired by each others faith in the other, by each person’s perseverance when things got bad, by the ability to find a place in our mind that was pure, unscathed, and there to show us the truths within each of us.

There were moments of doubt and apprehension…but always a hand to reach out (Thank you Kathy). There were moments of realizations that we are not alone in are connections (Thank you, Del) and there were realizations that some people will test you to make sure your spirit and soul are reinforced in your being (Thank you, Robert).There were moments that I saw the utter goodness of strangers who want to do nothing more than help other’s achieve the goals set forth (Thank you, FIRE team).

Only one other moment since Michael’s death have I been so utterly sure that the things I learned would change my life forever.

I am now a certified Firewalk Instructor.

But more than that, I am a better person. A person that has much growing to do, but can finally see life with clear eyes and an open heart.

I didn’t want our time at F.I.R.E. to end and had a bit of hesitation in the outside world being able to fully comprehend all that took place…all that will run through my veins from this point on…and they may not…but I knew that for 4 days I learned amazing and extreme tools of enlightenment and empowerment, I met people who are more than people, but now family, and I have no doubt that I was where I was supposed to be…with Michael’s amazing spirit alongside me the whole time.

 

“Courageous risks are life-giving, they help you grow, make you brave, and better than you think you are.”

Challenged

“If you are facing a new challenge or being asked to do something that you have never done before don’t be afraid to step out. You have more capability than you think you do but you will never see it unless you place a demand on yourself for more.”
-Joyce Meyer

 

He challenged me.

 

I’m stubborn.

Hard Headed.

 

Yet he provoked me to think, to reflect, to never embrace the me I was…but the me I could be.

 

He showed me someone I loved. The me that is me.

 

Then he died.

 

Who would challenge me?

 

Who could see the me under the dirt and muck that I could only imagine being?

 

Who would never doubt me, but always make me question if and how I could handle/do things better?

 

Who would be there for me to have no other goal but to have them love me, and ultimately, make them proud of the person they had dedicated their life to?

 

Life was paused.

 

Over, in my eyes.

 

But under the thick blankets of pain and grief, one normal widow day, I challenged myself out of bed.

 

Then to breathe.

 

Then to see.

 

Then to live.

 

Now, 5 years later, I realize that it was never Michael that challenged me…but Michael that challenged me to see the me I am and always was.

 

So I venture out and challenge myself.

 

The coming weeks and months, more than ever.

 

To live, to succeed, to challenge others to see the them that was there all along.

 

He pulled back the curtain to a world I wasn’t ready to see until he was by my side…

 

A world that years later I’d have to refresh myself to..

 

A world that is challenging, but that I’m inspired to be challenged by.

 

He placed a demand on me to evolve.

 

I was scared to do it without him there.

 

Now I evolve and demand nothing less than to be afraid, scared, hesitant towards…

 

All things that I’ve learned equate to the life we deserve.

Proud

I was asked I question recently and figured I’d respond in a blog:

 

Hi Taryn,
Thank you for publishing this, it makes me feel that others are like me. One thing I want to ask you: why should I be proud of being a widow? I hate it when I am referred to as a widow! I just hate it! I don’t see why I should be proud. I would love it if I could say “I’m so-and-so’s wife”. Give me a reason to be proud of being a widow. Thanks again.

 

When Michael was first killed I remember sitting there thinking, ‘Does this mean I have to be a widow?!’.

 

Our society had put such a stigma on the word, that any chance in me feeling the need to embrace it was pretty slim.

 

I even had people telling me not to call myself that.

 

“Widow” was a title that had everything going against it in the sense of embracing it.

 

But I remember, one evening, in the first few months after his death, thinking of the pride I had when standing next to him and hearing him introduce me as his wife.

 

I felt unstoppable. I felt that the world was mine to conquer. I felt that with him by my side and the title of his wife…that all in the world was right.

 

It was in thinking of that feeling that I knew I had all reason in the world to feel the same as his widow.

 

That title represents his sacrifice.

 

That title represents my sacrifice.

 

And that title, due to the fact that I am still here to say I am the widow of Michael…represents my survival.

 

I know it is easier sad than done to embrace a word that for centuries has been shunned and put in a negative light, but when I think of that glowing feeling in my heart when I stood next to him as his wife, I quickly let the notions of others fall to the wayside as the same feeling sweeps over me as I introduce myself as his widow.

 

You earned this title with every ounce of love you share with them. You earned this title with every day you decided to get up and inhale and exhale after their passing. You earned this title for being an example for all those that will come after you and will be asking the same question on why they should embrace a word…and then they see how you have lived…and suddenly know why.

 

So be proud.

 

Being a widow is title worth sharing.

 

Old

Okay…okay…

I know I’m far from what our society considers “old”.

I’m 26…and was 21 when Michael was killed.

He was 22 when he died.

But I can’t help but despise each year that passes without him.

I remember when I surpassed him in age…and before I knew it had lived 2, 3, 4 years more then he had.

I look at the photos and see the new wrinkles and lines that he never saw.

I look at the photos and know that one day I will look far different than what I looked like when he was alive.

But as much as I despise old father time…and the wrinkles that come along with it…I love knowing I have them from the smiles I’ve been able to have since his passing…the “are you serious!?” faces I’ve made to those that were unaware of my situation…the squinting lines from all the moments I shed the layers of grief and loss from my being.

 

As Brandy Carlile sang her song “My Story”:

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I’ve been
And how I got to where I am

 

So I’ll embrace the lines….the story….the ability to create the crinkles that he never could…..and the stories I will continue to create with each new one.

Return

This week is like one in December.

One I’ve quite nicely entitled….Hell Week.

It basically consists of days that seem to consolidate lots of loss or the reminder of what once was, into a small period of time.

On May 21st, 2007, Michael was killed when a man in a field detonated 2,000 pounds of explosives directly underneath him.

On May 26th, 2011, our baby, Charlie, died after his battle with cancer.

On May 28th, I’ll be existing during Memorial Day…a day I live every day.

On June 1st, 2007, We had Michael’s memorial service.

On June 2nd, 2007, I spread his ashes.

On June 3rd, 2011, I thought of how much I despised living on earth without two things I loved more than myself.

Okay…that’s hell week and a half…I always sucked at math…but besides that…

These dates signify the most pivotal moments in my life.

They were the last day that they had that their last inhale….their last exhale…

These were the days were the last days I’d hear their voice or feel their wet tongue on my cheek…

These were the days that bred many ‘what ifs’…many ‘could I have done things differently’…and for each…5 years and 1 year later…I still struggle with both…

Some more than with others.

But with each I was given the gift I never will regret.

The gift to say the only things human vocabulary ever created for such beings as Charlie and Michael.

“I love you”…”I’m so in love with you.”…”I love you more than life itself.”

The pain is always there. Not to burst any bubbles. It’s a dormant ache that re-surfaces in the moments we reflect on that which we have lost.

But the ache is soothed by the love that withstands all things…even death.

Someone once said that where we invest our love is where we invest our life.

I’ve been given the greatest investment…to keep living for them..for myself.

I miss them more than I can even try to pretend to want to know. I ache for them at random moments to the point of unstoppable tears.

And yes…5 years later it is still a bit of a “Hell Week”…but I stop and I absorb, and I feel, and I release, and I feel their love.

And the investment always has the greatest return.

Perfect

Monday will be the big day….

5 Years.

5 years since I last heard his voice..saw his face…heard “I love you…and I’m so in love with you, baby.”

And in these 5 years I’ve learned just what it takes to be the “perfect” widow, and I’d like to share it with all of y’all:

1. You must be imperfect.
2. You must make mistakes.
3. You must persevere.
4. You must follow your heart.
5. You must do so knowing that many will tell you you shouldn’t.
6. You must ignore them.
7. You must find a reason to smile…
8. Not everyday…as that is not feasible…but more times then times you frown in a year will suffice.
9. Being a widow is a title you should be proud of..
10. Never forget that.
11. You are amazing.
12. Your spouses love will get you through the moments that you will sometimes feel are unbearable…
13. Keep you heart open to feeling it.
14. Life is short.
15. Love is eternal.
16. Repeat that to yourself each day.

And there you have it….ingredients to being the perfect widow.

It took me 5 years to realize and I’m sure I’ll become more “perfect” along the way…but this is all I have so far.

Ability

 

There’s a poignant quote from a book that I truly related to in the first days and months after my love’s death:

“My heart was chilled to ice. I felt ill with grief. But there was no time for frozen shock. Something in me did not want to give up on life, was unwilling to let go, wanted to fight the very end. Where that part of me got the heart, I don’t know.”

 

I didn’t know how I could still live…still breathe…without my other half on earth…by my side.

 

I turned on all things and people around me…believed in nothing….loathed my fear that deterred me from taking my own life.

 

But now I know.

 

Know how that part of me remembered I had the heart to keep living, to keep breathing…but most importantly, to keep growing, giving, and healing.

 

He did.

 

You see, Michael was not in the Army for his life career…only 3 years…as a way to feel challenged in life….to feel as if he was making a difference…to feel passion for something outside of himself and for those around him.

 

I never quite understood it. Understood the ability to be willing to risk one’s own life for another he barely knew. To pursue a career that no one around him could even fathom doing. And yet Michael followed his heart . Became whole. Helped his comrades grow…pursue their dreams….find purpose. The same purpose he was once looking for but had found…if only for a short period in time.

 

That’s how I had the heart to keep going.

 

He showed me…gave me the ability to say, that my love died doing what he loved, followed the path wholeheartedly, and had no fear when passion was the guiding light.

 

He gave me the ability to see that I could do the same…find that passion, pursue it, change my own life and hopefully those around me, and, when the moment comes….one day….one decade…one hundred years from now…and fate meets me face to face….those who know me will be able to say the same, as I’ve been able to say for my husband.

 

All because I realized not where I got the heart from…but was reminded that I had it all along.

Grasp

I just have to write it out.

This feeling.

This vibration running through my veins.

It may only last a little while. Who knows. I may wake in the morning and it be gone.

But right now…

As my fingers push each button down….racing to capture this moment in time.

It’s perfect.

It’s as if he’s sitting across the table from me, with his warm and kind smile greeting me, and his heart reminding me that ours beat as one, and Clair de lune plays in the background, and I know, as I stare at the empty chair in front of me…he is not there….but he is.

We are.

I am.

I know the song will end…I can not stop it.

But right now…I will let myself be enveloped by this reminder that even after the most tragic of circumstances…even when life proves that it will and can go on in the most beautiful of non-explanatory of patterns…I will feel it…

Feel as if I did when my lips met his.

Feel as if I did when he stood right next to me holding my hand.

Feel as if the world was ours to conquer.

And I’ll remember that it is.

And that he’s still holding my hand.

And even when his lips can meet mine no more….

I’ll be reminded of it’s feeling for eternity…

Empowered by it.

And the moment that sparked it all will fade,

and yet something in my heart reminds me that I can.

I will.

I must…

Live to feel it when it strikes me once more…at the most random time….and place….but always with the notion that it is he that causes it…he that allows me to find the beauty of life.

Camino

On May 22nd, 2008…One year and one day after losing Michael…I flew to Spain to walk the Camino de Santiago aka the Way of St. James.

I’d like to say I learned about it while reading some amazing literature or while speaking with a world explorer. But, no. I was on one of my widow couch and tv binges, sadly watching some made for tv movie with Joshua Jackson (Pacey). During the last scene, he pulls out some map, oddly finds the perfect walking stick, kisses his Spanish lover goodbye, calls his job in the US and quits, and the only thing with any guidance on me understanding remotely what the heck he was doing, was the map being titled “Camino de Santiago”.

That last scene struck something in me and I immediately GOOGLED it.

4 months later I’d be on that flight to Spain. 16 days, 225 miles, a backpack, one pair pf shoes, two sets of clothes (including the one on my back), a sheet set, and some money in hand

After researching it, I found out it had become somewhat of a “spiritual” journey for those who ventured out on its multiple terrains. You see, the camino is a pilgrimage that in the past was walked as a form of penance, but overtime had warped into what is today with today’s modern pilgrims. Its route is maarked through mountains, vineyards, barren desserts, by a scalloped shell…believed to represent the unique grooves that a shell has, all leading to one point, as a way of showing we all take different routes but arrive where we need to. The whole key though, through my readings, is that one must be willing to place faith in the walk to receive out of it what they need.

Faith? To say I was lacking in that area would be an understatement…but just like Michael joined the military to feel challenged…I felt I needed to do so, too, to survive.

Some people would literally take the camino with no money, food, or direction, but they’d always get just what they needed to make it another day closer to Santiago.

I knew the walk would not only be challenging physically, but mentally, more than anything. To be left with nothing but my thoughts and feelings to sift through (no phones, computers or mp3s in sight), every moment of the day, would be my biggest obstacle.

Day after day of the walk, I felt lighter and lighter (though the bag on my back felt heavier and heavier), as I started to just let go. Let go of my fears of the unknown on that path and in my life. Let go of the fear that I’d forget Michael if I didn’t have our material things nearby. Let go of this need to just basically need to know what the future held, as that very step I was taking would take me where I needed. Let go of the pain, as it was heavier than a bag full of rocks, and fogged my mind of my final destination…my goal at sight.

That walk changed my life.

It dictates all I do, in just reminding me that if I have faith in the journey, everything I need will come to me…not all at once or as obvious as a blinking sign, but in subtle nuances that push me enough to take one more step…to live one more day. It taught me to set expectations, but the right kind. It’s allowed me to have faith once more.

This week has been one where I’ve felt down and out on how others are doing certain things, that make me feel as if I have to change how things are done, simply so I won’t feel them on my coat tails…but alas, the way has shown itself in its elusive messages, I just had to be open enough to read, reminding me to just be me and keep walking my walk…

and I’m POSITIVE it will take me where I need to go.

“Buen Camino”, my friends.

“Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof.”-Kahlil Gibran

Arrival

May will mark the 1 year anniversary of my beloved Charlie’s death.

It still feels like I was just walking through the airport terminal getting the call from the oncologist. Yesterday, that he was fighting for his life and my soul and heart. Yesterday, that I laid with him at the fireplace and felt his last breath pass by my cheek.

Just like Michael, the gaping hole will never be filled where Charlie’s life and love still lay, but the past few months I’ve felt that it may be time to find Maximus a new friend, a new brother. Not only that, I felt that I was ready for the possibility for there to be another fur-monster in our family.

I looked online, found doggies that peaked my interest. I went to meet and greets and even had one dog spend the weekend with Maximus and I.

When he was here, I felt disheartened. He was a good dog, but my heart wasn’t in it, and Max seemed more depressed than ever.

I then headed to Paris, and while there saw all of this squatty, terrier type dogs and when I returned home, found myself on the same place I found Maximus…Craigslist.

There was still a fire in my heart that this was possible.

Then I saw him…this furry, white, westie with a smile.

I emailed, got a response, and 5 hours later was meeting him.

He jumped right into my lap and started kissing me.

I knew Charlie wouldn’t have killed him immediately and I knew that he’d keep Max on his paws. I knew he was right. My heart felt like it was smiling.

So it’s been 3 full days with my white stallion, that I can’t quite figure a name out for (that was always Michael’s job…or mine and then Michael’s to come up with a more sane one), and I’m glad I listened to the call my heart was making.

It’s bittersweet, in knowing that the Charlie, Michael, and Maximus family is growing, but more sweet than anything.

Opening up our hearts to anything…new experiences, new friends, new additions to our family…is always scary. But if we listen to, and allow the new things to not take place of or fill the gap…I think everything comes together…we realize that the heart still bears its scars and holes, but it can always stretch just a little bit more.

“A person’s world is only as big as their heart”
-Tanya A. Moore

Do It

“Let your mind start a journey thru a strange new world. Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before. Let your soul take you where you long to be…Close your eyes let your spirit start to soar, and you’ll live as you’ve never lived before.”-Erich Fromm

Tomorrow I share a part of my life known by few…and figured I’d follow it up by spending one of the holiday’s Michael claimed to hate (but always truly loved and went all out on), the way he’d want me to…all out…in Paris.

I vowed after his death to do a “Once in A Lifetime Trip” once a year,  but found that I had no time in 2011, so this year I’m making up for it by starting off 2012 in the city of love.

Life, living,  his love, love in general, keep on bursting at the seams of my being and I truly have no complaints.

As I was telling someone tonight, I’ve gotten and continue to get all that I’ve wanted from life…just not all at once….and I’ll take that any day.

This journey unwinds and the least I can do for it make the most of it, plus some…and so I shall…

Mine

“I would much rather have regrets about not doing what people said, than regretting not doing what my heart led me to and wondering what life had been like if I’d just been myself.”
-Brittany Renee

At this very moment…undoubtedly…like every moment since his death…I am following the map created every second by my heart.

It hasn’t been the easiest one…

The smoothest one.

Or the most scalable of paths.

But it has been the one, that for nearly 5 years, which has been the right one for me.

It’s been one that I’ve walked alone.

It’s been one that I’ve walked with many.

It’s been one that’s never led me astray…even though I was certain it had at many moments.

It’s been mine.

Not his.

Nor hers.

Nor yours..But mine.

And never….ever…have I been more proud, more excited, more certain…with each step…to keep walking.

143

 

143.

That is the number of blog posts I’ve written since he died.

In them, my shock, love, pain, perseverance, setbacks, growth, knowledge, and life have been encapsulated.

People have asked me how I’m able to write each week.

Sometimes I’m not sure.

Sometimes it’s been the only thing to keep me going.

And sometimes…like right now…I just don’t have anything to say.

It’s kind of like sitting in a silent room…you need it to just absorb…reflect. To take it all in.

So I’m taking in the things around one: the past four years of writing since his death. The comments and encouragement from others that my mind’s crazy ramblings are shared, and understood, and enough.

So today..post 143…I will end it with a thank you and a period and a smile.

 

“I meant to write about death, only life came breaking in as usual.”
-Virginia Woolf

Now

Michael loved Calvin and Hobbes:

A kid’s pretend friend that he asked lifes big and not-so-big questions to. An invisible tiger that always seemed to help guide him through his childhood.

Michael became that tiger to me when he died…he became the person I talked to for guidance…who I asked life’s questions to. But the response I knew would never come from him…it would have to be felt and heard by me and me alone. But still, I asked. I screamed and cried for reasoning to this tragedy before me.

As time has passed though, I’ve noticed that fewer and fewer of those questions on life, do I want, or even need an answer to. Just as a child grows up not needing a fictitious animal to guide their way.

In no way am I stating that I don’t still lean on my baby in the toughest of moments, but I’ve realized that the moments where I have been the most incapacitated by grief, are when I have been thinking about nothing but the future, the world in front of me without him by my side.

2012 is carrying a new constant that I know would make him happy, and I know brings a smile to my face. One I picked up along the in 2011.

A constant that freed me from the constraints of life that my pain and loss had me chained down with… had imprisoned me with its uncertainty.

The constant of living now…and nothing more.

I know the future will be what I make of it, but my present…my present was awaiting me to embrace it…and for more than just a second…I have done so.

Worth

It’s 2012.

I’m here in Tennessee with  group of widows and all feels right.

I woke up this morning and walked in the mountains. The fresh, cold air on my face. The sound of nothing but wind through pine needles. The necessity to do nothing but listen to the thoughts in my mind. To say nothing but my feelings to my heart and him.

I know that 2013 and 2014 and 2015 will come. I don’t know what each year will hold, or if I’ll even be in them, but I do know that living is the only answer to each day that passes…each month that passes…each year.

He is my reason for living, and through that reasoning, I have even found reason to live for myself.

He was always someone who I planned or would have died for, but when cards dealt something unexpectedly, I knew I had to live for him, and in doing so, I found not only a reason to live for myself, but for others like me.

I love that I have that knowledge…I love knowing what I am alive for…and what I know I would and will die for.

That knowledge, undoubtedly, will make 2012 and beyond a year and lifetime worth living.

2012

Holy smokes, Batman.

2000 freakin’ 12.

I don’t quite know how to simply describe 2011 or simply describe what I hope 2012 to be.

I feel I’ve excelled.

I feel I’ve failed.

I feel I’ve laughed more.

I feel I’ve been disappointed more.

I feel I’ve grown.

I feel I’ve shrunk.

I feel I’ve exceeded my expectations.

I feel like I haven’t done enough.

I feel…as I type this…I’m a bit of a split personality 😉

Or a person who hasn’t quite still found a steady balance in the crazy scale of life.

But I think there’s a part of me that knows deep down I liked the excitement of running side to side, just long enough to keep my balance…find that center, but not long enough to ever feel that all will always be as it is…more so a time to know that one side will sometimes lean more than the other and my center will never look the same as the last time I balanced it.

Balance.

Even typed out it looks so linear…so horizontal….so not me.

So….2012 will be awesome.

Crazy.

Not what I expect.

Not always what I will have envisioned.

And more than anything… a little off-balance.

I’m excited for it.

For life in 2012.

6

I took a shower for you. I know you’d be happy about that.

I couldn’t sleep all night. I struggled for my mind to grasp what this day was.

I awoke and cried. It still will never seem fair that we are not together in the form we first connected…in the form we were meant to share more years in.

I felt whole.

I felt empty.

I rode behind someone on a motorcycle like yours and smiled.

I played Louis Armstrong like we did on our wedding day.

I was grateful for the few who still stick with me. Who see a slither of the being I was when you were alive.

They filled our house with flowers.

I bought tulips.

I know they’re your favorite.

I look at my ring and know you fingers graced it.

I know you weren’t a dream.

I miss you.

I miss having not to tell myself that all we have is not some fable.

I miss having the one person who knew we were true.

Who knew me.

Who knew that I knew you.

I love you, husband.

I’m so in love with you.

I don’t think I’ll ever fathom that we we’re married 1.5 years on earth…4.5 years apart….

But I can fathom the moment we are reunited and it makes each passing second a gift.

Happy Anniversary, My love.

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.”
-Pablo Neruda

With You

“I like people with depth, I like people with emotion, I like people with a strong mind, an interesting mind, a twisted mind, and also someone that can make me smile.” – Abbey Lee Kershaw

I’m stubborn. I’m sarcastic. I say things like I see them. I bottle up my emotions. I’m a fireball.

He was laid back. He laughed at my sarcasm. He’d correct me when I was wrong. He made me express my emotions. He cooled me down when things got hot.

Michael was most definitely not the same as me. He was the opposite. He was perfect for someone like me; The person that has a filter issue but loves to be challenged, corrected, educated.

Michael made me grow. He makes me grow.

It’s not easy not having him here…The person that I didn’t need to explain things too, but the person that challenged me to challenge myself. My ways. My words. My life.

I keep that going. I motivate myself to remember that he made me want to be and be a better person.

I still am me. The person he fell in love with.

But still the person that makes mistakes. Says the wrong things. Sticks to my guns when everyone says let them go.

I’m the person that knows that I will grow. I will be me. I will become a better me.

I miss you, baby. The person I was with you.

But I know…no matter what, you will always be here. You will always stand by my side, but make me work, reflect, and remember that there’s room to improve.

And I will.

And I’ll smile knowing so.

Learn

 

It starts with words. Then numbers.

 

Your shoe laces.

 

Sentences.

 

Driving.

 

Kissing.

 

Love.

 

Death.

 

The things we learn in the earliest of ages can sometimes make us nostalgic. To have no worries but to learn what 1 + 2 equals. To clean your room. To use stick shift.

 

Then life happens and adds dimension and layers you could have never imagined. The warm, tingly feelings in the arms of someone you love. The heartache in battling your insecurities. This urge to surpass your limits to see just how far they’ll go.

 

Learning becomes intense. It becomes unbearable at times. It becomes an addiction that you can’t quite ever kick….no matter how much it screws you up at moments…long moments.

 

You learn that there is someone out there that loves you unconditionally. You learn what it feels like to be unstoppable.

 

You learn what it is to dream…to plan.

 

You learn what it feels like to have it all taken away.

 

You learn about loss in the most tragic of examples. From a teacher you cannot argue with.

 

You learn what it is like to want to give up.

 

You learn what it feels like to want to die.

 

You learn what it feels like for time to pass…slowly…too slow.

 

Then you learn what it is to survive.

 

What it is to really wake up.

 

You learn that you were wrong.

 

You learn that their love never left you.

 

You learn that you are strong.

 

You learn to live….again.

 

You learn.

 

And you learn.

 

And you go from loathing life to embracing it once more.

 

And you are unstoppable.

 

And you learn.

Weird

I’d be lying if I said I miss being weird…I still am and will always be.

But oh…how I miss being weird with him.

Not so much weird with him, but ourselves completely.

I impressed him with my Gallum impersonation. He impressed me with his Chewbacca roar.

He spent his lunch breaks watching Star Trek Next Generation, and loved that I collected stamps.

He smiled and always cared to hear about my collection of Ghostbuster and Beetlejuice figurines or the gopher skeletons I treasured.

I loved watching him read Stephen King every night or laughing over ‘Pet Cemetery’.

His nostrils could fit two fingers in it, and he loved showing me that talent…I never got sick of showing him how well I do the truffle shuffle.

He could hack computer systems and he always appreciated my poetry and paintings…no matter how peculiar.

There are so many things that I miss in our mutual weirdness, but as I continue on with these rooted aspects of my being I smile at the oddities that make up my daily life. I smile in knowing that he loved them with all his being. I smile knowing that all of me is always more than enough.

“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”

Deny

When loss strikes, we have a way of denying ourselves of things.

Whether it be the ability to smile since they can’t smile. The ability to see all the impact that they’re life left by focusing on the fact that they were taken so suddenly. The ability to celebrate life’s happenings, since they are not there to celebrate it with you. Our ability to look ourselves in the mirror and like who we now are, because we’re too focused on who we were before tragedy struck.

They’re just a few things that I did and denied myself of.

I think I had to…it was necessary.

It was in denying myself of the life that I still had before me that I realized that I still wanted to live it.

Piece by piece, day and month and year by year, I find I’m not putting back together what should have or could have been….but embracing what is.

A part of me died the day Michael died, and I dragged that corpse behind me, letting its weight wear me down. But not all of me died.

It was with that knowledge that life has become one I oddly and peculiarly enjoy.

One case in point: I’ve recently picked up training. At the gym…outside…on my floor.

I was in such great shape when Michael was alive. I had him to look good for. I had a me I loved I wanted to take care of.

I never fully let myself go, as I always wanted to represent Michael in semi-decent shape. But I never pushed myself past that. Why should I?

But now, now I don’t deny myself the ability to love me again. As I kind of like her. And I sweat. And I see myself changing physically and mentally. And I laugh that I ever denied myself of this. Yet I smile, as I now know just how much I’ll cherish that I got to the place I am now.

Someone once said that in denying our suffering we may never know our strength or our greatness. I couldn’t agree more, but it’s in recognizing the suffering and denial we place on ourselves that I truly believe makes the journey one we look back on with a smile…with the knowledge we made it through.

Tomorrow

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
-Lao Tzu

Veteran’s Day is tomorrow, and it comes every year with many people asking what I’ll be doing. How I’ll be honoring a day that my husband fought and died to be recognized as a part of.

I guess in a way these days (Veteran’s and Memorial Day) are not so much any different then yesterday or the day before, as they’re days that I daily am reminded of with Michael’s absence…with his uniforms that hang lifeless in the closet…with the flag displayed on the shelf. But it’s a day brought to the attention to those outside of my realm, and so a day that I am able to talk about him a bit more and know he’s being remembered.

So my answer for what I will do tomorrow is: Remember his strength and courage, Remember the love that was shown to him and that he showed others that gave him the ability to sacrifice his all in the name of sanctifying those attributes and the root of their being. I’ll reflect on how lucky I am that he chose me,  not only to love but to bear his legacy and what he stood for in the case he would never return. I’ll think of the men and women of the military that allowed him to flourish in his passion in life and allowed him the ability to die having found it. I’ll think of April 9th, 2007, the last time I kissed him in the airport. I’ll think of the many like me who shared that kiss they never thought would be there last. I’ll think about those that came before him and after him in serving our country. I’ll remember that in my darkest hours to tap into what he embodied. I’ll think of how proud I am of him and how I hope to make him proud, too…

I’ll think about what I think about each and every day.

Paradise

“I love that moment. When you’re on a long car ride, or listening to music, or reading. And you completely zone out. You forget your troubles, and everyone around you. You’re focused on that one thing, and that one thing only. You’re content, and everything seems peaceful.”- Unknown

I savor these moments.

After Michael was killed I had to remind myself when they were happening, but ironically knew right away when they were taking place. Almost as if my mind couldn’t believe that peace and a quiet smile was possible.

I savor these moments even more, even though they come around more often.

They’re no longer a shock to my system.

They are a gift I excitedly tear open to savor for whatever period of time that is.

Life is finite.

These moments are too.

But it doesn’t matter…

These moments are happening and it’s all I could ask for.

Waking up to my dog curling his tail and stretching. Watching the biography channel over a glass of wine. Listening to Coldplay echo in the background. Feeling the breeze as I take out the trash. Smiling with a dear friend. Laughing at the random moments of beauty and awkwardness that plague any widow.

That’s life…my life.

A quilt of moments…good..bad…unexpected…expected…

My own little odd paradise.

Clearing

 

Life’s pretty darn comical.

I get all I could ever dream of…then that gets taken from me.

Next, I get used to the grief and pain and in a way have it take the backseat to the life still before me…but then I’m slammed with something else that clouds the clearing my heart and mind had worked so hard on clearing.

A recycling of the good and bad…a recycling that fogged over the beauty still present in the midst of the uninvited madness that made its presence pretty darn known.

I was never good at juggling…or surprises.

Everyone’s been telling me to take me time, in hopes that a clearing can be made once more.

But it could be clouded over again…or it couldn’t….or maybe I was too preoccupied by the clouds that crept in to not look a bit further to see the clearing was still there….just a bit harder to see.

I think I’m going to have to go with the last theory.

It’s slowly getting brighter and brighter. I’m finally kind of enjoying the whole recycling thing, too…keeps me on my toes.

And I’d rather be on them than my knees…

Breeze

The beach air seeps into my skin. The clouds melt into my eyes. The breeze wisps past my heart.

I sit here on a deck by the ocean. I sit here and reflect. I sit here and absorb.

I’m here in Port Aransas for an AWP getaway. I’ve fallen ill. Not a cold, but something I fear to test, as I fear of how it could incapacitate me, how it could make me face life’s bumps without him.

So I sit here on the porch, red wine to my right, eternal ocean to my left.

Not being with my fellow widows, at a time that I have put my heart, life and love into leaves me to my own devices.

So I sit here and say out loud, to myself, what is aching to leave my lungs. A realization I’ve long known but never put into words.

The fact. The utter truth…that you never know the sacredness of a smile or laugh until you can’t hear or see the one you most love. Fear that your own will never return. A sacredness that decided to embrace me once more. Introduced me to a long, lost friend.

And the breeze passes by my cheek as I look into the now glittering lights of the hotels in the night’s horizon.

And I smile.

And with his love enveloping me…I laugh.

Immortal

I’ve been traveling a lot…all for good and great things, but it still takes its toll.

Luckily, I’ve noticed that it takes much more weight from life to throw me off-balance, as I try to find relief in the little things…mementos surrounding me, waiting for me to find peace and relief in what they hold.

This week it was in a quote from an in-flight film. It was some actor reciting lines that I felt embodied my baby…and helped shed light on the facts my heart already knew…the reasoning behind my love’s service and sacrifice.

It’s these things that help tip the scale a bit towards the center…helps me remember why my husband is the man he is and will immortally be…for I share his heart…the heart he so vulnerably and excitingly offered me to carry forever.

“All men fear death. It’s a natural fear that consumes us all. We fear death because we feel that we haven’t loved well enough or loved at all, which ultimately are one and the same. However, when you love a truly great woman, one that deserves the utmost respect in this world and one that makes you feel truly powerful, that fear of death completely disappears. Because when you are sharing your body and heart with a great woman the world fades away. You two are the only ones in the entire universe. You conquer what most lesser men have never conquered before, you have conquered a great woman’s heart, the most vulnerable thing she can offer to another. Death no longer lingers in the mind. Fear no longer clouds your heart. Only passion for living, and for loving, become your sole reality. This is no easy task for it takes insurmountable courage. But remember this, for that moment when you are making love with a woman of true greatness you will feel immortal.”-“Midnight In Paris”

Moments

They happen…sometimes more than I think I can handle.

Those moments where it feels like I’m in a well, with all the walls caving in on me.

The sad thing is I see it when I’m being lowered down….like the bucket on the rope.

I anticipate what will happen and still am lowered further and further down…feeling as if there is no one at the top to help pull me up.

I reach the bottom and know that my soul and spirit will collapse with the walls around me….

I look up once more, taking that last glance at the light that seems so far away.

I bow my head to come to terms with the unwanted fate I have found myself in.

I close my eyes to become acquainted with what will be my new scenery.

And then…when I’ve made peace with the dark…it happens…

Something hits my heart and my arm…

A rope..a bucket…a hope…

And as he pulls me up…my love…my eyes readjust to the light, the warmth, the life still before me.

The air is inhaled a bit deeper, my heart opened a bit wider, my willingness to keep going a bit stronger.

“The Buddha said that suffering was caused by desire, we’d learned, and that the cessation of desire meant the cessation of suffering. When you stopped wishing things wouldn’t fall apart, you’d stop suffering when they did.”

John Green

Proposed

You placed it onto my finger and our eyes met….making the agreement that from that point on our souls would be eternally connected….a searing of two hearts into one…no matter what lay ahead.

6 years ago you asked me the question that taught me that risk was a shorter word for following one’s heart. Nothing has been more clear or absolute. Nothing has made me more honored and more proud.

The ring is more than a ring. Our love is more than love. We are more than us.

I cleaned it today with my toothbrush and the cleaner from the jeweler your purchased it at, who still makes an effort to send a card or gift on the day one ring joined the other. I look into it and don’t see facets, colors or perfection…I see you.

I’ll never know how our souls found each other or why I was lucky enough to be chosen by you…but I will not question the gods too much…as it has and continues to elevate my heart, life and soul to a level only you can push it to.

Yes…yes…yes…

I will….I do…I am….

Happy Engagement Anniversary, my love.

All I Need

I’m holding on to you, holding on to me
Maybe it’s all we got but it’s all I need
You’re all I need

And if all we’ve got, is what no one can break,
I know I love you, if that’s all we can take…
-Mat Kearney

Needed

 

The past two weeks have been a whirlwind, and I’m kind of getting acclimated on the occasions where they happen…and in a way enjoying the mayhem it brings.

 

Last weekend was one of the best parts (minus dancing like it’s going out of style with Brooke). We held an Inner Peace getaway for the amazing AWP ladies. From yoga to sailing to long nights of talking….it helped center me back in a place that I had been swinging around on like an out of control pendulum.

 

Being around such a diverse group of ladies, with diverse love stories and diverse ways of dealing with loss just reminded me that all is well.

 

Being near the ocean, a place Michael so deeply loves, didn’t hurt either.

 

I felt him. I forgot at moments that he was dead, as I was living life as if he was right there with me, with his soft, close-mouthed, grin and warm green eyes looking down at me.

 

I feel him when I live life as he’s right there with me, and maybe it’s a reminder that he never has left.

 

I must believe that if a feeling that strong exists, just like my love for him, it will never wander or disappear, I just must remind myself that it is real and to use it to get me through the times I need it most….and that’s always 🙂

 

It’s there waiting for me to take hold of, embrace, and have eternally…just as I know he is waiting there, where the world begins, to do the same.

 

In love with you, baby…

 

 

But To

“He’d want you to keep on living.” “He’d want you to be happy.”

Oh, how those remarks we’re scalpels to my ears when Michael first died. But, they kept coming, mouth after mouth, stranger after family member.

“But to live is to do something he can no longer do?!”

“But to be happy is to make the world believe our love no longer runs through my veins?!”

I remember those being my silent responses heard only in my brain.

4 years later and I see that my thoughts were the complete opposite. Time wiped away the preconceived notions built up in my broken mind and heart.

I’m alive. I’m happy. I’ve learned. I’ve created my rules.

But to live is to do something he would do anything to do once more, and I shall fulfill that for him.

But to be happy is to show the world just how deeply our eternal love continues to run through my veins.

Potter

One of the things I started after Michael died was our “Date Night’s”.

It usually consists of a movie and a five course dinner with wine pairings throughout it.

It’s amazing. From “Birds” to all three “Lord of the Ring” to “Chocolat” I sit there with an empty sets next to me and savor every moment.

But, as I’ve embraced life once more, I’ve found time sailing faster and faster by. So when I saw that there was a Harry Potter Feast for the last part of “The Deathly Hollows” I didn’t blink an eye to buy the ticket.

As the film was winding down and the fourth course was being served a prominent sense of pure perfection and bliss took me over (equating to watery eyes at a very non-watery eye moment).

I sat there and soaked every second of this feeling in, reminding myself that it is always attainable, that it never left me, that there is so much beauty and love in different forms that take over your being to remind you why you’re alive.

I turned to the empty seat next to me and placed my hand on it as the credits started to roll in.

I smiled some more and knew that all was right in the world at that moment. He was there like he always is, never leaving my side, never letting me forget that I not only live for him but for me too.

Lord Voldemort: Why do you live?
Harry Potter: Because I have something worth living for.

Easy

To put it simply…every action, every breath, every second of my life after Michael’s death was one thing and one thing only…hard.

Okay, I should re-phrase….torture, painful, unbearable and hard to imagine surviving even a day.

But an amazing thing happened today…like most things, it’s something I’ve noticed in passing since becoming a widow, but after sitting on my sofa, enjoying a bowl of cereal, it hit me…

I have more easy than hard!

It took a simple action to see how easy it is in general to live my day-to-day life!

Yes, there are still some tragically painful moments, but I’m not always consumed by the hard…the stressful, the hurtful, the moments that leave me begging to join my love.

I like the easy that has creeped its way back to me…the simple…I never lost it, I think my heart just forgot how to handle it…but it’s happening…the easy is taking its rightful place back in my lungs and heart…

It’s easy to eternally love him…but now, it’s easy to do that in the midst of my life here on earth….and secretly…deep down..I know it may not be because the aspect of life has changed (or even that all is truly easy), but my strength has.

All

Maximus and I take walks at night.

I love looking up and feeling like I’m in a planetarium. For some reason, it’s also a moment I feel closest to Michael…and now Charlie.

A couple of nights ago, as we were headed down Haleys Way Drive, with the song of a neighbors chimes blowing in the wind, I felt the need to note an overwhelming realization that brushed through my hair with the passing wind, and a realization that also brushed through my heart.

I have it all.

Yes,the love of my life is not here physically, and his death tore me down like a bulldozer…but I got back up, and with that I saw and cherished everything else I still have before me.

In my lifetime and in my life now, I have the knowledge that I met my soul mate and found the truest of loves, I have found friends that will never leave my side and help me through the toughest of times, I have found my passion and am able to do it everyday, I have a roof over my head and adventure in my heart to exit it when the time strikes, I have our furbabies, who show me unconditional love, and I have my future…a privilege many have cut too short.

Simply put, I have all I could ask for, and I am not only content with it, I’m in love with it…and life proves it’s perseverance…and I prove my worth…and I smile…and my heart smiles with me.

“You can have it all. You just can’t have it all at once.”

 Oprah Winfrey

Friends

“What draws people to be friends is that they see the same truth. They share it. – C.S. Lewis

 

I wanted to take some time to just talk about my friends.

 

These past few months have been some of the most changing and challenging months since Michael was first killed. The difference though, is I now have a unwaivering support system.

 

Michael always urged me to go out and make good girlfriends, but with my best friend being him, I never clicked with anyone, and had no issues with that. Even those that I have known since childhood, I felt I had  more superficial level of a relationship with.

 

In the beginning, many people came in and out of my life. Besides my biological family, my husband’s ghost and our dogs were the only consistent thing I could fully rely on.

 

Through like circumstances (widowhood), I have met the most amazing people. People that I could share my weight of life with to lessen the load, people who listened…and actually cared and remembered. People, that even when I would expect them to, never have left my side.

 

Just like Michael, I don’t think I’ll ever feel totally worthy of having such souls in my life, but I shall not argue them being here 🙂

 

Thank you. Thank you.

 

You have added life, love, laughter, growth adventure, a shoulder to cry on, and camaraderie into my life once more.

 

I could ask for no better gift in my life.

Our Office

The past few weeks have been good.

I’ve been getting our AWP offices ready and love all that that consists of.

I’m in love with the space. I’m in love with the area. And I’m in love with the feelings and emotions that have come from making this step in life.

I feel, more than ever, back in touch with me. The me Michael loves. The me I love.

Memories flow freely and welcomed. New ones I know are at the forefront.

In a way, this space has given me a second chance to find love in space the way I did when Michael and I were in our home together. Love in the chair he proposed to me on. Love in decorating each corner with things I know one day will carry some story.

All in all, I’m just happy. And for this week and the rest of my life…it’ll be enough.

Have I Told You Lately…

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.”
-Pablo Neruda

Tonight’s just a night that I want to share how grateful I am for the eternal gift that keeps on giving. The one that allows me to be more than my loss and suffering and the ability to rise above and fulfill all my hopes and dreams. The gift that quietly nudges me out of the dark into a bright future. The gift that  answers my heart’s questions and wraps itself around me when life send a cold front my way.

Tonight, Michael, I want to thank you for choosing me to be the recipient of your love. Never would I had known the true strength and fortitude it held. But you gave it to me, unconditionally, with the knowledge that even when you were gone it would still be securely tucked in my heart, never to leave my side.

When I smile, I am reminded that your love smiles with me.

When I cry, I am reminded that your love will wipe away the tears

When I live, I know that your love is more present than ever.

My hands are your hands. My eyes are your eyes. My love is your love, and I love you (and am so in love with you).

Recap

The past week has been a roller coaster.

Charlie was laid to rest and it was one of the hardest moments of my life. It was also during that time that I was moved by my friends kindness. I was lucky and blessed to have some of my dearest and best friends there…friends that weren’t like the friends that were around when Michael died….these are friends that aren’t going anywhere and laugh and cry and grieve without questions or answers. TT told me she wasn’t used to being so open with her feelings, as we all shared our love and memories with Charlie…the secret is…it’s because they were there that I was able to. I love you all so very much. Thank you for helping me, loving me, and allowing me to be called your friend…I’ll never feel deserving of such kindness.

The flip side of this major loss is a major gain! My organization, as of today, has it’s first official office! I hold the key and smile…it’s more than an office…it’s a brighter and more beautiful future for myself and the fellow widows of the AWP. I’m so excited and know that this means nothing but good. It’s in my dream area. My dream 360 square feet. And will be a place where even more dreams come true for all we serve.

I’m spending this month to absorb all that May has consisted of. A month of growth, pain, survival, and the further assurance that Michael’s love is always present.

That’s it.

The end .

Last Walk

Charlie…

Charlie is more than a dog.

Though my family had him since he was a puppy, in 2004 he came to live with me full-time. He became king.

Always having been an outside dog, he was thrown into a world where he didn’t have to fight to get to the dog bowl and got to sleep among pillows and soft comforters. An escape artist, he’d flee and be back within the hour, waiting on the front porch. The same porch he’d eagerly await my arrival after class each day. He was my best friend.

Michael and Charlie had a special bond. Something I was admittedly jealous of. Charlie would do special tricks and give extra kisses to Michael. He was a daddy’s boy.

When Michael got deployed to Iraq, Charlie was his wingman. Michael had a talk with him to watch over me and take care of me….Charlie never faltered from that agreement they silently made looking into each others eyes before Michael kissed him goodbye for the last time.

When I was sad, Charlie would quietly walk up to me and give me a kiss. He always let me know everything was going to be alright.

On May 21st, 2007, Charlie would have to step up to the plate even more. Michael had been killed and I was shattered. I refused to eat or drink, and Charlie, who never left my bedside, refused to do the same. He was the only reason I would get up….to ensure he’d eat to live another day.

I never thought I’d live longer than Charlie or Maximus. I even have in my will who each are to go to.

In the months following Michael’s death, I stayed inside, planning my escape route from Earth. And yet, Charlie, with his deep brown eyes, always found a way to ensure I face a new day.

He’s a quiet soul who reminds me of Michael. He rarely barked but was known for being a fighter….literally and hypothetically. He had sent a couple of dogs to the vets whenever they got to close.
(I remember one day, napping, when I heard a barking scuffle outside. Pillow in hand, I ran to find Charlie and a boxer going at it. Pillow’s swinging left to right, I feared for Charlie’s life, only to find that the giant boxer was the one harmed.)

As I ventured into a world I decided to fight for, Charlie rooted me on. I talk to him, you see. He’s the child of Michael and I, and I feel he understands what I’m saying…never doubts or challenges.

The next 3 year’s I would travel so much in hopes to bring the AWP to life, but no matter what, he’d be there at the front door to greet me and give me a kiss hello.

In October of 2010 things changed. One night while on the carpet with Papas (one of his 20 million nick-names), I noticed his eye looked weird. Right away I knew something was wrong and asked my parents to take him into the vet (I was afraid to face any bad news).

My dad called me. “Taryn…Charlie has cancer. He has a tumor growing on the top of his head. He doesn’t have much longer….”

No.No.NO. Our baby couldn’t go. I frantically started making calls within minutes of finding out and set up a meeting with a veterinary oncologist.

Many tests were taken, biopsies done, needles poked.

In November they called to let me know that Charlie had squamous cell carcinoma. I went in to see what the options were.

The doctors told me that I could put him through radiation and chemo. Once done with the treatments it could possibly add no more than a year to his life.

I agreed, and so began our new life of waking up each morning for months. Traveling over 2 hours each day. Things would look good and other times I’d bring him in crying, afraid that I had made the wrong decision. But Charlie fought, pulled through, and one night, even ran up to me and gave me a kiss. It was one of the best moments.

The radiation took a toll though, and the skin burned away and then his vision deteriorated.

I cried myself to sleep many nights, but even blind, Charlie would find his way to our bedroom and sleep next to me.

It’s been around 5 months since all of his treatments. 5 months I’ve been able to give him extra belly rubs. 5 months to whisper into his bushy ears how much Michael and I love him.

5 months to have something I wasn’t able to have with Michael….the ability to say goodbye.

I returned home two nights ago and Charlie’s health had deteriorated within hours. Although he had been eating and drinking while at my parent’s house, it became very obvious that he was just waiting to be back with me.

You see, I’ve wondered often if my actions to keep him here, to do everything in my power to keep him with me, were selfish. I asked Michael during the rough times to just let Charlie go in his sleep. But on Tuesday night, I asked Charlie to let me know when he was ready, and at one moment, he looked up at me…blind, but as though he could see, and I knew.

I knew that it was time to do for him something unselfish, and take him out of his pain. I think he breathes for me, suffers for me, feels indebted to his loving father to stay with me….I want him to know it is okay.

I’ve had him for 15 years. He’s been through every life-changing event of my life, but tonight, at 6pm, on his favorite spot in the house (the cold tile of the fireplace), Michael will have his 2nd love join him.

My dearest friends and family by my side, we will wrap him in Michael’s uniform (the one he slept underneath in the closet after Michael died.) Fill the pockets with letters to him and our loved ones he’ll be joining and spread his ashes with his father’s.

I’m in pain…but Charlie is in more. And tonight we will celebrate his furry life. Remember random memories, like how when I took him running he always ran faster than me, making me look even slower, so I had to buy a really short leash. Or the moments when a spurt of energy would hit him and he’d run around like a banshee. Or the time he sat up on Michael’s knees and kissed him farewell. Or how much you simply adore window surfing.

I love you so much, papas. I know you’re outside sleeping with the wind on your face, and maybe by the time you wake up, it will seem as if we were not parted for long.

You have fulfilled you daddy’s wish and taken care of me better than anyone or anything. I know I am strong enough now…and so much of that is because of the loyalty and love you have forever shown me. You are the epitome of unconditional love and I hope to embody your strength.

I love you. We love you.

There’s a stone I had made for Luke at the top of the hill road, where the pasture opens wide and the setting sun highlights the words carved into its face. “That’ll do, Luke, that’ll do.” The words are said to working dogs all over the world when the chores are done and the flock is settled: “That’ll do dog, come home now, your work is done.” Luke’s work is done too. He took my heart and ran with it, and he’s running still, fast and strong, a piece of my heart bound up with his, forever.

-Patricia McConnell

It Holds On

I’ve been getting everything ready for our upcoming AWP event these past two weeks.

One of the neatest components to the time is the golf tournament. I know…golf….not synonymous with anything too exciting, but at each hole is a sign. A sign that bears words from a fallen hero’s wife. Words on his life, his character, his soul….even his favorite beer!

I’ve been preparing them the past three years, and never not smile with pride to know that I know these men through their widows.

I wrote the content of Michael’s sign three years ago, never changing it. Mostly due to lack of time, but when submitting them to get printed, I took a moment to look at it…read it once more.

The content was perfect and defined him perfectly and I ended it with a latin quote. A quote that over the years I forgot the translation of (widow brain).

So yesterday afternoon, I searched for its meaning.  The results couldn’t be anymore perfect, and was something I needed to read again, as the days shave off closer and closer to the day Michael was killed (plus, it reminded me of how much I wanted to get it tattooed!).

Quos amor verus tenuit, tenebit.

True love will hold on to those whom it has held.

Growth

“The way is not in the sky. The way is in the heart.” – Buddha

I must be honest.

So much of this blog has been a diary of my love with Michael, my struggles with him being gone, my growth and realizations. But one huge component of who I am and what I have become/am becoming, I’ve left out of these writings…until now.

The American Widow Project has been a huge key to my survival, my reason for getting up each morning, and the source of infinite strength and understanding that my journey is mine alone, but does not have to be taken alone.

It has done all of the above because of the people who have believed in its mission. People like me, who were trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel, people who wanted to use their own stories of love and tragedy, to not only help themselves, but others like them.

In the beginning, I could find only 6 military widows that believed in my crazy idea of an organization, to now having nearly 800 military widows, that each are continuing to form and build the organization into what it will continuously evolve into.

The thing is, the AWP, this organization, isn’t really an organization, but so much more.  It’s tightly interwoven with my love…Michael’s love. Interwoven with my healing and journey. With the love of other widows and their heroes. With things I don’t quite believe have words to describe them.

I never wanted it to be normal organization, just like I know I never had the normal love story. I never wanted to be a leader, just someone standing among those who could turn to me and nod in confirmation that love story wasn’t a dream and won’t be forgotten, that the road ahead won’t be easy, but can be pretty darn fun. And that’s what I’ve seen it become and grow to be.

But with that have come times where I feel it hasn’t been what I envisioned or what I hoped for others to get from it, and because it’s so woven into my heart, I hurt, and I know it’s mostly because it is so much of what I live and breathe….And I know that that roots from it being a one man show (most of the time) running it.

So with that, the palm tree I planted in the tiny pot, has finally grown too large, and I need to move it into something larger (or maybe a private beach), that can hold its weight and undoubted growth.

It’s taken me over three years to take this step, but I know that the AWP will do nothing but flourish with expansion. Growth is scary with anything in life, and I’m excited to take a step to having a larger place to house the most sacred of love and lives….those of my fellow military widows.

The AWP is a big part of my heart and soul, and I need this growth to take place to help it keep beating.

The Wall

“But mostly, I cried because my life had been going full speed for so long and now it had just stopped, like running right into a big brick wall, knocking the wind and the fight right out of me. And I didn’t know if I’d ever even wanted to get up and start breathing again.”

– Sarah Dessen

This quote embodies the day I was notified and the months and years to follow (and even random moments in my day-to-day life).

I never thought I’d be here.

Alive.

Living….thriving…without my love by my side.

At first I held back from a smile or a good time, in fear that it would be dishonoring him. But with time and introspection, I realized that by doing so…holding back..I was dishonoring him.

Our loves don’t die for us to shrivel up into a ball, to live in a cave, and become Gallum-like. But in the beginning I couldn’t grasp that.

But the winds of time and his love blew away those mis-conceptions, and with that came the realization that I was going to get up…I was going to start breathing once again.

Man, do I love him, with every ounce of my being.

I still have those choke-up moments in realizing how far I’ve come…how much I’ve lived…

Those moments where I’m shocked at my soul’s capacity to survive…

My face’s ability to smile…

My arm’s ability to embrace…

But even in that astonishment,

I am never,

never,

astonished by my heart’s capacity to pump our love through my veins.

And with that knowledge, nearly four years later, I am able to live.

I am living.

I hit the wall…

But I stood up.

I’m standing.

On Yours

I lay in bed a lot, thinking of when Michael and I lay there together. The mornings where we had nothing else to do but sleep in, rolling into each others arms, with me kissing them as they embraced me. The evenings in which the world fell asleep with us, as there was nothing but him and I. Sometimes my heart will beat out of my chest reminiscing of those times, and it’s almost as if I’m back there.

I wrote this one night in which I could hear nothing but my heart beat, as I lay in bed. When I hear it I think of him, and the crazy world I find myself in becomes calm, and I know his beats with mine.

 

My heart racing

up against yours…

 

Trying to catch up to the feelings,

the emotions

protruding out every pore.

 

But we lay still

inhaling,

exhaling,

knowing that if we lay here long enough,

they’ll find their way…

the pounding of our chests will become

one

beat,

and our hearts will laugh….

as we realize,

laying there like

stacked

logs…

that we are at the one place we are supposed to be.

 

And with my face pressed against your chest,

I smile.

 

And I’ll

inhale,

And I’ll

exhale.

Admit One

I love one-of-a-kind and unique pieces of jewelry that no one else has….

This is no exception and perfect for Michael and I…especially being the foreign film and overall movie lovers we are.

In love with you, stinkers.

You’re my “Admit One”.

Me

“I fell in love with her courage, her sincerity, and her flaming self-respect. And it’s these things I’d believe in, even if the whole world indulged in wild suspicions that she wasn’t all she should be. I love her and it is the beginning of everything.”

– Scott Fitzgerald

I’m introspective.

You can still find me wandering the “Self-Help” aisles at a bookstore to find things to challenge my being and better my soul. Like art, all I took and take from those paperbacks is interpreted differently to me than others…and hell, I’m as flawed as a clearance item at a “Ross” store, so in seeing that each life…or in Ross standards..each item..is individual and unique..had been the springboard to me following the path that I am on.

I know the day I stop learning and growing will be the day I die.

Lately though, I’ve felt challenged for being the person I am. The way I do things and the life I lead.

It brought me down to a place I couldn’t stand. It made me reflect, but in that reflection I just had to hold tight to me and who I am.

It’s hard sometimes not having Michael (the most honest, loving, and caring individual I’ve ever known) here. He called me out when I was wrong, reassured me when I was right, and ever so delicately let me know that I  am perfect as I am.

It was with that love and care, that I strive/strived to be even better at living, laughing, apologizing, and forgiving.

So the quote above is one I will repeat in those moments of feeling totally mis-understood in this big world….The moments where I can’t physically  hear his voice, but where I will pluck the cord in my being that he embedded in me. The cord that sang to me that I am enough……

A Real Kiss

 

I remember the moment like the sound of his heart.

 

We sat facing the glass window panes in between gate 15 and 17. The looming knowledge that in a few passing moments a stranger would come over the intercom to separate us once again led us to focus on anything, but the reality awaiting him and I. The distraction was SkyChef loading food onto a gated plane.

 

I promised him I wouldn’t cry and knew that if I even turned to face him as the anticipation built up, he would see the flood of tears awaiting their release as soon as I was out of eye sight. I just told him to come home to me, and he promised he would. As the tears lost control I embraced him to wipe them away without him seeing…he knew. He held me longer and tighter.

 

“Group 1″…”We are now boarding group 1.”

 

I held on a bit longer, tried to hide any evidence of the feelings that had leaked through my eyes. He stood and I stood with him, arms around his waist, as they were so perfectly made for.

 

“I have to go baby.”

“I know.” I responded.

 

The groups and bustle of people around us went from blaring to silent as he leaned down to kiss me.

 

His lips pressed against mine in their familiar place. He pulled his face up and before our “Love you’s” and “So in Love with you’s” were exchanged I stopped him and said, “Now give me a real kiss.”

 

Now I should have prefaced that with the fact that all kisses we had were real, but I’m talking the type of kiss we gave each other as soon as they pronounced us man and wife. The kind of kiss that we know could be our first or last.

 

We had our real kiss there by the glass windows of gate 15.

 

It would be our last kiss here on Earth and oh, how happy I am that I had it…one last real kiss with my love, my soul mate.

 

It brings me back to our wedding song and the fact that we had that “Kiss to Build a Dream On”….

 

Give me a kiss to build a dream on
And my imagination will thrive upon that kiss
Sweetheart, I ask no more than this
A kiss to build a dream on

Give me a kiss before you leave me
And my imagination will feed my hungry heart
Leave me one thing before we part
A kiss to build a dream on

And when I’m alone with my fancies, I’ll be with you
Weaving romances, making believe they’re true

Oh, give me your lips for just a moment
And my imagination will make that moment live
Give me what you alone can give
A kiss to build a dream on

When I’m alone with my fancies, I’ll be with you
Weaving romances, making believe they’re true

Oh, give me lips for just a moment
And my imagination will make that moment live
Oh, give me what you alone can give
A kiss to build a dream on

Wack

You know what…..The poster above has it all right!

Loves not wack, even life isn’t (though it has its glimpses). But death, death I’m pretty certain is wack.

Death didn’t take Michael out of pain or take him to a better place…he had all of that here, and at 22 ,I’m pretty sure he wanted to live down here with me a tad longer.

I don’t think I’ll ever know why death came knocking when it did, but I just try to remember the un-wack things that have been brought/been a part of my life than and now, and the wack is out-weighed. Hell, I’m even really thankful for the people and things the wack has brought my way due to its repercussions.

Death…your wack, and in embracing and accepting that fact I’m able to embrace and accept all that’s come after your visit.

Happy

My personal growth, as well as dedication to the American Widow Project, has brought me more healing than I could have ever fathomed. I still attend each event hoping to get as much out of it as a widow who RSVPed, and continuously I am not disappointed. This evening though, I received a call that meant so very much to me.

I rarely hear or ask what the organization means to others, but today I received a call that made the organization, and the work and dedication come full circle.

A fellow widow and friend rang me up. She spoke about her new engagement and asked if I would be a part of her wedding, as she could not envision being where she is in life had it not been for the AWP. It blew me away and left me speechless, to say the least.

You see, all I hope for myself and my fellow widows is for each to find their own place of happiness. A place they will end up spending more time in than their grief. A place that they know is unique to them, and them alone. All I’ve hoped for is for others to find this place and embrace it to the fullest, as it is the true guiding light to all that is amazing and yet to be explored in the lives still left before us.

I’m honored to have been even a small part of someone finding their place and am even more grateful to celebrate it with them, as I celebrate mine.

I have few words else to put into what this conversation meant, other than that I am happy, I am grateful, I am blessed. And I find myself to be so grateful to be among the ranks of military widows.

Congratulations my friend, and I can’t wait to stand their on your special day.

 

“It isn’t what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.”

-Dale Carnegie

Announcement

***I’d like to take a moment out of my life to make this announcement***

I like being me.

I like being the wife and widow of a hero.

I like the knowledge that I have the best of family, friends and pets.

I like the oddities of my being that I’m still being introduced to.

I like being introduced to them.

I like sunshine through my blinds when I awake.

I like telling my husband how in love with him I am, every night when I go to bed.

I like to dream of him.

I can survive the mornings when I don’t.

I like the warmth that overcomes me when I am reminded of the amazing things still out there for me to enjoy.

I like sitting in a coffee shop and lip syncing the words of a favorite song.

I like to sing them out loud, but spare the strangers around me.

I like when strangers become the people who get us through the days we never thought we’d survive.

I like how they are no longer strangers.

I like the days when I am ready to take on the world.

I like having the ability to forgive myself when I don’t.

I like when a sour time turns sweet.

I sometimes like celebrating the sweet over a glass of wine, sushi and foreign film.

I like turning up the volume on the foreign films, when I can’t hear them speaking.

I like that it doesn’t matter if the volume is up because I’m reading subtitles.

I like driving with my top down….convertible top.

I like looking down at my picture of Michael in the odometer and feeling an overwhelming sense of love take me over.

I like screaming out loud to him in reply….and smiling at the other drivers wondering why I am yelling to the heavens.

I like living.

I like having no fear for when the time comes that I will live no longer.

I like being Taryn Davis.

***You may now return to your regularly programmed life.***

Your Feet

But I love your feet
only because they walked
upon the earth and upon
the wind and upon the waters,
until they found me.
-Pablo Neruda

Knowledge

 

Someone once said that it is knowledge sets us free, but as I’ve learned, everyone’s knowledge is different.

 

After Michael died I knew nothing but one thing in life. I could no longer answer questions on why or how things turned out as they did. I could not tell you right from left. As time has passed though, I have embraced the unknown and learned to accept it as a companion on my journey here on earth.

 

Still though, there are those times, those gut-wrenching, bring you to your knees moments in which the lack of knowledge of how one has ended up in the predicament they’re in, can run a muck on the soul we each carry inside of us.

 

I don’t know why I can’t hold the hand or kiss the lips of my one true love, I don’t know why his vehicle had to be the one to be absorbed by the 2,00 pound blast, I don’t know why I must sometimes wander in a world in which few understand me…and yet…as overpowering and heartbreaking as some of these things may be I can only  return to the one true thing I know…the northern light in a world that sometime has no direction….

 

I know I am loved…but not only loved but in love with my counterpart…my chosen one…my compass.

 

It’s all I know in a place that sometimes feels like a dark alleyway.

 

And that is all the knowledge I need…it’s all I need….and I am free.

I’m Still In Love With You

While reading a fellow widow’s blog, this song echoed in the background with the chorus being a message I could hear Michael telling me know. Because he’s still in love with me….And because I’m still in love with him…..

Because I’m still in love with you
I want to see you dance again
Because I’m still in love with you
On this harvest moon…..-Neil Young

And so I shall dance…..

Shine A Light

I must admit…I love films. Foreign especially, but anything thought and emotionally provoking will do. What can I say….Michael and I first kissed while watching “American Beauty”, it’s just the kind of couple we are.

 

Tonight I found myself watching “Anna and the King”, a remake of “The King and I”, which I thoroughly enjoyed with the widowhood struggles lacing the edges of the classic film. The remake did not disappoint, as I found myself jotting down favorite quotes that came ‘aplenty.

 

It would be the final quote and line of the film that struck the largest chord, as no other words of the film could ring more true of Michael and the love he still fills my soul with daily.

 

But enough of my jabbering…..here it is:

 

“It is always surprising how small a part of life is taken up by meaningful moments. Most often they are over before they start, although they cast a light on the future and make the person who originated them unforgettable.”

 

Though Michael and I had little time physically, in the whole scheme of our eternity with each  other, his life and love cast the light that guides me daily. Through the tough times (that are ever present right now) or even the calm and reflective times….it’s what our love has created together that spares me from the dark that has a know reputation of swallowing its victims whole.

 

To great films and all they remind us….slaint’e.

 

Charlie

He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
– Unknown

I’ll never forget the night I got the news….

Charlie had cancer.

The dog that has been my best friend through life’s most painful tribulations. The dog that greeted me at our patio every day back from college. The dog that has never run out of love to give with his kisses and a simple tail wag. The dog that is the son to Michael and I. The dog that would not leave my bedside, not even for food or water, as I grieved the death of Michael in Iraq. The dog that senses when I am down and quietly lets me know that I am not alone. The dog that is not just a dog, but something more that few understand.

At first knowledge of the news I didn’t know what to say. The tears just rolled down my cheeks and seemed to never stop. He is the link to me and Michael, a part of us that still lives to know the depth of our love together. He is the one thing that has never left my side. I drifted into a dark place I hadn’t been in since the beginning months of Michael’s murder.

After Michael died I feared most for when Charlie or Maximus would pass away. I feared how I could deal with their absence, for I knew only Michael would be able to help me through it. But here I was, sans Michael, starting in on a battle for the quality and happiness of our son’s life.

A veil of darkness had covered me in the weeks to follow. We decided on radiation and an oral chemo to kick the ass of the sarcoma that rooted from his nasal cavity. For two weeks we took the long drive north for his daily treatments. By the second week he became sloth like, but overnight the mass on his head went down and Charlie had a hop in his step. By December 31st, Charlie had officially finished his treatments and there was a 75% reduction in the tumor.

The past two weeks though have been rough. Radiation burns took over his face, and for once I started questioning if I had made the right choice for him. The pain from the burns was unbearable and again we started daily trips to the doctor. The past two days I’ve broken down in the office, telling the oncologist assistants and doctors that this isn’t what I expected…that I was afraid it was getting worse. They reassured me that this was the worst of it and that it must get this way before it gets better. I replied with that I don’t believe that….forgetting in reality that it is an example of my life since Michael’s death. Nightly I spoke to Michael about getting Charlie and I through this.

I returned home last night, emotionally drained to my core. I walked through the door, and like all things….when I was running on empty in the hope department….it refueled.

Charlie was running around, eating more food than I could offer, kissing me, wanting to window surf.

I’m upset at myself for letting my optimism get sucked dry by fear, anger, and sadness. I was upset that ignored the fact that I know Michael is glad we decided to put up a fight, I feel it and know he is by my side, with his arm around me, assuring me that we’re all going to be okay. I’ve forgiven myself though, and today is a good day for Charlie and I.

Papa Giorgio (one of his many names) continues to teach me so much about unconditional love and life, in the sense that he hasn’t given up, and he trusts my decisions and gets up every morning to face whatever is set in front of him. He’s a fighter, and through the long haul we’ve both been through since his diagnosis, he still finds time for a kiss goodnight and each morning.

He always was more like Michael than I, but unknowingly, I see that he has seen me pull from the bottoms to the earth to try to find a reason to live, and in return, now has a bit of me in him too.

I love you Papa Jinkies and thank you for continuing to remind me just how to live life, how to love, and how to face the world each day….even when we may not want to.

I Smile

Recent Photo From One of my 2011 Adventures

“To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget.”
-Arundhati Roy

 

I must say, with each passing year it’s as if another layer of sludge is washed away from my life….The life that began the day Michael was killed. I life I used to loathe to the core of my being.

 

But for once, I’ve been watching, I’ve been learning. I’ve been trying to understand that which I don’t, and yet, with no answers I smile with the reflection.

 

I feel that so much has been bestowed upon me since becoming his widow, and yet, I find more of it that I love than I could ever hate. I’ve never looked away. And for once I am seeing the fruits of that sometimes painful action. I see the immeasurable gifts before me, and even more for my taking. And just as the quote states, I know it’s because I never allow myself to forget. Forget the nights we sometime wish we never had to remember, the moments where taking my life seemed like the only means to an end of all that I felt was taken from us both, the moments where I cursed God for continuing to test me and my strength I sometimes ignore.

 

Those moments, though they will probably occur time to time until I’m reunited with my love, are the ones I sit here at my computer smiling over.

 

The questioning, begging, and pleading have gone on an undetermined sabbatical and I feel free. And I feel Michael. And I feel excited for where our story will continue to lead me.

 

And I feel alive.

 

And it’s all I because I never forgot…..It’s all because I’ll never forget.

Here We Go

It’s here. My fourth year of not being able to refer to my love alive.

But as somber as it sounds, it’s also my fourth year of being living proof of just what the power and strength of love can get you through.

I’ve never set resolutions and hopes for each year, other than just trying to find more good days than bad in the months ahead….even if that would mean 184 good days and 181 bad ones. I want the good to come out on top…just like our love…..my strength that I tried to deny…..my hopes that I buried beneath the grief and pain for such a long time.

 

This year I will try and live by Ghandi’s Top 10 Fundamentals. Not that I haven’t in the past couple of years or already have many cemented into my being, but those that I don’t I want to live them….not follow them. I want to wake each day and evolve. I want to continue being persistent in all that I believe. Remind myself in the moments where I feel helpless, take control of my path…my journey.

 

The things that I already have as a part of myself that are noted in his list I never want to let go of, I never want to doubt with any cell in my body. I want to continue embracing my authenticity and never have more fear for change than hope.

 

So 2011 will be amazing…I hold that pillar. I venture out into its foreign ground with my head high, my eyes wide open and my heart as my compass.

 

Slainte’

Presence

This week has been beyond one of my comprehension. One of new experiences, new travels, new bonds, and new horizons for myself and the organization.

 

I found out about 2 months ago that some of my fellow widows submitted my story and organization to L’oreal’s Women of Worth. A program that aimed to showcase volunteers of causes, I then found out that I was one of the top 10 honorees, giving our organization funds to further our mission.

 

This past week I was flown into DC for the ceremony and meet fellow honorees. I met 9 women that dumbfounded me to be in such presence. Women ranging from 18 to 90, women that were the epitome of passion, women of a worth beyond worth.

 

Sitting at a table, it hit me that there are people that in a small way saw the need for a cause that I started due to my own needs….my needs to not feel alone…my needs to feel connected with others that shared in my grief…my need to unify those that believed in the power of heal and healing.

 

Last night, among those 9 women, my organization was chosen for the National prize, and as I went to the stage…all that hit me….all that by brain could comprehend was his presence. His undying love that I have unearthed through the AWP, my fellow widows, and those that dared not to give up.

 

I’m now at an event with 13 of the most amazing military widows, and as I sit here and try and absorb all that has taken place in the last 48 hours…the only emotion I feel is gratefulness, love, inspiration, and appreciation…..the core essence of an undying love….of the presence that never leaves my side.

It Took

It took 3 years to do it. To put up the Christmas tree.

 

The Christmas season has always been a favorite of mine. Growing up, I remember walking down the stairs to those twinkling lights and the warm sense of joy.

 

I loved the season so much that Michael and I got married on December 23rd.

 

After he died, the season and everything it meant died too.

 

Presents, joy, festivity….my heart screamed “Screw it all.”

 

But this year….3 plus years after Michael was killed, I’ve done it. I spent the day picking out new ornaments to add to our collection, a new tree skirt, mulled wine to sip on during decoration, candles to burn that smell of apple cider and spice. I even tuned the station to 95.5…Delilah…100% Christmas tunes…and I sang along…i whistled down the aisles.

 

I’ve spent the evening decorating our home and feeling that same feeling i did as a child, but with another type of warmth, the warmth of our love that still lives on…stronger than ever.

 

I’m excited to wake each day and look at the tree..the tree that has no gifts laid beneath it…since the one gift I could ever need is within me….planted by my one true love.

 

Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmas-time.

~Laura Ingalls Wilder

Comfortable

It happened.

 

I’d become comfortable. I’d accepted the fact that I must survive…thrive in this world without my soul mate. It became acceptable. It became something other than a curse.

 

Then it happened. News. News that I was not supposed to deal with without him by my side. News that made me want to screw the comfortable and scream for the past. News that I didn’t know how to take.

 

I had retreated into a world that was only known to me many years ago…I didn’t want to go back there, yet my heart knew no other path.

 

I guess that is what it is. Like a down comforter chair. You see it. It looks so welcoming. You decide to sit in it. It’s blissful as your muscles are enveloped by its comfort, by its surroundings. But just as you sink in more and put your feet up, it happens, you’re abruptly thrown to your toes, thrown into a confusion of sorts that you never saw coming.

 

Maybe the secret isn’t dwelling on the fact that it started “just when”. Maybe it’s a matter of celebrating and being grateful that I had that “just when”.

 

Life is the greatest mystery. The second greatest is our heart’s capacity to handle it all. The only thing that isn’t a mystery is the love that drags us through the hell we find ourselves in. Drags is through those moments when we had just become comfortable.

You Too

 

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one’.”
-C.S. Lewis

 

Today is just one of those days where I wanted to talk about how grateful I am for my fellow widows.

 

The women that pull me out of a funk, the women that give me hope, the women that know the unspoken words in my heart, the women that know the depth and never-ending length of my love.

 

I’ve tried to make sure and not imagine the “what-ifs” in life, but I must say that I would not be who I am or what I’ve become without each of them.

 

Each have come into my life at different points e since Michael’s death, but with each I’ve been able to have it..that moment where we looked into each others eyes…all differences set aside…to say the words that would make us feel alive once more….understood on a planet we once felt alone on….

 

“You too!?”

Search

“What do I do now?”

“Where do I go?”

“How do I live?”

These are just a few of the many questions so many of us ask after the loss of our counterpart…our soul mate.

These questions helped fill my overactive brain from focusing on the reality that I needed to stop living in a nightmare and do it…venture into the wild and find the answers for myself…find life.

But I can say now, that the search needed little manpower, for in reality we cannot live life in questions….In search of some bigger picture. I think the only thing we can truly do is what Rainer Rilke said herself…”live the questions themselves” and hope…madly hope….that in the midst of living them they answer themselves. And that we are too busy living life to even care that they’ve been answered, for our life has become nothing but an outward expression of those answers.

For when it comes to it, the only questions worth answering are those that have a simple answer…”I did it for love.”

Guide

I’ve always taken my own path. I like the fresh, uncharted dirt beneath my feet, the barren terrain of land not crossed by others. Yes, as Michael would say, I lived in the clouds, a world of my own, but he never tried to change that, and in all honesty, I think it’s one of the things he loved so much about me. It’s the Christopher Columbus in me, which did lead me to him to begin with.

 

After Michael died though, I forgot about this land, the trail of life I was blazing. Soon my life became consumed by the “What would Michael want me to do?” I had lost my inner compass, my sense of direction, and leaned on Michael to show me the way.

 

This sustained me for a little while, but I felt Michael fading more in presence.

 

Then it hit me. How or why would I feel his presence and guidance when I was losing and forgetting that I was my guide all along. I was losing me, in this pursuit to let go of my steering wheel, hold my hands up and expect for  there not to be a crash.

 

Once I realized that to continue on my journey to him, my journey through this life without him, my journey, I had reclaim that girl that “lived in the clouds”. That girl that had a machete in one hand to cut her way through an alien world.

 

I’ve found her. Piece by piece, new and old me’s, gleam beneath the gravel of life they’ve been hidden in.

 

It feels good. To have that compass inside of me working. It feels good to know that at the end of my pioneering this life before me I’ll be with my soul mate.

 

I remembered that the only phrase I needed to ask myself the whole time, “What would Taryn do?” and it’s a phrase that has brought his loving presence back into my life more powerful than ever.

 

There is great meaning in life for those who are willing to journey.

-Jim England

Adventure

Adventure:
To take a risk; dare.
To proceed despite risks.

After Michael was killed my equilibrium for life was off. How things and actions made by me were guaged, I can’t quite say would fall under the category of “adventure”, as my reasoning behind certain decisions was semi-based off the hope that maybe I’d join Michael sooner than later.

Selfish? Yes. But at that point the biggest risk, the biggest adventure I could take, was trying to live…to survive. That alone was scarier than jumping out of any plane, speeding over a 100 in any car, and eating as many Ben and Jerry containers as should ever be humanly possible combined.

I can say now though, that at some point I waved the white flag and decided to face the world, create new adventures, unearth all the love and goodness in my being. I decided to grasp the fact that life…my life has been the greatest adventure of all, and I want it to continue to be.

Right now I’m typing this from London, in a flat with some amazing widows, adding another adventure to my life resume. AsI tell my loved ones, I want my life resume/adventures to be so good…that God himself would hire me.

Hope you enjoy some of the pics taken in one of my favorite places so far:

ACL 2010

2009 ACL Festival

This weekend I’ll be at the Austin City Limits Music Festival. 8 stages, over a hundred bands, but to me it is so much more.

Last October, my best friend (and fellow widow) and I ventured out on the green grass, drinking wine from sports bottles, listening to amazing music, having a grief/stress free time.

Of course, since Michael’s death I’ve had many days that way. Worry free, almost to the point where I forget that he’s even dead, but what differentiated that festival weekend from anything else was the affect it had once the 3 days were over.

You see, after Michael died, the future was unbearable fathom. Minute by minute was as far as my mind and heart could comprehend. As time passed I could maybe look a month or two ahead, but after ACL happened the amazing happened. I went and bought tickets for the next year’s festival over a year in advance.

I couldn’t believe it, but it felt so good. 2 years after my soul mate’s passing, I had seen the possibility of looking forward to something not only in the future…but a year in the future!

So you see, this weekend is more than a music festival, it is a marker of what has allowed me to see and plan and get excited for life again. It is 3 days, that year ago allowed me to look 365 days ahead, allowing me to be set free from the fear of having to face another second without my other half.

 

“My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there”
-Charles F. Ketering

Once In A Lifetime

“Adventure is a path. Real adventure – self-determined, self-motivated, often risky – forces you to have firsthand encounters with the world. The world the way it is, not the way you imagine it. Your body will collide with the earth and you will bear witness. In this way you will be compelled to grapple with the limitless kindness and bottomless cruelty of humankind – and perhaps realize that you yourself are capable of both. This will change you. Nothing will ever again be black-and-white.”

– Mark Jenkins

It’s that time of year.

That time where I’m able to fulfill one of the biggest dreams Michael and I had.

To travel across the world.

I vowed after he died that I would take a once-in-a-lifetime trip once a year. The first being a 220 plus mile backpacking pilgrimage across Spain. The second was in Ireland. And this yearI will be hopping around the UK (London/Lake District).

They are 7 to 20 days where I am able to experience and see things we could have only once dreamed of. I experience them for both of us, which in return makes the time doubly amazing. The cherry on the top though, is having been able to experience these adventures with my fellow widows. Women I met due to tragedy, befriended due to commonality, and had by my side for this new chapter due to extreme luck (and hopefully a little help from Michael).

Greece, India, Africa, New Zealend…and the list goes on with future endeavors. A time to live to the fullest with my husband (invisibly) by my side, and the women who are my group of Indiana Jones….ready to explore new terrain, physically and emotionally.

As my own life has evolved, not only do I have these yearly excursions to look forward to, but I have a time of reflection to see how far I’ve gone….in miles and in healing. I look forward to it. Something I once loathed even saying…the future. And these trips are the perfect time once a year to commemorate my once in a lifetime life.

Below are photos of special ways I’ve incorporated my love into my adventures.

Say

I found this photo. Simply a picture of a memorial for some stranger’s lost loved one.

Raw. Honest. Candid.

Words that can be used to define the words left to commemorate this soul, this being.

What would yours say.

For Michael’s Bench:

“A lover of steak, mechanics, calculus, Star Trek, not using directions, cargo shorts, foreign films. All he wanted was for everyone to love each other. Sit down, invite over someone you love. Love.”

It’s pretty hard, in retrospect, to choose what I’d want for others to put on some plaque for me, because for so long I felt as if I didn’t know me or any sort of future after Michael was killed, but 3 years later, I know.

My Bench:

“A lover of her soul mate, life, sushi, ice cream, foreign films, Ross, clearance, her friends, her dogs/children, sunny skies, overgrown grass in a strict HOA. Screw the rules. Make your own. Sit down and create them.”

Push

One of the many hills Michael conquered.

Active Lifestyle….

I lived one.

I ran 5 days a week, did ab workout DVDs, went biking with Michael, and a little more here and there.

Now in comparison to Michael, I was sedentary, but he was my motivation to do that which I was active in to begin with.

Self care was something he was a huge advocate of, and feeling and looking my best made me feel great inside and out. Plus, it made me even prouder to stand next to my husband and be introduced as his wife.

Then it happened.

He was killed.

Suddenly I thought, “Screw it all.” I went out and ate everything I had cut from my diet. Steak, blizzards, Big Macs. I stopped caring about my it all, and hoped if anything, this lifestyle would make me see Michael sooner.

Well, it probably would, but with me looking like a sea world exhibition. Looking like someone he wouldn’t know…and I probably wouldn’t know either.

So I started. Started eating healthier, returning to a daily exercise routine, taking my dogs for that walk that their tales begged for.

It’s taken a while and I’ve just recently started pushing myself back to the level I was at when Michael was alive. I’ve moved from the elliptical to pavement and from hula hooping to weight lifting, but it’s happening.

So blinded by my grief and his death, I forgot me, I forgot the person he loves, I forgot that I am a living example of the man I am so in love with.

I feel him when I run, I feel him when I think I want to give up, I feel him when I look in the mirror, knowing he’d be standing next to me smiling.

Piece by piece his Taryn, my Taryn, is returning…and damn…it feels great.

A picture Michael took of me after a steep climb on the bike. When I reached the top, seeing him there made it all worth it.

Overwhelmed

It happens.

A song plays. A breeze brushes past my face. A scene from a movie crosses the screen. I stand in the kitchen for no certain reason. A sunset paints itself across the horizon. Our dog sticks his head out the window. I lay silently in bed.

These diminutive things take place, and from head to toe I am overwhelmed with how much I am in love with him. How much of his love gives me random moments of bliss and makes me thankful to be around to feel them.

It’s the equivalent to his 6’2 self wrapping his arms around me. A kiss of his lips on my forehead. Awakening to find him watching me.

It’s the same sensation, just in a new form. A form that makes all well in this tornado of a world I live in.

I don’t know where they come from or why, but they are a reminder of the capacity of happiness that is and can be felt in this soul of mine. A whisper from his soul into mine. A promise that he’s always with me. A promise that all will be well.

26

Michael's 22nd Birthday

This Sunday will mark my baby’s 26th birthday….or 4th birthday in heaven. However you want to look at it.

Birthday’s we’re always such a happy time but even three year’s later, the angst of certain holidays never weaken with time.

I remember when I had my 23rd birthday…I had officially had lived longer then my soul mate. Though that birthday was hard and not being able to celebrate his with him is equally difficult, I try to use these days to celebrate who he is/was/continues to be in my life.

I like to buy him cards and have them displayed on these special days, because for me, he’s on this journey with me as much as I am with him. Ups, downs, and all.

Tonight, as shuffling through the card aisle of Wal-Mart, I found one I thought fit perfectly. I’d like to share it below:

Front:

Real love takes more than flowers

means more than

beautiful words.

Real Love means keeping promises…

holding on when you don’t want to, being strong so that others may rest.

And as time and change

swirl around us,

the love we share

stands quietly (or loudly in my case) in the midst of our lives,

forever beautiful,

forever real.

Inside:

Sometimes I stop and think

about what we’ve been through

together- the good, the bad,

and everything in between.

And I realize that there’s

no one I’d rather share

my life with than you.

Happy Birthday to the Man I Love (and I’m in love with)

I love you, baby, and am SO in love with you. The only gift I can think of getting you is the one you give me day in and day out…and that is my love…my unconditional, unwavering, undying love.

Happy Birthday!

He Smiled

“He smiled understandingly-much more than understandingly. It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life. It faced—or seemed to face—the whole external world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your favor. It understood you just as far as you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in yourself, and assured you that it had precisely the impression of you that, at your best, you hoped to convey.”

-The Great Gatsby

The other night I had a dream with Michael in it.

A festival of some sort was taking place and I stood some distance away…eyes glued to my love. Something passed by, that before Michael could even look at it, I knew would be something he’d find amusing.

I knew it would happen. One of the things that melted my heart and still brings butterflies to my belly to think about.

He would smile.




Not a courtesy smile. Not a half smile…but his real smile. The smile only showed in the most authentic of happy moments.

I stared.

Like a marionette, the corners of his sweet mouth slowly lifted. More and more until it appeared. A full grin showing his pearly gap-toothed smile.

I watched from afar…a tad proud that I knew that this would be something that I foresaw making him smile and warm in my heart seeing him happy.

Before I could observe him anymore, he turned his head and looked at me…full grin still intact…silently acknowledging that our souls, our thoughts…are still connected.

He knew that I would know, and that is a simple fact that I need to remember as I venture on this life sans him by my side.



He will know what I know inside of me…and though I won’t be able to see it as I did in that dream, I know he will be looking at me with that grin…that unfaltering expression, that “eternal reassurance”, letting me know he’ll be there in my reality, invisibly there for me to turn to and show my true smile to.

Losing Me

And remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

~Confucius

I remember the day. It was two months after Michael was killed and I found myself sitting on our big red chair, laptop in hand. Tears welled up in my eyes as I scrolled through the hundreds of photos I had of Michael. It would take a moment till I finally realized what I was doing. As I passed through each picture I would only look at Michael. When I finally looked over at myself, the real pain settled in my heart. A pain that recognized that I had not only lost my soul mate, but along with him, myself.

The twinkle in my eyes, the smile on my face, the glow of having my love near-by…all those things were gone, and I felt like an empty shell staring at what it once was when a soul inhabited it.

I must say, three years later, I know that those expressions I shared  in the moments where I looked up at him, kissed his lips, held his hand…those moments will never be recreated, as they were exclusive to the man that unearthed them from the person I was before his love came into my life. Yet on another note, as I’ve healed,  as I’ve grasped back onto the core or who Taryn is,  I’ve learned to once again love the life that still is before me. New expressions are exposed…expressions of love, laughter, happiness, and contentment.

I no longer mourn the loss of the person I was when Michael was alive. I can look at those same photos that once brought me tears and smile reminiscing over the feelings I felt at that very moment, feelings that manifested out of the rubble in a new form, shaped to the life I never thought I’d have, the life I will look back on in photographs with happiness…happiness over the person I once was, the person I became, and the person I continue to court on this strange, alien yet beautiful, life I call my own.

Rules

Being a widow is no easy thing.

From picking up the pieces , staring at them like they’re some foreign thing, and trying to create something semi-comprehensible….to the “outliers” (those are the people outside my situation), that try and put their two cents in…or in most cases…89 cents in, to what my life should be. There’s a lot going on. But if there is anything that I have learned, it’s to FIGHT THE POWER.

Create your own rules, take the path less traveled (Mr. Frost was on to something)! If someone asks you how you’re doing on a bad day, reply with “Really freakin’ horrible.” If someone tells you they’re sorry for you loss, tell them they shouldn’t be, because what you have had/do have is more then most will experience in a lifetime. Wear your wedding ring till you die. Take your wedding ring off after a month. Chop off your hair while eating a gallon of Ben and Jerry’s. Run a marathon. Remarry. Never Date.  Jump out a plane. Stay in your house watching soaps. Get a tattoo. Travel the world. Make a daily bucket list. Redefine what others have tried to define for you. Scream to the high heavens that you are a widow and SO proud of it. Surround yourself by people of all walks of life; They’ll either guide you where you need to be or help reinforce what you already knew in your heart. MAKE YOUR OWN RULES!

The truth is, I have never read a whole book on grieving or widowhood…I knew for me, I had to do the one thing that has no manual, guide or rules…and that’s to follow my heart. Has that put me in situations that may have been awkward for others, if not only myself? Yes. Has it brought me joy? Yes. Has it brought me struggle? Double yes. But the thing is, every night when I go to sleep, every step forward or step backward I have taken has been decided on by me. Not “outliers”, not “How To’s”, not by family and friends….just me. It’s because of that fact that I never have regrets…because no matter what the outcome, I know that I was the one who decided, chose, picked, and did it. And no matter what….that willingness to have faith in myself is something I’ll never have remorse over.

Fight the power…grasp your chaos…savor your solitude…celebrate your company…live your life…embrace YOUR rules.

“All your life people are going to try to tell you who you are. And sometimes it’s going to be tempting to believe them. But you must remember that you are who you feel in your heart and your head and down to your toes. You are who you feel deep down in your soul and radiating out your skin, and no one’s opinion (except maybe your own) can change that.”- La Joie Dd “All your life people are going to try to tell you who you are. And sometimes it’s going to be tempting to believe them. But you must remember that you are who you feel in your heart and your head and down to your toes. You are who you feel deep down in your soul and radiating out your skin, and no one’s opinion (except maybe your own) can change that.”

– La Joi de Vivre

1157

One restless night of blog surfing, I saw someone post the exact number of days since they lost their soul mate.

I must admit, I stopped long ago in counting the exact days and months since Michael was killed. Knowing such numbers, especially in the never-ending days in the beginning of my grief, seemed like mental suicide. As much as I’m a believer that each day on earth is a day closer to them in heaven, I couldn’t fathom marking and taking note of each day without him…that is a loss in my being that no month, date, calendar, or clock can construe.

Yet I admit, as I stared at the widowers days numbered, I was tempted to find out my own. I found a site that allowed me to find out the duration from date to date…

“Submit” was clicked.

1157 days can be converted to one of these units:

* 99,964,800 seconds
* 1,666,080 minutes
* 27,768 hours
* 165 weeks (rounded down)

I stared at the numbers.

I wasn’t numb. I wasn’t in shock. I simply looked at them, shook my head, and closed the page.

As much as I can’t believe that it has been that long since everything happened (and had I been earlier out I may have had a different reaction) I’ve learned one thing above all;
In 1157 days I have struggled, cried, given up, stood back up, laughed, smiled, grown, cried some more, scorned the heavens above, thanked the heavens above, given up on life, taken back my life, fallen to my knees…prevailed.

I look at 1157 with pride, not pain.

I have survived 1157 days without my soul mate physically here. I have fallen deeper in love with the man who took a new form and shown me a new perspective on our amazing relationship and my new life.

Just as I couldn’t count the days or months these past 3 years because I felt that no number would ever bring back my love or erase the heartache felt because of his death…no number or date can be put on the length and depth of our love…but when I am given the chance (or the curiosity) to see a number, it will be one that reminds me of the strength born from both of those things.

My name is Taryn Davis. My life ended 1157 days ago….but in the last 1157 days it has come back from the dead…stronger then ever…fueled by the essence of any life…the knowledge that is has true love on its side.

Friends

For those that really know me, they know how open I am in sharing that a huge percentage of the reason I am still here today, has been due to my friends.

Before Michael was killed, my friendships were on a superficial level. This wasn’t to say that I didn’t have long-time friends, but the essence of who I was wasn’t truly understood.

The only person that knew me past the candy coating was Michael, and for my life, that was all I really needed.

It wasn’t until after he died that true friendship, outside of my husband, would find it’s way into my cold soul. This isn’t to say that there weren’t a couple of bumps in the road to find the ones who would really be willing to stick it out for the long haul (though they taught me much), but as my wise best(est) friend of mine said, “Those that aren’t in your life anymore, have made room for those that want to be there forever.”(Sorry TT, if I butchered that).

Through the AWP (which is the other percentage of the reason I’m still here today), I have met the women who have not given up on me when I wanted to give up on myself, women that embrace and laugh at my quirks (just like my baby), women who continue to teach me about life, love and death at a level I never knew existed, women that have celebrated in the tiny and big moments that I never thought I could handle without Michael by my side, women that have made life worth living after a very long time of nearly settling for despair.

Women that have shown me that TRUE, undying friendship (outside of Michael), does exist.

It is to those women that words can never be enough, nor actions, but….I did find a few quotes that will suffice for now ;D :

“With each true friendship, we build more firmly the foundation on which the peace of the whole world rests.”
-Mahatma Gandhi

“By respect for life we become religious in a way that is elementary, profound and alive.
Impart as much as you can of your spiritual being to those who are on the road with you,
and accept as something precious what comes back to you from them.
In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter
with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.”
-Albert Schweitzer

“Depth of friendship does not depend on length of acquaintance.”
-Rabindranath Tagore

“True Friends are like blood.. it sustains life, and comes out whenever you are wounded”
-Unknown

“A friend who is far away is sometimes much nearer than one who is at hand. Is not the mountain far more awe-inspiring and more clearly visible to one passing through the valley than to those who inhabit the mountain?”
-Kahlil Gibran

“I cannot even imagine where I would be today were it not for that handful of friends who have given me a heart full of joy. Let’s face it, friends make life a lot more fun.”
– Charles R. Swindoll

LUB

Embrace

“I don’t understand what’s happened to me?”

“It’s huge. You’ve finely embraced the life you hadn’t planned on.”

This quote from a movie just keeps echoing in my brain.

I’ve noticed that, with quotes and words…they have a way of sticking to the sides of your mind during different parts of our life.

Some temporarily to help you get through the day or empower you to march on, others to bring you comfort in knowing that your pain has been felt by another, and in this case, to remind me that as much as i may have never fathomed it….I’m embracing this life I have.

The funny thing is…I don’t understand it either.

I guess it’s like most things in my life since Michael was killed…out of nowhere, it just happened.

I guess the only way to describe it is like being in line for a REALLY scary rollercoaster. One that you didn’t want to ride but got pulled into line for. Plus on top of that…it’s a really looonnnggg line, so any hesitation and fear you have in actually getting on is enhanced by the fact that you must now wait, watch, and either walk through the other coaster-goers (head down of course) back to the entrance you came in through, or stay in line, hope for the best, and take the exit you were made to take. If you decide the latter route, I (at least) am one of those folks that has to ask everyone around me if they have been on this ride before; “Is it scary?”, “How many times have you been on it?”, “It’s not that bad? Are you sure?” and of course, as the questions take place you hear screaming from those who have already met their fate with the metal mammoth.  Then I get jumpy like, ‘I’m going to do this, woo…yeah!”, while secretly hoping that I can play the “I really have to go to the restroom” card.

But then it happens! You look up and the wait is over and you are asked to take your seats (hopefully you’ll be sat next to one of the new friends you’ve made in line). The bars go down and before you can even anticipate anything, your zooming off.

That’s how life’s been after Michael’s death. Lots of fear, having to ask others who have been on this ride before, or on for the first time, how they feel about it, and before you know it you’re going full speed ahead, with plenty of loops and turns thrown in.

I guess the important thing to do when the ride finally takes off is to put your arms up, keep your eyes open, scream as loud as you can, and when it concludes, if given the chance, get back in line and ride it all over again.

Embrace the life you hadn’t planned on.

Kora

It started with a call from CJ (my brother in law), letting me know that him and Kenzi we’re heading to the hospital to have their baby girl.

Rewind to 9 months earlier; it was another dinner and movie night at our home and Kenzi and CJ walked in, stood in the entrance and announced they were going to have a baby. When the words came out of their mouths, it was one of the moments in which the finality of Michael not being there to be a part of this chapter of their lives sank in.

Those moments aren’t few and far between, but there are those certain times where it really hits you that the moments where you are supposed to be hand in hand to congratulate your sister on her pregnancy, or see another sister walk down an aisle, or my mom and dad hold their first grandchild, aren’t going to happen.

You see, in the 3 years that my baby’s been dead, I’ve come to terms and accepted the reality of us not having our beautiful children, sharing exciting moments in our lives with family, and growing old together. I guess I wasn’t quite prepared or had even thought about what it would be like when our loved one’s started to do those things, and how I would react.

But as they stood in the entrance, waiting for my reply that October evening, I smiled and the first words to exit my heart and then my mouth were, “Congratulations! Wow! All I can say is that Michael would have loved to be here to tell you how much I know it means for him to be an uncle to your child.”

I knew that over the duration of her pregnancy, and the duration of Kora’s life, I’d be able to physically show them my excitement and joy in being her Aunt, but at that moment, I just wanted them to know what was most important for me to have them understand, and that is the fact that as Michael’s soul counterpart, he will be there in everything I do, and in all the moments I have with her, and that is something I had learned that only other widows may truly understand.

But with tears in her eyes, She smiled and said, “I know.”

After that understanding and acceptance of what I know to be true, I became their biggest cheerleaders during her pregnancy. Cards for first ultra-sounds and doctor appointments, taking pregnancy photos, creating a stock of ultra cool baby things that Michael and I would have laughed over, and even buying her alcohol-free wine for our dinner nights.

I was liberated by the fact that not only me, but Michael, could celebrate in this special occasion, and they knew, understood, and liked it.

Today I went to the hospital to see the new family, and the first thing they did was open the card I brought. Signed by my family: Michael, Me, Charlie and Maximus.

They set it on display and for the next 3 hours we laughed about how big Michael was when he was born (10.5lbs), talked about who Kora looked like, and for a moment, it was if Michael was standing behind me as I held Kora, his warm hands placed on my shoulders, looking down on our niece. For a moment, life was as perfect as their baby.

If it hadn’t had been for Kora, I wouldn’t have learned that as some life’s big moments occur sans Michael, that I actually have him there more then ever, and feel like life is as it’s supposed to be.

Thank you, Kora.

I promise you that Michael and I will show you the love that we have shown each other, and with that, I know your life will be amazing.

It is not flesh and blood but the heart which makes us aunts and uncles.
~Johann Schiller

Aspire

After he was killed, it was so easy to stay down.

Barricaded not only in my house but my emotions, thoughts and feelings. I’d torture myself with not looking at the memories as a gift, but more so, a reminder of that which could never be again. Even as the light would creep in through the darkness, I still didn’t allow myself to feel and live the way I already knew how to live when he was alive, but instead the way I thought I was supposed to live because he was dead. How can I exist, let alone smile and feel alive with my soul mate not here?

No one wanted to accept that I’m madly in love with a dead man, so separating myself from others and feeling that I could only live in a bubble became a notion I was ready to fulfill, as long as it meant I could live in his love.

But that’s the thing…I wasn’t.

The love we share is unrelenting, full of life, an explorer of the world and all the emotions out there waiting for us to feel them. It’s a love that does not sit and wait for something to happen, but goes out and gets it. A love that defines the infinite and creates feelings in which words have not been created to describe.

But what was I doing?

The opposite. Afraid to go out into a world that I was letting the fear of the unknown and those who did not know hold me back. A fear that smiling, laughing…living would make others believe that suddenly my love and pain was waning for Michael.

But those notions, each and everyone noted and unnoted, are things in retrospect that I have learned were my own aversion from embracing this life before me.

So I stopped.

Now my life is defined by the love that I know. The love that is compiled of all the things I spoke about. The love that has made me feel alive after I died inside, the love that grabbed the paddles, placed them on my corpse of a life, and recuperated me into living the life that I know Michael is looking down on with pride…and maybe a little envy 🙂 and most of all gratification in the fact that I did what he was whispering through my soul, but did not allow myself to hear with the glaring pitch of grief…that to honor his life, and the gifts he’s left me with, is to be the woman he fell in love with and proudly announced as his wife…to be Taryn.

“The reason why all men honor love is because it looks up, and not down; aspires and not despairs”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Yes”

Tomorrow will be the engagement anniversary of my best friend.

While thinking of what to do, send or say, I finally figured that only words could suffice for what I hope tomorrow is for her.

I know my life has changed immensely having her in my life, but with time, talks and just knowing, being best friends just fell into place, there was no ceremony or crowning. But, for our soul mates, our other best friends,  there is that moment where they tell us they want to spend the rest of their eternity with them, that moment where our love is personified as they look into our eyes for our answer and slide the ring on our finger.

For TT and Joe it was tailgating at a country concert, with cheap beer rushing through their veins just like the love they have for each other. I didn’t know them then and it wouldn’t be until nearly four years later that I’d meet TT, and through her Joe, and later here the story of how it all came to be.

Her and Joe have taught me so much, and I know and their love is one that so many can look up to. Though it will be a while till Michael and I and TT and Joe can hang out, the moments I’ve had of reading through poems he wrote her or seeing pictures from pivotal times, have been an honor to see and read.

And all of this is because we looked back down into their eyes when the words flowed out of their mouths, we looked at them and our heart spoke the truest words that would be the start of it all….Yes.

(or for TT, “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god”… followed by a hug).

Love you bestie and Happy Engagement Anniversary.

What greater thing is there for two human souls that to feel that they are joined… to strengthen each other… to be at one with each other in silent unspeakable memories.
~ George Eliot

His Love…His Gift

“Love is the voice under all silences, the hope which has no opposite in fear; the strength so strong mere force is feebleness: the truth more first than sun, more last than star…”

e.e. cummings

Do you know?

Know what your love has gotten me through, lifted me above, allowed me to see and my heart to follow?

I’m not sure. But one day you will know when I’m back in front of you and able to share the places your love has guided me to, and the people, the amazing people, that reminded me when all else failed, to listen to that voice, that hope and that strength that you gave me as your gift.

The gift I’ll never be able to repay, but the gift I swear to wear out, over-indulge in, stretch thin, and never get tired of.

Thank you for your love. Thank you for choosing me to give it to.

3

Three…

Three whopping years since it happened.

Since my soul mate went to the other side and I ventured out in the unfamiliar world called widowhood.

The Angel-versary is always a time where I look back on the time that has passed, things that have been conquered, feelings that have been realized, and growth that has taken place. As I drove in my car one evening, thinking of these things, thinking of THREE, one thing took precedent.

In the rehashing of all that has transpired, what came to mind the most were the three words that have got me through it all. Three words that he said to me for the last time on May 21st, 2007. Three words that have not only carried through my grief but helped me soar above it’s grasps into a life where smiles are more prevalent then frowns, and memories are recalled while making new ones.

Three words that on this three year anniversary will be heard in my heart and felt in my veins. Three words that have defined my being.

Three….

I LOVE YOU.

If There Was No You

Alright, Alright, Alrighhhttt!

Long time, no post.

Just heard this song. Love it. It’s crazy how different songs I can connect to the lyrics in what I would want to tell Michael, or how I feel about him. Then there are those that I feel like Michael would want me to hear as if he was telling me, “Yeah, babe…that’s how it is..that’s how I love you..that’s how I feel about you.”

Well, I’ll stop with the ramblings. Here’s one by Brandi Carlile I’m feeling.

When I see myself i’m seeing you too
As long as I remember and I’m feeling like I knew
That my jokes aren’t funny the truth isn’t true
If there was no you

If you were my boat in the deep blue sea
I probably sink you down
I know I should have thanked you for carrying me
But for you I would happily drown

Out on your way the darkest night the longest day
I know what to say to make you laugh
And nothing you could do
Could make me turn my back on you
When you’re looking for a fight i’m your man
When you need a friend you got my hand

And what i really mean what I’m trying hard to say
Is that I’m counting on you and you got me too
Our secrets aren’t safe I’m singing out of tune
If there was no you if there was no you

Out on your way darkest night the longest day
I know what to say to make you laugh
And nothing you could do
Could make me turn my back on you
When you’re looking for a fight I’m your man
When you need a friend you got my hand
When you need a friend you got my hand
You got my hand

Ain’t No Love

Ever since TT and I went to the David Gray concert,
I’ve become more consumed in his lyrics and songs.
This song is one of them (as it played we both looked at each other like “what is this?! I love it!”)

I emailed it to a couple of my widow friends a few weeks back,
telling them that the lyrics nailed down my life when I was disillusioned by grief’s grip
and forgot to let the love that Michael and I still share…
guide the way.

The bitterness,
pain,
and void took over,
and it definitly was
not paved by love.

But just as he says “Nothing ain’t no good”,
I’ve learned that there is good..
because he is there guiding me.

Sure of You

“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. ‘Pooh?’ he whispered.
‘Yes, Piglet?’
‘Nothing,’ said Piglet, taking Pooh’s hand. ‘I just wanted to be sure of you.’”
–A.A. Milne

I’d be lying if there weren’t moments where I begged for a sign, dream, feeling that you were here…around.

Like a detective I’d search for clues or signals…but my magnifying lens, in turn, seemed to blind me.

It’s not a matter of the physical…that was something I had acclimated to not having or needing long before you were taken. It was more of that sense that in my deepest moments of despair you’d appear out of smoke to wipe away my tears.

But I forced it.

I begged and pleaded.

And it equated to me not feeling what was there all along.

Your presence…unfaltering presence..in a place that I could not see with my eyes, or figure out with my mind…

but felt it lodged, deep in my heart.

I’m sure of you.

I’m sure of you.

How Much?

It’s been nearly 3 years since I saw this video (it’s been stuck on a broken computer), and nearly 4 since it was filmed in Eagle River, AK by my baby (you can see him in the reflection of my sunglasses).

I sure don’t sound the same, and definitely don’t look the same, but I sure do feel the same each time I watch it.

Love you mucho mucho.

Dreams- Brandi Carlile

Ok, I have something to confess….I’m website crazed! I have this one, which is the consolidation of three blogs…I have this one, which I put my favorite quotes and personal photos…and my newest one, which I just use as a photo gallery of my pictures…i know…it’s bad 🙂

While on this one, I came across this song from Brandi Carlile ( who I fell in love with, with “the Story”) and had to share it on here. It’s so true. Every night I hope to see his face, to just have him be a part of my world, even if it’s my dream one.

Dreams, I have dreams when I’m awake when I’m asleep
And you, you are in my Dreams
You’re underneath my skin, how am I so weak

And now in my dreams,

I can feel the weight, I can just come clean
I keep it to myself, I know what it means
I can’t have you, but I have dreams

How long, can you hold your breath?
Can you count to ten, can you let it pass?
Keep, can you keep it in?
Keep it behind lashes, can you make it last?

And now in my dreams, I can feel the weight
I can just come clean

I keep it to myself, I know what it means
I can’t have you, but I have dreams
Oh, I have dreams, I have dreams

(And then an amazing guitar solo)

Mind, can you read my mind?
Has it come undone, am I showin’ signs?

And now, in my dreams
I can feel the weight, I can just come clean
I keep it to myself, I know what it means
I can’t have you, but I have dreams
I have dreams, I have, I have, I have Dreams

The Door

March 24th, 2007-

I sat in my office, blaring music and talking to a fellow Army wife on IM. Wearing my pajamas, which consisted of Michael’s basic training sweatshirt, I swirled around on my wooden office chair with the sun creeping through the blinds.

Underneath the rumble of music I hear something…another noise that I soon decipher as a phone ringing.

With Michael deployed, I had to be alert to any calls that may be him calling from Baghdad, so like a robot on crack, I shut off the music, ran to the living room (which was only 4 feet away, though I felt out of breath with the possibility of hearing my love’s voice), picked the cordless phone off the same red chair that Michael had proposed to me on nearly a year and a half before, and pushed the “Answer” button….

“Hello?” I say, breathing as if I’m some overweight cop who just chased down a convict.

“Baby…..” And before he could get a word in I was ecstatic to hear him…my soul mate on the other line!

“Baby!!! Oh, I’ve missed you so much!” I say, cutting him off.

“Baby, can you open the door?” he replies.

And with a sense of panic, I lift my head to look up at the glass door, and there he is. The most perfect specimen. Six foot, 2 inches, clad in his Army Uniform, with nothing else on him but a smile looking through the pane.

I can barely breathe. Tears of happiness hit the floor and take my body down with it. I unlock the first door and lay against the wall in shock that he is here. 7 months we sat and stared at each other through computer monitors, and here he was.

“Hi, Baby.” slips out of his mouth. A phrase and voice I could hear all the days of my life.

“Baby, can you unlock the screen door?” ( Because of course, I was still on the floor)

And then it happened. He walked in, picked me up, and I wrapped my legs around him. Felt him. Breathed him in.

In the tunnel vision of my love, I didn’t see his family outside (which I apologize if I may have mooned), but they drifted off on the other side of the door and we were alone.

He came into our room, layed back on the bed and just looked at me, as I sat on top of him just touching his face, absorbing that he was real, he was here, and he was mine…..

It was the best thing to ever walk through that door.

Lyrics and Tunes

Music…it’s been a part of my journey of loss. A companion to my grief. A voice of celebration in my happiness. A tear to roll down my face in sadness.

I sat and watched a film this evening. 3 minutes in, I knew the soundtrack would be mine. Taken out of my grocery funds, I went to itunes to spend my few dollars… they filled me up and made me feel full with their lyrics and sounds.

From the beginning of my loss, when “Ache” and “Empty” were on repeat. To the days where “Fix You” and “Bruises” took their place on the CD. I continuously find these words…these emotions…waiting for me to find them…to push play…to devour my ears with their gifts.

They are a part of my salvation, a part of my grief, a part of my healing…a part of my life.

Wait– Alexi Murdoch ( The song that inspired me to write this blog tonight)

Feel I’m on the verge of some great truth
Were I’m finally in my place
But I’m thumbling still for proof
And it’s cluttering my space

Casting shadows on my face
I know I have a strength to move ahead
I can hardly leave my room
So I’ll sit perfectly still
And I’ll listen for a tune
When the mind is on the moon

And if I stumble
And if I stall
And if I slit now
And if I should fall
And if I cant be all that I could be
Will you, will you wait for me

Cause everywhere I seem to be
I am only passing through
I dream these days about the sea
Always wake up feeling blue
Wishing I could dream of you

So if I stumble
And if I fall
And if I slit now
And loose it all
And if I can’t be all that I could be
Will you, will you wait for me

And wait for me
And wait for me
And wait for me
Won’t you wait for me
And wait for me
Please wait for me
Please wait for me
Won’t you wait for me
And wait for me
Please wait for me
Please wait for me
Won’t you wait for me
And wait for me
Please wait for me
Please wait for me
Won’t you wait for me
And wait for me
Please wait for me
Please wait for me
Won’t you wait for me
Please wait for me
Please wait for me
Please wait for me
Won’t you wait for me

Guilt

I wanted to touch base on guilt, as I believe it has played a role in my grief with Michael’s loss.

The guilt that he died and I lived

The guilt of the things he never got to experience that I know have been.

The guilt of having eyes to still see this world’s beauty and ears to hear its melodies.

The guilt of knowing that he would have handled this pain, loss, and life better then I could, if it had been me to go instead.

The guilt that is created in my over-thinking mind…fictional and factual.

The guilt has sub-sided though, as I know it is a belt of weights I buckled around my waist…a belt that never was supposed to weigh on my hips, my being, my soul.

You see, guilt was never a component of our life (even though I may have used it as a defense mechanism in a disagreement…bad Taryn), so it makes no sense that I would make it a part of my life now, and the love that is still ours.

But I apologize, to Michael and the others around me, for the moments where I let guilt’s claws take their grasp on a moment that could have been put in the light it deserved.

Now I can’t say that it doesn’t creep up at moments where life is a-glow and I feel as if I’m surrounded by a bubble of positivity…but those are just the workings of my brain….
not my heart.

“Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death.”
-Coco Chanel

Wake Up -Arcade Fire

So, I love this song 🙂 I first heard it when i saw “Where the Wild THings Are” and the lyrics are aimed towards childhood and the realities faced as we grow up. Plus, this live version rocks!

Somethin’ filled up
my heart with nothin’,
someone told me not to cry.

But now that I’m older,
my heart’s colder,
and I can see that it’s a lie.

Children wake up,
hold your mistake up,
before they turn the summer into dust.

If the children don’t grow up,
our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.
We’re just a million little god’s causin rain storms turnin’ every good thing to rust.

I guess we’ll just have to adjust.

With my lighnin’ bolts a glowin’
I can see where I am goin’ to be
when the reaper he reaches and touches my hand.

With my lighnin’ bolts a glowin’
I can see where I am goin’
With my lighnin’ bolts a glowin’
I can see where I am go-goin’

You better look out below!

Over Oceans

Over Oceans
by Josh Garrels

I remember when all the trees knew your name
Flames from fire flies would light our way
Have I lost all that which I never knew I had found
Searching for you on the wings

On oceans to you
All my time comes to you
How long has it been
Flying home again

Will we be the same as we were once before
Remember like children the stories of old
Your hand was in mine be the firelight when we danced
Mighty wind will carry me

On oceans to you
All my time comes to you
How long has it been
Flying home again
And I’ll be there too
And I’ll be there soon

He Did It

Michael did.

Not through buildings, books, televisions or how much money he had in his account- but through lives.

The lives he touched with his words, kindness, support. The lives he touched through his love, encouragement and unfaltering friendship.

He did it. He did it without even trying.

He created something that will last forever. If not only through those people who were affected by it, but the places where his feet have set or his hands have gently grazed.

He understood the definition of forever by not aiming for it or trying to reach it as the ultimate goal…he just lived, and when he left, it sat on the front door step for me to bear witness to, to learn from, and continue on his “forever” by slowly creating my own.

Do you have a lighter?

I’ve been able to reach the life I deserved. Just as stated above. But then the sparks fizzled…went out…as that life slipped through my fingers with fate’s plan.

This past weekend though, in the presence of those acquainted with the loss of their love, their soul mates, the sparks reignited, pilot light by pilot light.

I am coming to learn to ignite the sparks and reach the life I now deserve as Michael’s widow.

I apologize for clouding the hero he taught me to be with grief’s evil grasp.

But i have not perished.

And I will win this battle…..

This life without you here.

Happily Ever After

I try not to think too much on all the things we would have done, family we would have built and life together we would have lived.

I try not to imagine it too much, for their is a pain associated with the what-ifs and that which we were unable to fulfill as the soul mates we are.

We lived our fairy tale. Our own Disney movie.

Like a knight on a white horse, you came and saved me from myself, took me to a safe place and calmed all my fears and hurt. I wish we could mourn together the losses we both share, for I know you mourn them too.

I think people look at me now and think all is shattered all is lost with the possibilities we once shared.

Not all was.

It isn’t.

We did live happily ever after, even though it the plot took a twist and all the characters we would have wanted to add to our tale never came to fruition.

The fairy tale ending didn’t happen though, and I will admit that.

For what we share has no ending.

1.11.10

“The clouds in your eyes,
down your face they pour…”
plays in the background.

Down they pour, as I wonder
what I’ve become.

Where are you?

They pour down my face,
over my neck, and like
a puddle,
settle over my heart….

Weighing it down.

I need you…come take me away

A Falling Through – Ray LaMontagne

Laid our blessings on the ground,
The softening of sound
Draws us closed again

Stay, stay and watch the coals
Till they cease to glow
Like empty promises

Why, Why did you go, why did you go away?
Why, Why did you go, why did you go away?

Baby?

There’s nothing I can say
Nothing I can do
To bring you back again

This of life I know is true
It’s all a falling through
And so I reach for you

Why, Why did you go, why did you go away?
Why, Why did you go, why did you go away?

Don’t you care
That it may seem unfair?
(You steal things you ought to borrow)
Don’t you find
That it may seem unkind?
(I’d rather breathe than drown in sorrow)

Why, why did you go
Why did you go away baby

Wait

3.27.09

I read your letters last night.

I fell

in love with you

all over again.

You asked me to wait for you,

because you are waiting for me.

I’m waiting, baby.

I’m waiting.

And when the time comes,

we will wait

no more.

Yep, That’s Me

I miss the quirky awkwardness that was all ours.

The waking up in the morning and making up songs about the cereal I was about to eat.

The moments where he’d surprise me….not with roses, but fried okra.

Giggling like teenagers as we snuck out to fool around in random parking lots.

Smiling at each other during cheesy movies and then getting in the car to see who could do the best impersonations of “Naaaccchhooooooooooo” or whatever other lines made us smile.

He always was proud of how well i could do, “Whatch you talkin’ ’bout Willis?”….I was really good at it.

I’d turn on ’50s music and he’d dance with me, smiling the whole time.

We’d go to the Zoo and take pictures of the squirrels running around, instead of the lions.

But all of those things and more…..are what made us, us. What made our love, our amazing love, what it is.

I still make up songs, and sometimes I’ll even stop by “Church’s” and eat my okra.
I will laugh at the corny jokes in a theater when no one else will, and snort with enthusiasm when the rest of the world is silent.

He encouraged me to be who I was…who I am…and I am so proud to be me….because it is when I am me, that I am us….I am perfect.

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” – Dr. Seuss

TT and Joe’s Camp

I spent the weekend at their special place.
I relived memories she holds deep in her heart.
I felt the wind against my face and the sun on my soul.

We rode around with wild abandon through trees galore,
And on each trunk,
although we had never been their together….
I saw our names carved forevermore….a scar to symbolize what never disappears.

Invisible to the eye, but just like what you and I , and her and him share….
the heart sometimes conceals
what most expect their vision to perceive…
what is carved on the trunks of our beings….
our existence.

Like the Stars

4.12.09

Like the stars

in the sky,

Some things are

meant to last

forever,

and so goes the same

with our

love….

Our Park

2.1.09

I lay in the sun

like we always did.

I looked up through the branches

and for a

second,

I felt

as if you were next to me.

Turn the Light On

The other night I was enjoying dinner with one of my great friends. She is also a widow and will be coming up on two years since the loss of her soul mate.

As we sat and enjoyed our meals, drinks, conversation and company, it became obvious that in a restaurant full of people, we were the only ones laughing, smiling, toasting and enjoying the evening to the fullest. At one point, a waiter even came up and commented on how we brought “happiness” to the abode.

So what was our secret? It wasn’t the drinks, but more so – the stories we were sharing, the struggles we are currently facing (that we confirmed were normal), the love of our heroes, and this crazy life that we’re daily trying to figure out. Conversations that if most were listening in on, they may feel sad for us and the hardships we face. Yet, it became obvious to me that we are doing and were acting as we did when our loves we’re still here, because it was in that evening that they were brought to life.

Brought to life in the way that we were not hiding from our realities, but embracing them and the fact that we have come this far do to the love that still burns in our souls and beings.

And like the quote above says, it’s about remembering to turn on the light. I can’t say I always remember to, but with the right people and the right spirit,

I am more often.

–

–

I don’t have much to say today….

simply, “Thank you for lighting my sky.”

My love, my sun, my everything.

A Flock of One

2.4.09

Though it may fly

alone,

it has one thing that makes it

soar,

makes it glide above the rest.

It cannot be seen,

but

just like our love,

it

is

there.

Note to self:

Life was grand with my love by my side.

As i come up on the reality of him not being on this earth for nearly 3 years, and face another year, another number, in which his existence is void to the outside world, I’d be lying if I said it’s gone smoothly.

I’ve struggled with an impairing grief and the pain. The nights where he felt so close that I reached out to the emptiness in front of me in hopes to feel him. Times in which the memories were so fresh, that I could paint their visions with my tears. Moments where I fell to my knees with the pain of the past, and what should have been our future. Yet through it all, I’ve learned, grown, and felt him there by my side.

Yet now, I face another war, another type a grief. Now, I face an opposite reality. One in which I beg for a dream, a sign, a feeling that I am not alone on this journey. A grief that comes not in the obvious, but in the mundane.

I feel strong and have happiness in my life, from what he has instilled in my heart, but I wish sometimes to go back to those raw moments of pain from a life that didn’t seem to far away.

I think that it’s been in my growth, my realization of the person that I am becoming and the person michael always knew was in me, that I have struggled and grieved over recently. I think I may be the one causing the disconnect and grief, over the disappointment that I could not have made and shown the strength that I never wanted to admit I had, the strength that is the sole reason for my existence right now, the strength Michael knew could take our love and relationship beyond the darkest of days.

This year I want to grab life, and make it what I know it can be, full of his presence, yet still full of those moments where my strength will be tested, just enough to remind me that it’s still there.

I’m always in love with Michael, even when life isn’t going where I thought it would.

Now though, I want to take the love I have with him always, and love the life I sometimes despise, the life that at times i fall victim to with it’s many forms of grief…I want to be in love with it for the life it blessed me with before tragedy, yet the one I have in front of me.

My life is different and the one I will lead will be different, but I can take that which isn’t different to get me through………

our love and the strength born from it.

Void

I feel a void

inside my soul

that can never be replenished.

An emptiness

inside my heart,

that makes me feel as if our connections been banished.

I sleep,

I wake,

and in between,

I watch the minute hand go by.

Hoping to feel you close to me,

wishing

you never did die.

Bad Dream

The false realities

blanket my being,

as the morning light seeps in.

Nightmares and falsehoods

taint my day

before it can even begin.

-T.D.

2010

Well, it’s 2010.

I remember going into 2008 without Michael. It was the first year in which no history or memories would include him,  a year in which reality took it’s place next to me on my throne of grief. It’s funny how my mind also worked in ways to revert back to a time when he was still living. I’d sign checks with 2007, set dates with friends on the phone or email with that year… it was, in a way, symbolic of my heart holding on to something not tangible… going into a year with Michael by my side.

Each year, the ball has dropped, and I’ve taken on at different capacities… 365 days of self reflection, self growth, setbacks, happiness, grief, pain, joy, curiosity, dreams, nightmares and more. With each year though, the hesitation and reluctance to accept the current year I’m in, has fallen to the wayside and I am becoming more aware and open to my present and all the gifts it holds.

Each year is lined with the sour notes of with my life without Michael, though positive thoughts and actions have taken place.  I have learned that I am able to take on things (like a new year), with the knowledge that I feel him rooting me on and invisibly holding my hand when I am open to living life the way I did before tragedy struck.

So it’s with that knowledge, that I will embrace 2010 and hope to feel his presence every time I laugh, smile, take on the world and explore all it’s beauty.

Happy New Year!

“Time has no divisions to mark its passage, there is never a thunder-storm or blare of trumpets to announce the beginning of a new month or year. Even when a new century begins it is only we mortals who ring bells and fire off pistols.” ~Thomas Mann

Broken Heart

Sometimes I wonder how.

I had the Johnny and June idea about our life together. One of us would die and within a couple of months the other would die of a broken heart.

Fast forward to almost 3 years later, and that theory has been proven wrong…..Even though there have been many times I’ve begged for it’s brokenness to take over the rest of my body to finally reunite me with Michael.

I didn’t  know how it could still beat, other then that it must be held together by the eternal remnants of our love.

But lately, I’ve thought of “E.R.” or “Grey’s”.  A doctor will be doing some sort of open-heart surgery when the patient suddenly flat-lines. The paddles won’t work and in a last ditch effort, the doctor pulls the heart out of it’s chest and starts pumping it with his two hands.

The night I heard Michael died, i remember putting my hand  over my heart and feeling as if it had stopped, as if I was hollow. I wanted to give up and at times prepared to raise that white flag, but just like the doctor with the patient, I felt as if Michael began pumping me back to life with those rugged and callused hands of his.

At first I despised as it  got stronger, yet with time have cried tears of happiness as I felt all its capacity fill my being once again with the love and memories that made it once pound in his presence….The feelings and times that had, for so long, been clouded my by own despair.

My heart is broken.

My heart is healing.

My heart still beats in the warmth of your hands.

It beats to tell the story of our love and pulsate your undying words through my veins…..

“I Love You, Taryn.”

……..

And that my friends, is how a broken heart still works.

A Stocking Full of Memories

Last Christmas my family started incorporating Michael back into Christmas by filling a stocking full of gift-cards, gadgets and more that Michael would have loved….but I could use. It was heart warming to see them remember and bring to life some of his favorite things and places from memories passed.

This year my family arrived and handed over Michael’s stocking. It was light. At first, I had thought maybe they had run out of ideas on what to put in his stocking. I slipped my hands in ready to grip on to something…..that something was paper. Sheets after sheet filled the green velvet stocking sporting his name.

I opened one up to see stories and memories written by those who had known Michael. Some that had only known him briefly, others that had just were affected by his kind and giving nature, and my family, who had seen first hand the makings of my soul mate.

I started reading one in front of them before I announced that I would rather read them in private at a later time. After my family departed, I ran straight to the pile of words that made up moments in time, like a child down the stairs to see what Santa brought. The tears streamed down as I reminisced and re-lived some of the magic and mundane moments that others had shared with Michael.

It truly was the best gift. For in reading those letters, Michael came to life in my heart this Christmas day… our love boiled in the cauldron in which is permanently located in my soul.

My chest pounds even as I type this…..with the love that never flees. It may feel dormant at times, especially those times in which I wish he was here the most, but, like any moment in time where i feel that, I am reminded that it is still coursing through my veins more then ever.

I love you baby…and am so in love with you. Merry Christmas, my love.

“A place in thy memory, dearest, Is all that I claim; To pause and look back when thou hearest The sound of my name”

– Gerald Griffin

4 years…

Well it’s almost midnight, and at this time 4 years ago we had already shared our vows and become Mr. and Mrs. Davis.

This anniversary is harder then any other I face without Michael here. Mostly for the reason that I don’t define my relationship and present by Michael’s death, I define it by our love……and a day that helps in symbolizing that love is our wedding anniversary.

I miss him, I love him, I’m in love with him. The pain persists, and I must honestly say that at times I wonder how fate still allows us to be separated. But the air leaves my lungs, and still I inhale. There is some madness to this unreasonable reality. For now, I must believe it is to strengthen our love more, to put it over the fire and forge it to a level of strength that is insurmountable by heaven and earth combined.

Happy Anniversary my love, my heart, my soul. Your love pierces me deeper with each passing moment, and I could not ask for a more beautiful gift.

Michael’s Vows

Taryn,

Ever since you came into my life I’ve felt a way I never had. My feelings for you continued to grow as we began to learn more about each other. You are so wonderful, caring, and thoughtful in everything you do. You are the kindest person I have ever met. And you have always been there for me, even when times were hard. I cherish every moment we have together and cannot wait to start our lives together.

I love everything about you.

The Shadow of Your Smile

The shadow of your smile
When you have gone.
Will colour all my dreams
And light the dawn.

Look into my eyes, my love, and see
All the lovely things you are to me.

Our wistful little star
Was far too high.
A teardrop kissed your lips,
And so did I.

Now when I remember spring,
And every lovely thing,
I will be remembering
The shadow of your smile.
Your lovely smile.

-Frank Sinatra

Does He……

• Still get annoyed how I toss everything on the floor?
• Smile when I crack jokes that only he and I would laugh at?
• Get pissed off in heaven?
• Mind my short hair?
• Try to send me messages?
• Applaud me when I take a shower?
• Frown when I don’t get off the couch?
• Miss me like I miss him?
• Count the days till we’re together again?
• Visit me in any way?
• Silently cheer my on when I want to give up?
• Applaud me when I don’t?

Happy Anniversary

December 23rd will mark the four year anniversary of our love eternal. We wrote our own vows, we rocked into each other the whole ceremony, we had a moment in time where all else melted away, we sealed our devotion with a kiss.

It wasn’t about the dress, venue, gifts, or cake….it was simply about our love being personified.

Nearly three years of our marriage have been spent on different plains, yet it grows stronger and deeper with each breath I take for him…for me. He left me on this world with a kiss that I have been able to build a dream on….continue to build a dream on.

Here’s to you my love…here’s to us. And for ol’ time sake, let’s here Satchmo play the song we danced to nearly four years ago…..

“Give me a kiss before you leave me
and my imagination
will feed my hungry heart
Leave me one thing before we part
A kiss to build a dream on”

I Believe in Fairy Tales

Michael’s my prince charming. He saved me from the poisoned apple, kissed me out of an eternal sleep, slayed the dragon, and swept me up into his safe arms. And as soon as I was swept up, I felt like he was pulled away from me.

But, I still believe in fairy tales. It has been through my fellow widows; their stories, pictures, memories and thoughts….that I realized there were others in this world that had found their Aladdin, Beast, and Prince Phillip. It reinforced that I have felt the greatest of love’s yet survived the largest of tragedies….and I was not alone in surviving.

It reinforced that love will always live on.

So I will wake tomorrow, out of my glass case, surrounded by seven dwarves but no prince…within sight. I will take on this world, this tale we started….and in the end I will have my happy ending, as we will be together, and live happily ever after….and until then, I shall always believe in fairy tales and the FACT that they do come true.

“Only those who truly love and who are truly strong can sustain their lives as a dream. You dwell in your own enchantment. Life throws stones at you, but your love and your dream change those stones into the flowers of discovery. Even if you lose, or are defeated by things, your triumph will always be exemplary. And if no one knows it, then there are places that do. People like you enrich the dreams of the worlds, and it is dreams that create history. People like you are unknowing transformers of things, protected by your own fairy-tale, by love.”
-Ben Okri

Why?

Why: adv. For what purpose, reason, or cause; with what intention, justification, or motive

Now we know there are definitions, but in this case it is three letters that come together to become a word that has a way of haunting those of us who have felt cheated of a lifetime with our soul mates.

“Why him?”, “Why me?”,”Why us?”, “Why so young?”, “Why so suddenly?”, “Why so violently?” …and the list goes on.

In the first months this was a word that I loved. I loved it because it fed off my grief…my pain. It was a word that I could use to sulk in my new life, and it was a word that helped in hindering my journey, it was a word that was my companion of woe.

With time though, something prevailed; a voice, a knowing, something that had always been there but came out of hibernation, came to reign where it always should have….my heart.
The “Why’s?” I was using after Michael was first killed had clouded my heart, clouded what was the one truth in a world of lies, but finally the truth showed through.

The “Why’s?” that fill my mind and mouth now are “Why have a been so blessed to have him in my life? “, “Why did I get so lucky to find my soul mate and know true love?”, “Why have I been blessed to know such happiness?” And I must say, it’s a route I much more prefer.

It’s funny how one’s mind turns a switch to only find the sadness in life after loss, and hard for outsiders to understand how one can wallow in that sorrow. But when the time comes, the switch is turned on to the heart you always had that guides you back into the thoughts you are meant to have, the thoughts your spouse quietly whispers as you sleep each night, the thoughts that get you up in the morning to face each day….and that is one “Why?” I will not challenge.

“He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.”
–Friedrich Nietzsche

Once in a Lifetime

Michael and I always wanted to see the world with each other.

We had it all planned out; After he and I graduated, we would go to Europe and start our travels. From Greece to tropical terrains, we’d see it all (leaving a few places for after retirement) and then head back and start our family.

Fast forward to 2007 and our “plans” fell to the waist side. The last foreign country Michael would visit would be Iraq, and all the dreams and hopes of our life together dissolved as fast as it took two uniformed men to say, “We regret to inform you..”.

It would be a little less then a year later that I found myself on the couch ( I know that’s so hard to believe), watching TV (hold the gasps), when a movie came on that concluded with the main character leaving his life to pursue a “spiritual journey” in Spain. The sun set as he walked with a backpack and stick in hand. I’m a huge movie buff and for some VERY odd reason, this “straight to DVD” film caught my curiosity. As all humans do when curious, I Googled “spiritual journey & Spain” to see what came up. 5 months later I was backpacking 220 miles across Spain on the Camino de Santiago. I flew out a day after the one year anniversary with nothing but some euros, and and a backpack with two sets of clothing and socks. I walked over 15 days with nothing but my thoughts, and when I finished, I felt closer to Michael then ever before.

Everything I saw I took snapshots in my memory. Everything I’d never touched before, I brushed my hands across. Everything I’d never smelled, I inhaled into my being. I was taking notes of all that I’d be able to share with Michael. If he couldn’t be here with me, I wanted to report back in full detail when we are reunited again.

Since that trip, I’ve made the personal decision to take a once in a lifetime trip….once a year. It’s a time for me to reflect on where I have come, and revel in the fulfilling life I can live in the love of my husband, and in the love I have for myself. So next week I am off to Ireland, with my senses as my pencil and my memory as my paper. To write of the living I did (and continue to do) in the memory and spirit of my soul mate, and in the spirit of who I have become (and continue to become) because of him. Slainte!

“Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.”

Winston Churchill

The Ocean

I cannot think of any better example of this new chapter of mine then that of an ocean. Waves are a constant but there are days when all is calm, and then there are the days where they crash on the sand with all their power and might.

So goes the same with my grief.

There are moments of serene beauty. The sun rises and the sun sets and all is well, even with the knowledge that the weather will change and along with it the current. But what is life if all we do is focus on all that is to come….the inevitable? I think there are moments where I feel I need to shield myself from the waves crashing in, as if putting on a blindfold would deter me from hearing them hit the beach….hit my heart. But as I have learned, there will be moments of pure bliss and those of pure pain. The tide will rise and the tide will fall, the water will glisten and the water will produce squalls, the ocean will be as smooth as satin and as ridged as a mountain.

Of these realizations, one thing I have decided to do when the storm comes and the water hits the beach like a rock through glass, is I will not sit in pain on the pier thinking that distance will deter me from feeling all that it brings, I will go to the edge of the ocean and let the waves crash down on me. I want to feel it soak me down and make me shiver, I want to scream at the top of my lungs as it covers all that I am, scream in victory that I have and can take it on.

I know there will always be moments that I am brought to my knees, but I want to say I felt each ounce of the weight that got me there…..and then I will stand and face a new day.

For whatever we lose (like a you or a me),
It’s always our self we find in the sea.
~e.e. cummings

Help Is Better with Self

I believe for me, that a huge part of figuring out one’s grief, one most know themselves. Now I know some could say this goes without saying, but after the loss of your soul mate it’s difficult finding out who this new you is, or in my case, who this new me is.

It is has been through meeting others in like situations, reflecting on my own thoughts and actions, and lastly, making my self aware of auditory and visual things out there that may help in describing things that may not be able to put into words, that I have grown leaps and bounds.

One such example of the latter would be books. From Lewis to Emerson, it is in those bound pages that I have found that what that ink and paper holds is fare more precious then ever imagined. It was in college that I began reading a book entitled, “The Myth of Tomorrow” by Leo Buscaglia. After concluding the last chapter I realized the strength, power, and changes that I was allowing the words to have on me. I read things I had never pondered, things that stretched my thoughts and emotions to a new plain….and I loved it.

Miguel Ruiz explained in “The Four Agreements” that it is words that can either be the poison or tonic that determines our moods, thoughts, actions, etc. Anybody can read a paper, but we are the ones who determine what will impact us. We hold the pillar tp what will light our way.

It is because of that, that I am proud to say I happily stand in the “Self Help” book section! I love it there! I especially fancy the used book stores where there is a plethora of spines staring at you. I go into the section with no certain book or author in mind. Whether it’s the title or decor, I’ll pull out only a few, and usually in that mix, will find a book to take home. It is because I have no preconceived notion or background on what I will read that my mind is more open to soaking in the words or inspiration or knowledge that will help me on this lifetime journey we are all on.

Now you must excuse me, as I have a couple hardbacks calling me to the bedroom…..

The worth of a book is to be measured by what you can carry away from it.
~James Bryce

See You In My Dreams

Dreams take on a whole new meaning after the loss of your soul mate. They are a realm you travel to each night, with their population and surroundings always a mystery. Sometimes I have dreams in which I see my love; that smile, that face, that counterpart of my being. There have been times I’ve been able to speak with him and other times in which I feel as if he cannot see me. There are times in which I am conscious of the fact that he is not alive and times when I feel that I’ve been thrown into a time machine taking me to a time when he was still here.

After encountering theses night encounters I may wake up with a smile on my face and a drive like no other to take on the world, then there are the times in which I wake up in tears or just with the need to stay curled up in the enveloping warmth of my comforter. I’ve come to terms that these dreams may not all have a special meaning or happy ending. There are no dream dictionaries that can decipher their hidden message or let me know which ones may actually be Michael visiting me, or just my imagination feeding into my never ending want to be near him.

I still will wake each morning and face this new chapter that I never thought I’d be the author of. I still will be go to bed each evening not knowing what will come, but unafraid to shut my eyes….. and I will still see you in my dreams.

I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can play together all night. ~Bill Watterson

The Knot

To yearn for the one you love is not a task or ordeal,
but a sweet reminder of the knot tied together by ones love for another,
a knot made of steel…..inseverable .
-T.D.

Who Am I?

s i

At 21, life threw a wrench into the mechanics of my life. I had found all the parts that made me me, all the parts that kept my heart racing, all the parts that made my dreams come true. But on May 21, 2007 a phone call would take it all away.

Michael had been killed by multiple roadside bombs while serving in Baghdad, Iraq.

My soul mate, biggest fan and partner in crime had been taken from me by the most simplest of actions…the push of a detonator button.

I was lost, I was confused, I was broken hearted, I was torn, but for some reason I was still breathing. At first this was something I despised, the inhale, the exhale. As time passed I realized that there was still his love throbbing through my veins, and for that simple reason I could not give up.

I’ve embraced life, and even though my grip is not always the tightest, I will never let go.

I am a survivor.
I am a wife.
I am Michael’s Widow….. And that is who I am.

Blessed

One thing I have always tried to make a point of to non-widows is that I am proud to be a military widow. I received this title because of the amazing sacrifice Michael has made. I have been blessed to have friends and family that have grasped onto my new life instead of trying to tell me what I need to do (even though in the beginning that may have not been the case).

Our lives are not what we envisioned but we are so lucky to have a life in which we can choose our new path. That does not mean that whichever path we choose will be not be scrutinized, but faith and courage will bring us the peace we need to be content in all our decisions.

That leads me to this story which really shows, that even though being a young military widow in a society that may not fully understand, we are very blessed with the decisions and life we still have, in the country our husband’s died fighting for.

My One True Love

As I awaken, each and every day,
Thoughts of love turn to you.
An unbreakable bond between us two,
A special love ever so true..
The warm glow in your eyes,
The sweet smile on your face;
Makes me want to hold you,
Forever in love’s tender embrace.

The gentleness of your touch,
The sweet passion of your kiss.
Just a couple of many pleasures,
I longingly so miss..
The sound of your voice,
Is like a song in my heart.
Always bringing me happiness,
As it has done from our start..

We’ve shared many joys ,
And and also felt some sorrows.
Yet our future is filled ,
Of wonderful tomorrows.
So until that bright day,
Far away such as it seems.
You shall always be my one true Love….
The man of my dreams.
-Author Unknown

wait

The pain one knows, the pain one feels with the separation of true love is undefinable.

I have touched his skin, kissed his lips, heard his words, but above all felt his love.
A love that I cannot define, other than being one that knows no limits.

It knows nor life or death, nor distance and time,
but it aches for his soul,
his soul when mixed with mine,
one so complete that i wish to know no other.

Tears are shed for the moments I can feel him, yet never enough,
and for the oceans of heaven we are separated by.

It is a love so pure that others do not understand,
a love that others disregard and brush aside,

but I have known it, I have lived it,
it is the air I breathe, it is the reason I am me.

If there was a door I could enter to just feel his presence, a breath from his mouth,
I would be there.

But until then, I shall live on this earth as a half, a half that does not want any other than him,
that does not want anything but the eternal love i know, no matter where, we both feel as it beats in our hearts worlds apart.

and I will wait
I will wait………………..
-T. Davis

Your Grief

Your grief for what youve lost holds a mirror
up to where youve bravely working.

Expecting the worst, you look and instead,
heres the joyful face youve been wanting to see.

Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes.
If it were always a fist or always stretched open,
you would be paralyzed.

Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expand
the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated
as birdwings.


-Jalaluddin Rumi

1.7.07
Aquarena Center
Michael and I had our Prom here, where we shared my first slow dance.
We also rode the Glass Bottom boat featured above

Sea…Sand…Wind

Wow!! Came across these and got those ever present chills.

I felt like this while walking through Spain. I wanted to touch, smell, hear everything to it’s maximum capacity. I was taking notes in my head to give Michael, experiences that I wanted to share with him. It sucks on those days when I don’t get to have those notes to give him, but the days when I do, the days when I feel I have lived, those are the ones which are bound and printed in my memory for him.
_______________________________________________________________________________________

Love Sonnet LXXXIX by Pablo Neruda

When I die, I want your hands on my eyes:
I want the light and wheat of your beloved hands
to pass their freshness over me once more:
I want to feel the softness that changed my destiny.

I want you to live while I wait for you, asleep.
I want your ears still to hear the wind, I want you
to sniff the sea’s aroma that we loved together,
to continue to walk on the sand we walk on.

I want what I love to continue to live
and you, whom I love and sang above everything else
to continue to flourish, full-flowered:

so that you can teach everything my love directs you to,
so that my shadow can travel alone in your hair,
so that everything can learn the reason for my song.

He’s my Big Fish

I had seen this movie before Michael’s passing. After everything happened I had a yearning to see this film again, and it was afterwards that I knew why. There are so many scenes that can relate so closely with. The scene below is one that reminds me of sitting in the car after the service. We sat in it right afterwards to listen to the bagpipe player play “Amazing Grace” and I remember sitting in the front seat, folded flag in hand and staring at the large group that surrounded us, and stared. Strangers, people that were Michael’s childhood friends, others acquaintances, some just onlookers who had been able to glimpse into the moments of our everlasting love.
Enough of my jabberings though, I hope you enjoy it.

12.23.05

Our Wedding Day
Dancing to Louis Armstrong – A Kiss To Build A Dream On

I almost wish we were butterflies and liv’d but three summer days– three such days wit you I could fill with more delight than fifty common years could ever contain.
~ John Keats

1.9.07
San Marcos River
One of My First Shots with my Baby’s Christmas Gift

During your life, everything you do and everyone you meet rubs off in some way. Some bit of everything you experience stays with everyone you’ve ever known, and nothing is lost. That’s what’s eternal, these little specks of experience in a great, enormous river of life that has no end.
~ Harriet Doerr

2.14.07

A Rose from the bouquet Michael sent me while in Iraq
My Cherished Wedding Ring Among its Petals

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin

3.12.07
Eye am my Beloved and My Beloved is Mine

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.
~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

4.23.07
Maximus Decimus Meridius Davis
A Gift From My Baby
His First Day in Our Home

Love me, love my dog. (Qui me amat, amat et canem meum.)
~ St. Bernard

The Wonderful Augistine of Hippo

Hey Guys, came upon these at another great blog site . I especially like 4 and 6. Take care, T
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4… My heart grew somber with grief, and wherever I looked I saw only death. My own country became a torment and my own home a grotesque abode of misery. All that we had done together was now a grim ordeal without him. My eyes searched everywhere for him, but he was not to be seen. I hated all the places we had known together, because he was not in them and they could no longer whisper to me “Here he comes!” as they would have done had he been alive but absent for a while. I had become a puzzle to myself, asking my soul again and again, “Why are you downcast? Why do you distress me?” But my soul had no answer to give….Tears alone were sweet to me, for in my heart’s desire they had taken the place of my friend.

6… I wondered that other men should live when he was dead, for I had loved him as though he would never die. Still more I wondered that he should die and I remain alive, for I was his second self. How well the poet put it when he called his friend the half of his soul! I felt that our two souls had been as one, living in two bodies, and life to me was fearful because I did not want to live with only half a soul. Perhaps this, too, is why I shrank from death, for fear that one whom I had loved so well might then be wholly dead.

7… What madness, to love a man as something more than human! What folly, to grumble at the lot man has to bear! I lived in a fever, convulsed with tears and sighs that allowed me neither rest nor peace of mind. My soul was a burden bruised and bleeding. It was tired of the man who carried it, but I found no place to set it down to rest.

8… the grief I felt for the loss of my friend had struck so easily into my inmost heart simply because I had poured out my soul upon him, like water upon sand, loving a man who was mortal as though he were never to die.

—Augustine of Hippo (354-430), Confessions of Saint Augustine, Book IV (translated by: Unknown)

Found On This Great Site

MP3

Let me load the music.

I have his MP3 player, I listen to it when mowing the lawn or laying in the sun. Let me load all the music onto my computer in the case something happens to it ( a common thing with widows).

• Plug into the USB Port.
• Open File Folder.
• Select and Copy all the music files.

Look! There are a few folders I have the ability to open and copy even more music files!
But wait, what is this? A 17 minute, 28 second recording?

Play.

What is this? Did I push record while mowing, it sounds really loud. Let me listen…..

There it was. His voice.

Of course the first thing I think is maybe it is a message, but no, just him accidentally having it on in his pocket. It is muffled and I turn the volume on high to hear his voice.

“I looked at it when I got out”
“I can do it right now”
“Huh?”
“Wooooo, it’s hot!”

…and a few other muffled sentences. Knocking, friends conversing in the background.
Is the loud humming in the background the Buffalo, the vehicle he so loved working, the vehicle in which he lost his life?

Almost 18 minutes later it is over. Just my baby at work, accidentally pushing buttons on his Mp3 player.

It was nothing life altering but it was good to hear. A few tears were shed (out of my left eye only) but worth it. I ache that he cannot speak aloud on this earth anymore but I celebrate the little pieces that even have an ounce of his being behind it.

I collect them, they are the glue to my broken self.

I shattered the day Michael passed on but I find myself being held together by his mementos. His voice recordings, his pictures, his imprint in all I do.

I would break a million times over if it meant that his soul, love and spirit would be the glue to put me back together…and that is what it is.

I Love you and am so in love with you Michael……my forever glue 😀

“What if a demon were to creep after you one night, in your loneliest loneliness, and say, ‘This life which you live must be lived by you once again and innumerable times more; and every pain and joy and thought and sigh must come again to you, all in the same sequence. The eternal hourglass will again and again be turned and you with it, dust of the dust!’ Would you throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse that demon? Or would you answer, ‘Never have I heard anything more divine’?”

-Friedrich Nietzsche

On My Way to North Carolina

Written March 31, 2008

On my way to North Carolina, to sit next to a widowed fiancée who called our hotline and wanted another widow by her side, I stopped in Atlanta.

With all the travels I’ve been doing the past year I have come to terms with the face that I will see numerous amounts of men and women in ACUs. Today was the same. As I stood at the gate my ACU radar detected a man to my left waiting to board.

Ok, he’s on I don’t have to be reminded of the fact that it isn’t my husband. No. As I make my way down to seat 30B I see him up ahead. ‘There is no way!’ I thought to myself.

Sure enough, I was squeezed between him and an older gentleman. I turned to him, tear defense in full effect and said, “Heading back?” He looked over at me and said, “I’m on break.”

He turned back to reading Newsweek and I went to reading my book. Through the one hour flight I would take glimpses of the ACUs on him, remembering the days when my husband filled them up so nicely. I wanted to glance to see the unit he was in or if he was airborne but knew it would be too obvious.

I was wearing my Gold Star pin and wondered if he recognized it, or the watch I was wearing that was set to Baghdad time, the watch my husband wore when he was killed.

We landed and sat there waiting for all the rows to unload. I knew I wouldn’t be able to talk to him again so I turned and said, “Are you going back over after R&R?” “Yes” he replied. I then went on to tell him thank you for his service.

From his reaction, I knew it may have been something he had heard before and his answer sounded somewhat scripted “Thank you, I appreciate it.”

“My husband was killed last May and I know the danger you are put through, I spit out. His eyes teared up and he said “Well, I’m sorry.” I told him how I was on my way to actually attend the funeral of the 4000^th soldier killed in Iraq to sit and be there for his widowed fiancée. He told me about how he was on his 3^rd tour, where he was based, what his mission was, what rights he wished could be changed for those going through what we do, etc.

I then reached into my bag and pulled out my AWP Card. On it included the site, our ‘1-800’ number and smaller details. “If you ever have something happen and know a widow who could use our help give her this.” I told him what we all are doing, about the site that includes courageous stories of my fellow widows, and the documentary. He sat there quietly and looked at the card as I spoke.

He looked up and said, “I know you all have a lot of work to do to make others know of the hardships you go through on a day to day basis. Keep doing it.” I then shook his hand, told him to have the best R&R possible, told him about the wonderful one Michael and I last shared and how those 2 weeks meant the world.

There really is no point to this story other then the fact that:

1. I’m really freaking happy I had the balls to even talk to someone in ACUs, coming back from the place where my husband was last alive. ……

2. That taught me even more; how much strength we have just by opening our mouths when we don’t want to.

3. We do have a far way to come, but I am happy in knowing that one other US Soldier knows that there are so many of us Military widows just getting up.

I wish that I could do things better have more motivation at time, not sleep in till 12 because I don’t want to face reality. But most of all, I wish that I could tell and show him all the strength he embedded so deep down into my being that I am able to do the small things that I try to do. Whether that be brushing my teeth or filming a documentary.

I’d also want Michael to know that I am not alone. To not be afraid I have no one that understands, to not fear that I will forever be lost. I have my widows! I have the people that call me and brighten my day, who share their corny stories and share a laugh, who toasts with me up to the heavens. I have YOU.

I know he is up there with that gap-toothed smile, which no one knows he was planning on getting fixed LOL So thank you for giving me strength to face my fears with you by my side and thank you for having great men to keep our husband company.

A Loss From Both Ends…

There is a quote from a book that C.S. Lewis wrote after the passing of his wife, it says: “If, as I can’t help suspecting, the dead also feel the pains of separation (and this may be one of their purgatorial sufferings), then for both lovers, and for all pairs of lovers without exception, bereavement is a universal and integral part of our experience of love.” – C.S. Lewis

I feel this way as well. I think Michael misses me just as much as I miss him. I believe he is counting the seconds as well to when we are reunited. Other’s may view this as me being selfish or heartless to say that about someone who is in “heaven”, a place with no worries or pain, but he lost his wife that day as well.

He cannot have me kiss him goodnight or make him dinner. I am not there to listen to his thoughts and feelings. My loss is the same as his, and I take comfort in knowing we share this angst together. The frustration of not knowing if he hears my words, feels my undying love, I wonder if he struggles with as well. I believe that just as hard as I try to communicate and get across how in love with him he is doing the same. As much as I yearn for him he does as well. When I sit and think of that I feel immediately less alone. It is one thing to meet fellow widows who suffer from the loss of a soul mate but at the same time I find even more comfort knowing that both Michael and I are still in this together….Life and Death.

Our love covers both realms. I do not search for answers or signs for just like love, it is something you cannot force. It is when you let go of the wanting and pushing that all that you need answered comes to you. I love you baby and am so in love with you. We are soul mates in life and in death.

Below is a picture that I took while walking across Spain. I looked up as the clouds rapidly closed in. Coincidence? Maybe…but beautiful above all.

2 years Later

Checking the mail. A routine that we all have, some everyday, others a couple of times a week. Today was one of the moments that interrupted a action I did for societies sake.

I opened my box to find a package. As soon as I saw who the sender was I knew from our wedding.I did not know there was video until after Michael was killed, for what reasons I cannot say. When I heard there was film I did not think I would actually ever get a hard copy simply for the reason that it took 2 years for me to know it was even real. I did not know what the pieces of cardboard held inside of it, nor did I know how I would react.

I put it in.

What I saw were things I knew of, words I knew were exchanged, people I knew attended. What I got from it was more then that though. I got to feel the way I felt standing across from Michael that day, the rocking back and forth from excitement, the tears of happiness that had no off button. For 26 minutes I had pure love, on film.

I have it with me in my heart, as I know all of us do, but to watch it, to see the gleam in my eye, the nod of my head as Michael made sure I was ok, the kiss on my forehead from my soulmate….that is bliss, that is life, that is why I am still here. I am here for those moments, even if they are relived 2 years later with my husband by my side in spirit.

Do I still hope to have some freak accident occur that would lead me to Michael?……Yes. But am I happy to be able to know and be a living example of the purest love I’ve ever known?…..Hell to the yeah!

So here’s to those memories, the best ones, the ones that are sometimes to painful to watch because of all the happiness present that we can’t share with them now. May they be our personal sanctuary when all else is a hurricane.

Love, T

Have you ever been at sea in a dense fog, when it seemed as if a tangible white darkness shut you in and the great ship, tense and anxious, groped her way toward the shore with plummet and sounding-line, and you waited with beating heart for something to happen? I was like that ship before my education began, only I was without compass or sounding line, and no way of knowing how near the harbor was. “Light! Give me light!” was the wordless cry of my soul, and the light of love shone on me in that very hour.

-Helen Keller

The AWP Launch Weekend

Well the launch has begun. The weekend went quite successfully and it seems as though many came and got out of the weekend what i hoped: friendships, strength, understanding and more. Sitting in the theater and seeing the reactions of my fellow widows, exceeded my expectations. They whispered, laughed, cried, cheered and applauded. After the film was done I went to the front to speak. Emotions overtook me, some because I was in amazement that others got from it what I had the past 8 months of working on it, and others because there was so much beauty in that theater that night that our husbands should have been there to see.

We received a huge amount of publicity which I am happy with. The more people out there who open their eyes to the realities we go through the better. I thought it was funny that we made the front page of the Austin American Statesman, the paper that a year ago put Michael’s memorial pictures in the “Life and Arts” section 😉

Overall, I am thankful for those who have believed in the mission of The American Widow Project and in myself. I am blessed to be among some who truly implement what the organization is about and take advantage of the everlasting bonds made between us. They are the reason we are what we are and they are the reason I am still breathing today. We have just touched the surface of what we will become and what society will see from us widows! We have touched the surface on the legacies are husbands are still building in each one of us.

We are planning SO much but I just wanted to touch base about the launch.

Hope all is well!
Love, T

Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.

-Anais Nin

Grab Your Shovels

I made the choice to go into my office to throw the bundles of trash I have stacked in different places all over the room. One bag had a can of his dip that he left over R&R, bundles of every receipt from when he was here, and the lip gloss I wore when I was able to kiss his lips. I got through many of the boxes which led me to the closet…the closet that has bags of letters. Of course I’m a sucker for torturing myself, and opened the bags.

Letters from the past 3 years. A faint smell of the perfume I’d spay on them, and the envelopes he’s write tiny messages on. Reading through them I smiled and laughed, but most of all….cried. Cried for the unfairness and cried for all the letters talking of spending the rest of our lives together. I think we all can relate to that 🙂

Then I opened the calendar I wrote in while he was there. March 24th, 2007 “Baby surprised me today!”:

I remember that day like it was yesterday. I was wearing nothing but a Army sweatshirt, sending over Patriotic Chippendale stripper messages to my friends on MySpace, blasting eighties music. I remember hearing my phone ring and ran to the living room to get it. I grabbed the phone and looked up…..there in the window stood my gorgeous husband in his ACUs. I fell to the ground as he smiled at me. Then he said through the door “Baby, open up!.” I unlocked the door and couldn’t even breathe so laid behind it on the ground. He said “Hi Baby!” I had NO clue he was coming home for R&R! I jumped up and wrapped my legs around him and I think by that time his family, who had dropped him off, left or got a nice glance at my bare butt ;D I was shaking and he walked to the bedroom to put his bag down. He laid on the bed and smiled at me. I literally had to touch his face for 15 minutes to even believe he was there. I could never touch it enough. I would always tell him when he came home for R&R I would give him a million kisses, I got a pretty good start that very moment 🙂

We all have that moment that seems to surreal. For me it was that day and also the day I drove up to my house with 2 soldiers waiting. I know we all have these days that bring us back down to our knees. The place we all started when we received the news, a place we all have worked hard at getting back to standing position.

I realized that when I was sobbing I was repeating in my mind, “This too shall pass.” So cliché’! But you know what, it did, and I’m still here, Michael’s still gone, and we have to keep going. We have to read through those letters to not feel pain from the days passed, but to feel the strength we had when we wrote them, the strength that we may have buried with the pain.

So grab your shovels ladies!! Let’s start digging the things we may have ‘buried’ in hopes of feeling less pain. The holes we create will be the ones we are able to pull ourselves out of when we need to.

Take Care.

Love,T

There is in every heart a spark of heavenly fire

which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity, but which kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity.

-Washington Irving

The River

How is everyone? Today it is 90 degrees out, sunny and perfect. Today was also a day of further realization. I always connected memories of Michael with photos, places, physical things, etc.. I never had connected him with a hot sunny day in San Marcos, TX. I woke up and knew today would be a day where we would go swimming in his favorite river. A river where he grew up as a kid, a river we went tubing down, a river with memories that could fill a small book. The river where I spread his ashes, a wish he requested and one that is now written in my will for my resting place. Even though he’s probably in the Atlantic ocean by now 😀

I remember how he would dive into this falls that I always thought would suck me under. He’d beg me to jump in and I always would. I’d sit on a tiny rock and he’d swim up to me all cold and wet and give me a kiss. Sometimes I’d lay in the sun and he’d jump on me all soaking. On this sun blazing day, I miss you Michael…but I love you even more because I can sit here and share the memories you left me, memories I will forever cherish.

So widows…..share your favorite memory, share that day that is tinged with sadness but filled with recollections of better days. It is one thing to wake up and feel as if it will never get better, but even better when you share it and embed it that deeper in your heart.

Line by line, moment by moment, special times are etched into our memories in the permanent ink of everlasting love in our relationships. -Gloria Gaither

Another Day in Hell-adise

SO I think I’m having some fucking allergic reaction on my tat. I finally go out and put lotion on it to later find out that the ingredients in it take away the color and make it have a rash….just my luck. There my logo goes again. Never fails to let me down. I, of course, have procrastinated again on packing my house, big surprise there! Now that I have no freaking wireless in my house I find myself going to coffee shops nearly every day. I try to switch between two so I don’t look like a coffee house groupie. I had yet another break down last night. I think I should give them a new name. How about a lapse of falsehood. There you go! I had yet another lapse of false hood. To go along, there were no freaking scary movies on last night. Halloween night!! My first Halloween without my baby and i can’t even watch a good scary movie! Just my luck 😉 So i sit here depressed, scary movie deprived, exhausted, with a fucking rash on my back…..Yip-eeee! Also, i left the dogs out for about 8 hours and max came back in the house covered in stickers. Whatever. I’m so over all the things that occur. One stacked on top of another. Things i used to get upset about or shed a tear over are now the dumbest things. The things that now make me laugh or just add onto my crappy sundae of life. Well, I better get off to go rinse this allergic reaction off my back and pick up some stuff that will hopefully save the only thing I’ve been excited about lately.
I love you baby and I’m soo in love with you Michael.
*Kisses*

Going Dowwwnnnnnnnn

Well, I’m sucking. I feel like I’m getting worse but it’s hard to tell because I always feel as if I’m getting worse. The sad thing is that I don’t know where the bottom is. When I lost Michael I hit that bottom, so I don’t know if the emotions that follow it are in a league of their own? Are my emotions getting worse, my thoughts. My heart can’t get any worse. Maybe I’m feeling the pain more and that just exemplifies it. Packing my pictures last night, I realized that I was going to be leaving the last dwelling Michael and I shared together. As I sat on the sofa, I thought of the night before he left. We lay there wishing the night would never end and I would never have to drive him to the airport. I closed my eyes and imagined that day that I walked away from him. I wanted to turn back around for one last touch and kiss, but I knew I would not be able to compose myself and may make it worse. Now, oh what I would do for him. Murder, lie, steal, anything to just touch his face one more time. I lay on my sofa at night and look at the photo of him that I always kiss and talk to. It’s covered in smudges from my face and lips. How did my life come down to kissing a photo of my husband good morning and goodnight? I think too, that if there is some sort of afterlife my baby must miss me too. I ache for all that I know he must miss and want as well. We were so perfect in fulfilling the others needs, that I know when I look at all that I am hurting for, I know he is feeling the same. At the same time, I want him to be so happy. I guess I just want him. I’m out before I have a breakdown at the coffee shop.

I Love You Baby!

*Kisses*

In Our Prayers….

I guess I should note to all: I wrote this 5 months after michael was killed, so I  apologize for the raw and bitter words 🙂 . I saw a post by a widow today, speaking about how she thought “prayer” had done little. I remember being there. I feel now is the right time for me to post this, as I have learned…even though I do not know all of God’s reasoning, I have seen his love and abundance in the many blessings I have been given since his passing.

10.27.09

“You’re in our thoughts and prayers” “God will help you through this” yada yada yada……. Note to non widows…..fuck prayer. I prayed everyday, unconsciously every minute of every day. As I drove home to find soldiers at my door I prayed continuously until I saw them there waiting for me. One of the first things I remember screaming after learning of Michael’s fate was, “There is no fucking God!” How could someone one who is supposedly supposed to answer our prayers and help us through all are ordeals be so cruel. I remember when I got caught smoking weed my freshman year in high school. I was sure it was god punishing me or him letting me know it wasn’t right. I have no answers on why he would do this to Michael. I don’t think I will ever find the answers I want, because the only one I’ll take is Michael at my door step when I get home.
I want to tell all those out there, who “Pray” for me to not waste there breath. I know that they believe they think it was there prayers that stopped them from having the same outcome that happened to me. So they will keep praying and asking god to heal me and my broken heart. If there was a god, I would ask him to show all the “others” what we widows are going through so they would know when to bite there fucking tongues.
There is one thing I will ask the God of ours for. I will ask him that if he wants to help me in anyway then he will make sure that when my time here is up…..that the first thing I will see is that beautiful face of my baby. The one I so much loved to touch, kiss and smile with. Until that time comes I just ask that the rest of my time her goes by fast.
I love you baby and I’m SOO in love with you.
*kisses*

Another and Another……

Friday, boring as usual. Going through another day trying to make it as bearable as possible. People are people and I am still the same. Sitting in a coffee shop trying to shave off a few more hours in this day to day life of mine. I do no longer know what true friends are for the only one I knew solidly is gone. Expectations are set and expectations are broken. Comments are made and some things are never said. Friends are foes and silence is your only companion. This is my new life. You fight off what you have never known or wanted to believe, but then realize that it is all that you are left with. It is the only thing in which will always be there. I have realized that we have something or someone, that makes are life solid. Puts a stake in the ground and stops the world from shaking. My stake has been pulled and all that was growing near it was uprooted as well. I have tasted reality and laugh at all those who try and deny it. Not only do most take it for granted day to day, but when it gets closer they deny it even more. Maybe they will be shielded for some amount of time but the reality is that there is no hiding from it, just dodging. I never dodged, neither did Michael. The irony of our love story ending is unbearable but is there. I’m off for now to subtract a few more hours off this duldrum of a life and make me that much closer to my soul mate. I love you baby.

*KISSES*

Just like Bilbo…I got the Ring

Nearly 5 hours after sitting down on that black chair , with a pillow in front of me, I was done. The concept I had been pondering, freaking out, and looking forward to is finally on my back…alot of my back!! I love it. The pain really could be best described as a hot scalpel cutting through flesh and bone. Half the time i had my eyes closed counting to keep my mind off the pain or trying to look at all the ghetto tattoo flash adorning the walls.I can’t believe I did it and I do feel a tad bit stronger in this very weak world of mine. Now I just hope and pray it heals correctly and ends up gorgeous. After it finally finished, i think it was a combination of the pain and the anticipation…..I lost it. I don’t know if it made it even more real that Michael is not coming home or what…it just was a lot to take in. I got home and started washing sheets and towels and kind of lost it. I wanted to call michael and tell him all about it or at least here one of his smart ass remarks……none were to be heard.